Dear Erin,

Eight years ago your dad was still alive, you were still living in Sydney (your favourite city in the world), you were interested in boys who were interested in you, and you were optimistic about the future. Then it all came crashing down around you and you lost it all. You lost everything you loved and everything that made you feel safe.

I know you are struggling in the present. Ever since that happened depression has been very much with you. You feel lonely the vast majority of the time, even in a group of all your friends where everyone seems to be having a good time. You think that their lives are so easy because their parents are alive and they didn’t have to go through the things that you have, and that’s understandable. Over time as you deepen those friendships and time goes on, you will see how they struggle, just like you. One of your gifts in this lifetime is understanding. You truly understand other people’s feelings, their struggles, and their pain. You’re a good listener, and you know how to help those people as you have gone through some really hard things too and can give advice. All kinds of people will open up to you over the course of your life because you’re approachable and likeable, even though you don’t see why.

You also find it hard to do anything that isn’t required of you. But I want you to know that life has so much beauty and wonder and growth in store for you. It won’t always be like this – you are strong and you are the one who will change your life for the better. I wish I could give you some practical advice as to what to do to get better faster, but being you, I realise that you won’t take that advice on board because you aren’t ready yet and that’s okay. You’ve always needed to do things in your own time and there’s nothing wrong with not following the crowd.

Eight years from now you will have accomplished so much and will still be working hard to overcome fears and to achieve goals you thought you never would. I don’t want to spoil it all for you, but I want you to know that you won’t always be hurting like you are now. You will be fortunate in keeping your high school friendships for many more years, and you will make some new friends who add so much to your life. You’re going to feel a little lost in your professional life but that’s normal. You might be surprised to find out just how happy you are on a day-to-day basis. What you thought wasn’t possible, truly is possible. I know you’re shaking your head as you read this and that’s okay, because it will be proven to you over time.

Just keep doing your best, sweetheart. Everything in your life has happened for a reason: to teach you about love and loss, the two most important things that we experience as humans. Hold onto that hope and optimism about your future buried deep inside of you – it will carry you through some of the dark times you will experience over the next few years.

I’m rooting for you.

All My Love,
Erin (24)

Lately I’ve been trying to clean up and organise my room and all my school documents which lead me to find these treasures! I took a crappy disposable camera to camp in grade 6 and I’m so glad I did. Yeah, they’re not the best pictures but it’s just fun to have memories from a time you’d completely forgotten about.

I absolutely love this picture. On the left is probably my best primary school friend, May. We used to hang out quite often.

Alice, Chloe, Ellie

Mr. Hill – my grade 6 teacher.

Tyson – my primary school crush lmao. I remember my goal on the trip being to get a photo of him.

Ellie – she was on my netball team & her dad was the coach.

Honestly cannot remember this girl’s name!

Alice

Me in a super cool visor. Obviously the lighting was really good.

The gang jumping into a three metre deep pool! I remember doing it and freaking out!

It’s so funny that I found these photos when cleaning – I barely remembered any of the people in the pictures until I saw them!

View more from the Disposable Diary series here.