Hi Daddy,

It’s been 16 years since the day you died. I remember that day so clearly – running around the school at lunch time, feeling like it was the longest lunch break of all time, and then someone told me mum was at the office with Tom looking for me. I rushed over there and they said you were in hospital and we had to leave right now. That moment is so clear in my mind, but what happened after has always been a bit of a blur and I’ve had to fill in the gaps. I don’t remember if I actually did hold your hand and say goodbye, or if I made it up in my head. I really wish I could remember.

When everything came crashing down 16 years ago today, I thought I would never be happy again. I was confused, devastated, and completely at a loss about how I was going to continue on. You were gone, so I wanted to be too – I just wanted to be wherever you were. I contemplated doing something drastic to end the misery so I could be reunited with you again, but you helped me stay here and get through each and every day, as monotonous and miserable as they were.

I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for my childhood and the family I was blessed with. You and mum together created the most perfect childhood I could’ve ever imagined. It was filled with activities, love, and innocence. I felt safe and protected at all times and was truly happy. I also want to thank you for the angels I saw on the day of your funeral, and for the ones wearing party hats I saw on my birthday the following year. Thank you for the financial security you gifted us when you passed. I know you would never have made us struggle in that department, and we never had to worry about that aspect of survival. Thank you for watching over us every single day from where you are now. Thank you for your genetics – although I am not overly happy with my body, we’ve never had any major health issues yet (touch wood). Thank you for the strength of mind and intelligence you have passed onto me. Thank you for never limiting me because I was a girl. Thank you for understanding me. You were truly my best friend. I never really had anybody else when I was younger – I never connected with anyone else or felt understood like the way you got me.

Talking to mum about you makes me realise just how alike we are. We have a similar appearance, we both love the comforts of home and lived at home for a long time after what is socially acceptable. We’re both incredibly stubborn and know what we want. The most defining similarity is that we both lost our dad’s when we were eight years old. One of my biggest fears is that horrible cycle continuing when I have kids. I don’t want my kids to lose their father. I hope that I have done enough growth and soul searching over the years to have broken that curse that seems to be running through our family. I have really tried my best over the last few years to understand why it happened, and to try and take something positive from it. Now I think that you had to do it to me, to understand why your dad did it to you.

Mum told me a few months ago about how one Father’s Day she was struggling to pick out a present for her dad, and you said that you wish you had that problem. I now experience the same thing, and I am positive one of your fears was your children growing up without their father, like you did. Luckily you and I both have incredibly strong mothers who were capable of raising wonderful children all on their own, but it definitely wasn’t easy for any of us.

Back in January a psychic told me that I would meet a man who would become my husband, who has a three-year-old daughter who lost her mother due to cancer. At first I thought I didn’t want that to be my future, but now I really do. If that situation became my reality, I would understand and all three of us would have experienced the same thing, but from a different point of view. I never wanted to be a stepparent. I thought that was the worst thing you can be – stepping into an already broken, torn apart family and trying to fit in. But I truly feel that situation would be something where I could mend it, as well as bring love and understanding to a delicate family dynamic, which is something I never had once you were gone.

Sometimes it hurts like it was yesterday, and other times it does feel like you’ve been gone a long time. At my age now – 24 – you were only around for one-third of my life, but you had an impact that will last a lifetime. It’s so strange to think you would be 53 now. You are forever immortalised in our minds at 38, or maybe even younger as I mostly think of who you were and what you looked like before the accident. Everything about that accident was fate and I know that. Fate can be cruel, but I know it exists to teach us lessons. The lessons I have learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life are all about love and loss. It’s hard to be graceful when we react to death, but I try to be graceful now. I’ve realised that keeping your memory alive through my anger about your death was the wrong way to live, and that if I just realised that you body may have died, but your spirit didn’t, that everything would be better. You are still very much alive in our hearts, in our minds, and on the other side.

I don’t need to ask you if you’re proud of me, or if you’re ever around, or if you’re okay, because I know that you are. You are now free of the body you had for the last year of your life which is an absolute blessing. I have no doubts that you would have stayed if you never had the accident – you would’ve never chosen to leave us. I wish I could hear what you try to communicate to me, because I get frustrated. Sometimes I can feel you, or sense you, or I’m talking to you and I just wish I could hear what you’re saying in return. But I don’t doubt that you are listening and talking back.

I will love you forever, and miss you until the day we are reunited, which I hope is in about 64 years time.

P.S. I’m sorry for how scrambled this letter was. It would have been 10,000 words if it wasn’t scrambled.

For over two years I’ve been wanting to write about this show but there was one problem: how do you write about something that has impacted your life so greatly?

Firstly, if you’ve never heard of the Channel 4 television series My Mad Fat Diary, based on the real life diaries of Rae Earl, here’s a quick run-down.

Set in 1996 in Lincolnshire, the show tells the tragic and humorous story of a very troubled young girl Rae, who has just left a psychiatric hospital, where she has spent four months after attempting suicide. She begins to reconnect with her best friend Chloe and her group, who are unaware of Rae’s mental health and body image problems, believing she was in France for the past four months.

The series finale of My Mad Fat Diary airs today (I watched the advanced premiere yesterday) and it conjured up many feelings and memories for me. The episode took me back to the first series when I was a lot like the protagonist, Rae. I have a lot in common with Rae: my father isn’t in my life, I’ve struggled with mental health (although not the same illnesses as her), and I have been overweight the majority of my life. There was a lot I learned from watching her story unfold in that first series – I took the lessons she was learning and applied them in my own life.

I’m such a happy person now that it’s hard to think back to when I watched the first series and related to her depression and mental health struggles. Watching Rae and Kester’s (her therapist) sessions made me decide to see a psychologist myself. I hadn’t seen once since I was about 9 years old and really struggling to cope with my dad’s death. I remember going to see that lady and sitting in the corner and crying. I wouldn’t talk, and I wouldn’t draw anything like she was asking me to as I had no drawing talent. I just wasn’t ready to open up and begin to heal at that time when the pain was so raw.

Around March 2013, one month after series one had aired, I decided to look up psychologists in my area so I could start my own healing process. I came across a picture of one close by that I could tell I would get along with. I continued to see her every couple of weeks for a year and a half. That’s the best way to find a therapist or psychologist – look them up and trust your intuition. I could tell from the picture that she was a warm person who would listen to what I had to say, without being condescending. Everyone has different needs for a therapist; I didn’t need one that would tell me all the things I was doing wrong, I just wanted someone to listen and ask me questions that would lead to self-growth and acceptance.

In My Mad Fat Diary’s series three finale, Rae has to deal with moving on – not only moving to a new city, but moving on from her therapy sessions that she has so heavily relied on for two years. My sessions ended last November, but for a few months before that I could tell that the sessions weren’t worth going to anymore; I was better, and that was hard to accept. I was in denial and disbelief for a while because ever since my dad died over 15 years ago, I never thought I wouldn’t be miserable and grieving. What do you do when you finally realise you’re happy? That happiness isn’t a fake emotion people put on for show? That you’ve healed yourself?

I’ve always found moving onto a new phase of life really difficult. Leaving high school in particular was really hard. Even though like most people I didn’t love going to school or many of the people there, it was still hard to move on without having any direction. Fortunately for me, fate took over and all of a sudden I was 18 and studying at University. Watching Rae take control of her future in this final episode was inspiring and goes to show that no matter what your struggles are, you can do whatever you want and follow your dreams.

There’s many lessons to take from this show, but the most important one is that you have got to love yourself, first and foremost. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, good and bad qualities, and we’re all trying our best to grow and be good people. You’ve got to look at other people and see the beautiful things about them, but you’ve also got to look at yourself the same way. We’re all our own biggest critics and we need to let a lot of that go and treat ourselves well.

If you’re dealing with any of the issues that were brought up in the show, please seek help. You don’t have to struggle alone and there are people that want to help you get better. I truly believe that just letting your thoughts be heard and getting that negative energy out of your body, is the most healing thing of all. You’ve survived 100% of your worst days so far and you’re stronger and better for it. 

There was a lot more I wanted to say about the show but these people say it better than I do:

Really Funny – Rookie Magazine

In Praise of My Mad Fat Diary – Emzae Music

My Mad Fat Diary Has Gotten It Oh So Right! – Retro and Thrift

My Mad Fat Diary – interview with screenwriter Tom Bidwell – Nicola Doherty

If you watch it please let me know what you think. I’d love to chat with you! 

Have you ever had a moment where you’ve been rummaging through an old shoebox in your closet that you haven’t seen in years, and discovered hidden treasures?

I’ve had that moment a couple of times over my life and it’s always an incredibly warm and nostalgic feeling that is hard to shake.

Recently, my mum and I have been cleaning out cupboards and closets that have just been crammed with stuff – a lot of it is junk and needs to be thrown out, but every now and then we find something special. I pulled out a plastic tub that was on the floor in the hallway cupboard and quickly discovered that it was a box filled to the brim with ephemera that belonged to my dad. It mostly contained cards, letters and documents from around the time he died, but there were also some unique keepsakes.

Here are some of my favourite discoveries…

Dad’s Memory Box

I’m a big believer in memory keeping and for years I didn’t know that we still had so many of dad’s things. Finding something as special and valuable as his memory box nearly brought me to tears. I don’t know why a lot of the stuff is there and I never will, all I know is that it meant enough to him to keep in the box.

Finding things like this is such a gift. It’s as if I get more of my dad revealed to me as I get emotionally and mentally stronger over the years. When I was younger I felt such grief and loss, as it was like he just vanished and I was left there trying to hold on to whatever I could. Now, I feel like I had nothing for all of those years just so I could discover and have more to hold now.

Box contents: pocket knives, pieces of watches, medallions, cuff links, patches, a pen, jewellery, keys, patches, snooker cue chalk, and two used stamps. I can’t help but wonder why those two specific stamps are there as he was an avid stamp collector and had numerous stamp albums. They must have been really sentimental, or a particular favourite of his.

This is why memory keeping is special – because each one of those things represented something to my dad, but I’ll never know what they are. All I have are the remnants of what was special to him, without the reason why. As humans we go through life alone and it’s a beautiful thing to keep mementos for yourself.

35mm Film Camera

I don’t know who this camera belongs to; it could be my dad’s, grandmother’s, grandfather’s… I really have no idea which makes it even more special. There’s one little problem which is that the shutter is stuck. I’m going to take it to a camera shop and see if it can be restored to working condition as I’d love to capture memories on the same camera that they did. I checked to see if there was any film in the camera but unfortunately there was none when I found it.

Click here to see some family photos from back in the day.

Super 8 Film Footage

This was one of the most exciting things that I found because I’ve had a fascination with Super8 footage for a long time. I unwound it and could see bits and pieces – it is colour film and had a lot of my dad’s family members on it. My best guess would be that the footage is from the 70s. I’m desperate to get it scanned onto dvd so I can view it properly as there were some frames with up to 8 people on there! I’d love to be able to have a Super 8 camera and shoot footage with it all the time but the truth is that I just can’t justify the cost, sadly.

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I’m so incredibly grateful to come across these things – they are so precious to me and it honestly feels like the gift that keeps on giving. He’s no longer here with us and neither are the rest of his family members, but there are still things to learn and discover about them through the things they kept.

Please let me know if you’ve inherited any special items from people who have passed away, or if you’ve found something after they’ve gone. I would love to hear your story.  

Fourteen years ago my dad died. He died on the 7th of March 2000 and the funeral was on the 14th of March. It’s so odd but this is the first year it hasn’t hurt. It’s the first year I’ve really noticed the pain not being so crippling and hurting so bad.

Dad before I was born…

Over the last 12 months I’ve spent a lot of time learning and talking about him and I truly think that is what has helped the pain go away. I honestly thought the pain would be unbearable forever, that the ache would always be there and I suppose it will be, but it will not always hurt as bad as it did. My heart was shattered, battered and bruised, it was beyond repair and I let it stay that way until a couple of years ago when I started to piece it back together. At the moment it’s still a little purple from the bruises but now you can see the healthy red layer beneath the purple one. It’s so freeing to finally feel like a fourteen year long grieving period is coming to an end.

I feel motivated and ready to start the next chapter of my life. My mind is flooded with goals and visions of who I will be and it really is time to take steps to make it a reality. I’m so fortunate and have a lot of things going for me and I’m ready to take advantage of them and use whatever I’ve got to get to the places I want to go. I’ve officially decided to see through my job until the end of the year and then I’m moving to Sydney; finally committing to leaving. Sydney is the current goal. The long term goal is love and kids which hopefully will come long with Sydney.