Turning 30 is a milestone that many people view with mixed emotions.

On the one hand, it can be a time to reflect on all that you’ve accomplished and look forward to the years ahead. On the other hand, it can also be a time to confront some of the fears and uncertainties that come with leaving your twenties behind.

As I enter a new decade of life, I reflect on what my twenties taught me. I found my joy and truth in my twenties. While holding onto the hope I had for the future from my dark teenage years, I discovered faith, Jesus. I was able to hold onto friendships and make new ones. I through myself into more challenges, overcoming fear of driving, moving out of home, and other major life events that for some reason are delayed in mine. I saw a psychologist for the first time so I could begin to deal with my grief surrounding losing my dad when I was 8 years old. I graduated university, I got my first job and have had two more since. I came into more money than I ever have before, and developed better money habits as the years go on.

I concluded the night with a special dinner with friends at one of the Gold Coast’s favourite restaurants – The Collective in Palm Beach. Unfortunately a couple of my closest friends were unable to make it which was quite upsetting but I ended up having a great time with some of the women who mean so much to me. I am so grateful to have maintained so many friendships for over 15 years now.

In just a few days I will be moving back to my home town of Sydney, this time by myself. I’m fortunate enough to be able to transfer with work so at least that is one less stress to worry about, but a lot of new experiences await me there. It’s a dream come true.

Wish me luck!

With just a week until I turn 30, I thought it would be the perfect time to answer The Up Series questions to round up my twenties. It is crazy to me that I will be turning 30 in exactly one week from now. My twenties have been a really fun and interesting decade of my life with a lot of healing, self growth, and joy. I still have a long way to go in life but I feel closer than ever to the person I want to be.

For The Up Series this year, I decided to try out some new questions that I found from Stephen Ango on Medium.

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?

I went parasailing and snorkeling! I was so scared to do both of them as they were new experiences but I thoroughly enjoyed both of them and can’t wait to do it again.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions?

No. I didn’t really set many resolutions at the start of 2021 as I was quite unmotivated and uninspired to do anything and felt very stagnated in my life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my fourth godchild was born – Jasper!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I am blessed to say no.

5. What cities/states/countries did you visit?

I visited Sydney in March 2021, Stanthorpe in the middle of 2021, and Tangalooma in November 2021.

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

Romance!

7. What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

5 March 2021. It was the date that everything changed for me for the remainder of the year and my life. The day I felt like Sydney was truly home and I had to move back.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Starting to see a personal trainer and being consistent with it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I didn’t have many failures this year, it was a lot of growth, expansion, and forward movement. I think I felt a lot of day-to-day boredom which was a fail as it’s up to me to change my attitude and make each day one to remember.

10. What other hardships did you face?

Just a lot of feeling stuck, and when I finally decided I’m going to move to Sydney it took a lot of courage to commit to the idea. I will be moving in just a few short weeks, right after I turn 30.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I did. I had a sore neck for most of the year, but the most memorable was in September 2021 when I ended up in hospital 4 days after the Pfizer vaccine. The vaccine amplified the inflammation my body is already dealing with which lead to a gallbladder attack (acute cholecystitis) and a day in hospital. It was something completely unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and was so painful, uncomfortable, and draining. Before I had the second dose I took some supplements that helped, but now that it’s been triggered it will most likely happen again.

12. What was the best thing you bought?

I feel as though I didn’t buy many things in 2021 compared to previous years which is great, so I’m going to say my ETFs were the best purchase/investment!

13. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

N/A

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

Some of the Governments were out of control when it came to COVID-19 restrictions.

15. Where did most of your money go?

Apart from general living costs, I’m proud to say that for the first time it went to Savings/Investments.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Reconnecting with an old friend out of the blue and also meeting someone I really had a great connection with.

17. What song will always remind you of this year?

Let’s Go Home Together by Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan. It was my most played song of 2021 by fat!

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Happier.

ii. Thinner or fatter? About the sane.

iii. Richer or poorer? Richer.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Getting out of my comfort zone – every time I did I had so much fun and made the best memories of the year.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Less complaining – it never leads to a favourable outcome.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas just came and went and I spent it with my immediate family. I hope next year it is the same.

22. Did you fall in love this year?

Yes, although I don’t think anyone fell in love with me this year.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No, I don’t have time or energy to hate anyone.

24. What was your favorite show?

Good Trouble. I also fell in love with One Tree Hill again thanks to the Drama Queens podcast!

25. What was the best book you read?

I haven’t read a full book in a very long time.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year?

Dear Evan Hansen – I became obsessed with the soundtrack. Also Casey Lowry – he doesn’t have much music out, but I love his tiktoks.

27. What was your favourite film?

I only watched one movie at the cinema in the last year which was Dear Evan Hansen which I loved.

28. What was your favourite meal?

Lemon & herb chicken and potatoes.

29. What did you want and get?

I wanted direction and definitely got it along with the gift of courage to pursue it.

30. What did you want and not get?

The love of my life.

31. What did you do on your birthday?

My birthday is in a week! But last year’s birthday when I turned 29 I cried a lot, went to breakfast with my mum, and cried more. I was very depressed on my birthday, feeling directionless and like nothing had changed in the previous year.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Falling in love with someone who loves me too.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of the year?

Midi dresses.

34. What kept you sane?

Podcasts.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most?

I don’t really admire celebrities or public figures anymore, at least not the way I used to. I am a big fan of Mindy Kaling though as she creates such wonderful and fun tv shows for me to watch!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

COVID-19, like it did for anyone.

37. Who did you miss?

My brother. After 3 years of not seeing him we finally got to reunite a couple of weeks ago for Christmas.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

That has to be a secret…

39. What valuable life lesson did you learn this year?

How important my health is and how much I have disregarded it over the year and abused my body. My body is strong and has been able to fight me back but after ending up in hospital from the COVID vaccination that caused a gallbladder attack, I realised how fragile my body actually is and that I need to take better care of it.

40. What is a quote that sums up your year?

Expect the unexpected!

For the first time in a long time, I feel as though love is just around the corner.

Having been single for my whole life, it feels like love is ready to come bursting in through the door.

But we are in quarantine.

Once we are out of quarantine, I am determined to go on dates and to flirt and to expand my social circle further.

I don’t want to waste any moments or opportunities.

I feel excited about love.

About being in a relationship.

I enjoy my own company and always will.

But I am ready for the challenges of falling in love.

Compromise.

Sharing.

Vulnerability.

Communication.

The simple things like making schedules work and figuring out who is cooking dinner tonight.

The silent battles of intimacy and connection.

The drama of it all.

I am ready.

My whole life has been leading up to this moment.

Preparing me.

I have been marching on through life, being closed off to love.

But I feel fluttering in my bones.

Butterflies stirring in my stomach.

I finally feel as though I am attracted to adult males.

For so long I was in the in-between of teens and adults and finding myself attracted to no one.

As I approach thirty, men who are adults are so appealing.

I find myself drawn to men who are nearing the thirties or thirty already.

The Priest.

Mark Cyr.

Dennis Cooper.

Since these changes I’ve been coming home to myself.

Reigniting my creativity.

Healing.

Abolishing things and people from my life that don’t bring me joy or contentment.

Maybe God had a plan for my twenties?

He painted each star in the sky for me.

Including my singleness.

His plan for me was to discover Him and learn to remain faithful.

To know that His promise still stands no matter how much time passes.

When I was a young girl being a matriarch was the marker of success.

To have the white dress, white picket fence, a son, and a daughter of my own.

My twenties tried to crush that dream of mine but it could not be done.

My faith and hope in the promise of love and family that has not yet come to me could not be squashed.

Instead it grows deeper.

I want it more.

I will appreciate it more when God blesses me with it.

Lately I’ve been thinking…

What if true success is following the plan God has for you, no matter where it leads?

What if the ultimate plan for my life is singleness?

To be a blessing to my friends and family in the form of a sibling, a daughter, a confidant.

But never a wife or mother?

Could that be the path for me?

At the end of the day, I have faith that love is just around the corner.

(This freeform piece of writing flew out of me out of the blue and has not been edited at all. If you read it, thank you. I hope it gives you hope.)

Featured Image Credit: Priscilla Du Preez

As I near the end of my life as a 27 year old, I wanted to capture my thoughts & feelings of this time. I honestly feel as though the last 6 years have flown by and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m aware time is an illusion, but it’s also something so essential to our lives. I love having markers of time that allow us to separate different seasons of our lives.

1. What is your greatest ambition? 

To fall in love and have 3 beautiful children who love life, are brave, courageous, smart, creative, kind and who love God. I don’t want them to live in fear or be too cautious like I am.

2. What is your greatest accomplishment? 

Raising myself and continuing to grow as an individual without a lot of help from others, while also trying to let people in and help me. My greatest accomplishment this year has been the deepening of my relationship with God and my knowledge of Him.

3. What is the greatest struggle in your life right now? 

My life is pretty easy compared to most, and I am pretty happy most days but I struggled with finding time for myself this year as I was very social.

4. What is your current goal? 

This time last year my goal was to find a partner to share my life with, but now it is to be healthier and fitter, buy a house and get a dog! I’ve built all of my 2020 goals around this main dream. I think it’ll come true in about 3 years so I need to work hard to save money for it. I was blessed to get an inheritance this year but I still need to work hard to make up the rest of the money needed.

5. What do you fear?

A lot less than I used to. I still fear snakes, needles, spiders like I used to, but I fear embarrassment and speaking to new people for the first time less than I used to. My biggest fear is still not being able to have children.

6. What do you eat regularly?

My diet has changed in the past few weeks as I am trying to eat healthier. This year I ate a lot of McDonalds and other takeaways, soft drink, and a lot of chicken based meals and a lot of sugar-heavy items. I have cut back on those recently and started drinking more water, eating more fruit + vegetables, soup and nuts.

7. What do you believe in spiritually?

I believe in the Holy Trinity – God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our past, present and future sin, to set us free from our ego and to show us a better way forward.

I also believe in reincarnation and past lives, karma, energy, auras, psychics, mediums.

You have to have discernment, wisdom and use good judgement as not everyone is authentic or has your best & highest good in mind.

The Devil (or concept of The Devil) is everywhere and is very deceptive so you need to be alert and make sure you don’t get led astray.

8. What do you do with your time?

I am quite busy these days. I go to work Mon-Fri, go to church, life group, see friends, create. I watch a lot of YouTube and spend a lot of time on social media like a lot of people but am trying to get better with that.

9. Which people in your life are the closest to you?

In past years I have felt very close to certain friends or family members, but I feel distance from them now. The people that I spend the most time with are the church community, however I am still not sure I feel the closest to them. I think I have learned that a healthy distance is imperative when it comes to relationships and there is such a thing as “too close”.

To answer the question I think everyone is at the same level of closeness now.

10. How do you feel about the opposite sex?

Oh gosh…….

Well, for the first time in a long time, I had a crush this year, and it drove me crazy! I know they say love is supposed to drive you nuts, but after stepping back from it recently, I realised that it’s not healthy to be consumed or overtaken with someone else. You need to keep a sense of independence and individuality and continue to pursue your passions and hobbies even when someone else has a lot of your time and attention. Desperation isn’t attractive and neither are unrequited feelings.

Men are also more sensitive, intelligent, helpful, kind and caring than I have been giving them credit for the last few years. They struggle with the exact same things we do, they just don’t usually have the support system to express their thoughts and feelings. I was able to spend time with more males than I have since high school this year and getting to know them has been a blessing.

11. What has been the biggest challenge this year? 

My health. I have always been very blessed health-wise but this year as Virgo was all over my astrological chart, I decided to tackle a few health things that I’d been ignoring for awhile. I got my first ever blood test and the results came back that I was very deficient in the B-12 vitamin and needed 3 shots (1 per week for 3 weeks) to get it to a normal level. In between the 2nd and 3rd shot I started breaking out in really bad acne on my face, which spread to my chest and lower back. My face felt like crocodile skin for 3 weeks but finally went down, as my chest got worse and spread to my lower back. I’ve been very lucky with acne over the years and have only had a few pimples every now and then, but usually my skin is very clear so it made me quite self conscious considering the ones on my chest were unable to be covered up by most clothing. They are still there but have gone down a lot.

I also got my period back early this year after almost a decade of not having a regular period. As I started to have romantic feelings for someone my cycle came back and thankfully hasn’t left since those feelings went away. I think being so closed off to men and relationships emotionally affected my cycle and once I opened that door again my hormones kind of fell back into how they should be.

Overall my mental health was good but I decided to start seeing a psychologist again to deal with some of my anxiety issues and to grow in areas that I have no experience in. It has been such a help and I’m so grateful to my psychologist who understands me. She recommended I do the Gallup StrengthsFinder test and my top five were Empathy, Connectedness, Futuristic, Relator & Discipline which described me perfectly.

In the last few weeks of being 27 I got a lot of back pain and tried seeing a chiropractor and an acupuncturist for the first time. I wasn’t a fan of the chiropractor but the acupuncturist was a very positive experience.

12. What is success to you? 

Success is living life, thriving; not just surviving. Making changes, seeking God, building a community of friends, family, and believers who will support you and keep you on your path. Self-growth. Improving health and habits and building generosity and wealth. Accepting where you are and finding joy in whichever season of life you are in. Cultivating a life you love. If that is how I define it, then I am successful.

13. What were your highlights this year? 

• Going to Sugar Republic
• Trip to Sydney & Melbourne and seeing LANY and The Lumineers while there
• Getting a new car
• My cousin moved in with me
• Weddings!! This was the first year any friends of mine got married
• Kids Church Christmas Party
• My Mum’s Birthday – my brother flew up from Melbourne and we surprised her at dinner which was pretty epic
• Work Christmas Party
• Church Christmas Production
• Photoshoot with my friends

I think that’s it for this edition of The Up Series. Click here for the 24 year old edition. I’ll see you next January when I’m 28!

Christmas is a strange time of year for a lot of people.

It’s a time that has a massive build up – buying & wrapping gifts, making plans, preparing meals, catching flights or driving home, counting down the days until the holiday break begins. Jesus Christ tends to be forgotten in favour of the commercial side of Christmas and how most people have come to celebrate Christmas in modern years.

I didn’t grow up religious at all. My parents christened my brother and I, and they got married in the local Anglican church, but we were never regular church goers. We never went to a service on Sunday or read The Bible. We never said grace before a meal, or spoke of God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, or any other biblical concepts or figures.

Instead, we grew up with concepts of angels, fairies, astrology, creativity, witchcraft, morals, and just living in reality and living a beautiful life, but we were lacking belief systems.

Several years later in my early twenties, I started becoming more involved with angels, psychics, and everything new age. It was a natural affinity that took centre stage for a number of years, but in 2016 I started to become a bit lost and was looking for more. It felt like my tarot & oracle cards weren’t giving me the depth of connection with the divine that I was needing in my soul. I needed community and I just needed more.

At the end of 2016 at a photography exhibition, I met a lovely girl who mentioned she was a Christian. She invited me to Church and I ended up going for a couple of months in early 2017. Although I met a couple of lovely people, I met someone who was very judgemental towards me which put me off.

Something I really don’t like is being judged. 

We all make judgements, it’s a part of being human. But when someone attacks me I struggle to overcome it. I know it is a weakness in myself that I need to work on, however at this time when I was putting myself into something new and attempting to learn their world, I struggled with the lack of reciprocation and my open-minded and open-hearted efforts being met with judgement. I felt like I didn’t belong. I wasn’t spiritual enough and I wasn’t enough of a believer to fit in with anyone. Honestly, this girl wasn’t that bad. She didn’t say anything awful, she was just very clear and strong with her point of view which heavily conflicted with mine. She is a good-hearted person, but we clashed. Unfortunately this happens sometimes, even when both people are good. I also found some of the other girls had a bitchy high school attitude which bothered me.

As a result of these clashes, I stopped attending church and just decided to focus on real life for a while which was good. I moved out and got my Provisional License in those 6 months. It was a necessary progression in my life as a 24-25 year old. However at the start of 2018 I felt called to go back to the same church and go again. Things had changed a bit in the year I’d been gone – a lot of the people I had met had moved onto another church, and a lot of new faces were at the Sunday 6pm service. I felt a lot more comfortable attending and went most weeks. I became more comfortable with saying God or Jesus, and religious terminology seemed to become more integrated into my vocabulary. I prayed regularly (and he answered even small prayers like asking for a parking spot at a busy location immediately) and built a connection with God for the first time which has changed a lot of things for me.

On Christmas Day this year, my family and I spent the morning opening presents, watching Christmas episodes of Will & Grace, and playing MarioKart. There was no mention of Jesus or what this day means for believers, apart from a small gift in my stocking. It was a necklace from Sister & Soul which had a rose quartz crystal cross, a crown, and a hope tag on it.

A couple of months ago I felt like I needed a cross necklace. I researched lots of them but never found the right one, so I asked Jesus to guide me to the right one, or have someone give it to me as a gift. No one else knew I wanted it, so I was so shocked when I saw this necklace from my mum; I swear she is partly psychic because she just seems to know things. The fact that the cross is made of crystal makes me feel like I am accepted as I am, and I don’t need to abandon my new age beliefs in order to fit in with the Christians at church. It also has additional significance to be because I have a tattoo on my left wrist that says HOPE.

I’ve learned this year that we are God’s perfectly flawed creations. Jesus came to earth to walk amongst us and guide us to be more heavenly on earth, and died for us. We are already loved, and we are already forgiven for our sins, our mistakes, and our flaws. That is what I’ve learned this year, and am grateful for this Christmas.

Each church is different.

The one I regularly attend is quite new agey as far as churches go. Or at least, far from traditional. The band is a modern rock style band that play guitars, and the style of the sermons and music is very much in line with Hillsong which is a church that a lot of people are familiar with. I go to the service aimed at Young Adults that is held on Sunday evenings and tend to resonate quite well with it.

They tend to have a different series or topic each month that the sermons revolve around and August happened to be all about relationships and marriage. As most of the people attending the service are in their early-mid twenties, marriage is something that a lot of us haven’t experienced yet but most likely will in the next decade or so of our lives. This specific sermon happened to be based around sex.

When the preacher said he was going to talk about sex, I immediately got uncomfortable. I was expecting an abstinence only sermon that shamed people who had sex, but I was pleasantly surprised. The tone he took was more about why and how God designed sex to be within the confines of marriage, and that the reason why was because he cares about our bodies, and our souls. Sex is the ultimate bonding exercise on every level, emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually.

He talked about how in this day and age people don’t value sex or look to the creator of it (God) for their knowledge, instead we learn about sex through friends, the internet, family members, or a magazine.

I am of the belief that people should be able to sleep with whoever they want, whenever they want as long as both/all parties consent. But I do agree that people in our current society don’t value sexuality, or their bodies which has led to this Tinder culture replacing courtship or dating culture.

There are positives and negatives to these new attitudes about sex. Positives being people (mostly women) are reclaiming ownership of their bodies from the men that have owned us for generations, and the negatives being that sex is not valued as it is so easy to come by in our current society. Men used to take out women on several dates, meet her parents and family, and months or years later they would have sex. They had to earn trust, respect, approval, and have patience. Why would they choose to do this now when they can go on their phone, swipe right a couple of times, send an unsolicited dick pic and send a direct message saying “wanna hook up?”

We have become lazy and entitled when it comes to love and sex, and I don’t think it’s our fault. It’s a result of our culture, and the technology now available to us. This is the first time in history where it is possible to communicate like this so easily with billions of people around the world, and we are all figuring out how to do so. Our teachers and parents have been unable to show us how to use it, because they have no idea.

Millennials are the internet’s test subjects.

Love, sex, and marriage have never looked like this before. Flirting and dating is almost non-existent for millennials. Getting to know someone takes a click, a scroll, and thirty seconds later and you know all their friends, their dating history, their previous hair styles and fashion choices, where they work, what like they to watch, read, and listen to. Why bother getting to know someone the old fashioned way when we can do it the quick and lazy way?

Since 1950, the average age of people getting married has risen from 20 to 27.5 years old. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is a bad thing – young people these days have so many more opportunities and goals for themselves. Back in 1950 the goal of young people was find a husband, get married, buy a house, have children. Nowadays our goals look more like: get an education, get a good job, travel, pay off debt, live our own life how we want to, find purpose and meaning, then find someone, get married, and buy a house.

The path forward isn’t as clear and focused. No wonder we are confused.

The Huffington Post wrote, “Young people want to have sex, connect and relate in a loving way with others, but cannot offer anyone their commitment when they themselves are still in flux.”

It’s hard to buy into the concept of life long commitment with another person when Gen X and Y are children of divorce. Very few of us had both parents in our lives until we were 18, let alone parents that were still together and HAPPY. When you experience that kind of abandonment or lack of a long term committed happy couple to look up to, it’s hard to believe it exists at all.

Both my grandmothers had very different experiences when it came to sex. My dad’s mother had several partners, and her children had different fathers. She was unlucky in love, and married my dad’s father one month before giving birth to my dad (to his surprise when he found out 35 years later after she passed away).

On the other hand, my mum’s parents were together for over 50 years. Her mother once told me when I was 18 years old, sitting next to her reading New Moon from the Twilight series, “I was still a virgin when I married your grandfather”. Literally nothing had prepared me for her to say it so it was very out of the blue and awkward to say the least.’

I, myself, have never had a slutty phase, and in fact, I’ve not had sex at all. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it or wanted to, I just haven’t been in a situation where it would happen before. It feels strange to write this on the internet for the world to see as it is a very personal thing that for some reason I’ve got a lot of shame and embarrassment around. I think because it’s rare to have someone my age who hasn’t grown up religious to still be a virgin at 26 years old.

In a lot of ways I’m grateful and lucky that I’ve been in control of it – peer pressure hasn’t got to me, and I’m very fortunate to have no experienced any abuse in my life, whether it be from partners or strangers. In a way my virginity is a gift that I have – the gift of choice. I know for a fact when I do meet someone and choose to have sex that it will be my choice, I will be ready, and I will be educated.

I have realised since going to church that if I started dating someone who was saving themselves for marriage, I could wait with them. I no longer have the desperation to lose my vcard that I once had. I don’t necessarily need my first time to be ~special~, but I do want it to be with someone I trust and like. For some reason it’s nearly impossible these days to find someone of the opposite sex that is trustworthy but I know that is one thing I won’t compromise on when it comes to having sex.

I’ve been a late bloomer in general this lifetime. I moved out of home and got my driver’s license at 25 years old. When others were learning to drive and experiencing relationships and intimacy for the first time in high school, I struggling with grief and depression, just trying to survive each day without tears. During university when everyone was dating, drinking and partying, I would go home, binge watch my favourite tv series by myself, shop online, and practice makeup tutorials I found on YouTube.

Being a late bloomer is okay. You’re still blooming, just in your own time.

These days we ask ourselves how long after sex are we dating, instead of how long do we date before we have sex?

I may be someone with traditional values when it comes to love, sex and marriage. I want to date someone, feel all the butterflies and excitement, and then decide together once we’ve talked about it to take that next step in the relationship when both of us are ready.

Going to Church has made me feel normal for my beliefs and values in so many ways, and like a weirdo because of my new age beliefs about what life is about and what happens when we die, as they don’t align with Christianity. I believe in Jesus, I now believe in God, but I don’t agree or believe in so many things from the Bible. I also believe we can learn from Buddist and Islamic teachings. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reconcile it all, nor do I want to. Not every belief system has to be completely defined or confined to one thing. My openness is one of my strengths and I’m grateful I live in a country that allows me the freedom to have my own beliefs and express them.

Am I going to become a church blogger instead of a new age one? Absolutely not. But I do think it’s important to share some lessons I’ve learnt on both sides and recognise the different messages I’m getting and how they connect.

Image Credit: Unsplash 

This was inspired by my holiday to Tangalooma Island in November 2016.

Eight months ago I fell in love with you

As your rays sunk deep into my skin

Your warmth covered me

I felt love, no longer a slave to fear



After escaping my grasp for twenty five years

Love was given to me

In the form of your comfort

Unashamed, unafraid

Unabashed, unspoken



Twenty five years of being on guard

One decade of living in the dark

Now ready to bask in the light

Welcomed, accepted

Received, indescribable



How fortunate I am

To experience you every day

I ask myself

How did I get so lucky?

I really hope you enjoyed it. I’m no poet and I wrote this in about five minutes with minimal editing. On this holiday I realised how much I love the sun.

If you were lurking around the blogsphere in 2011 or so, you would’ve seen the 101 in 1001 Challenge, otherwise known as the Day Zero Project.

The challenge is essentially a bucket list that you have just over two and half years to achieve the goals in. Of course, it’s unlikely anyone can accomplish all of their goals in such a short time period, but it is very motivating to have something to work on consistently for a couple of years.

It gives you focus, and allows your goals to fluctuate as you grow. Last time I did this I realised there are more important things I would rather achieve that some of the goals on the list, and accepted that it’s ok to not complete it. Of course someone more disciplined and determined than me would make it their mission to complete every single goal and that’s fine too.

The rules are simple (borrowed from Day Zero website):

1. Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
2. Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

Onwards with my list…

HEALTH & ENVIRONMENT

1. Run a 5k
2. Replace fizzy drinks with fruit infused water
3. Donate blood
4. Go a month bringing home cooked meals to work for lunch
5. Complete a 30 day Yoga Challenge
6. Go to the dentist
7. Get to a dress size 14
8. Go a month without fast food
9. Switch to a reusable bottle permanently and stop buying plastic bottles of water
10. Try eating something I would never usually eat
11. Go a month without buying anything in plastic
12. Implement a daily yoga practice and stick to it
13. Get laser hair removal
14. Find out if I have PCOS
15. Hike Mount Warning
16. Wake up an hour earlier every day and walk along the beach

SPIRITUALITY

17. Do psychic readings for the general public professionally for at least 6 months
18. Learn to use crystals for their ~magical powers~ and not just the prettiness
19. Join a group meditation
20. Get an aura photo with primarily green
21. Experience a Reiki Healing
22. Try Past Life Regression Therapy
23. Read the Bible
24. Implement a daily meditating practice
25. Find a Church or Spiritual Community whose values align with mine

TRAVEL & EVENTS

26. Renew my passport
27. See the snow
28. Go to Crystal Creek Rainforest Retreat for a long weekend
29. Take a road trip down the coast of Australia
30. Visit a strawberry farm
31. See the Northern Lights
32. Attend a local art or photography show
33. Go to a “creative collective”
34. Go to a One Tree Hill convention in Wilmington or Paris
35. Have a spa weekend at Tamborine Mountain
36. Go on a ferris wheel
37. Go on a flying fox
38. Go to a drive in movie
39. Go to a New Year’s Eve party or event
40. Visit the Greek Islands
41. Visit Perth
42. Visit a museum
43. Stay in a cabin in New Zealand in winter for a week
44. Take a dance class
45. Visit Europe
46. Experience a White Christmas
47. Take a photography class
48. Go to a house party

FINANCES & CAREER

49. Pay off all my credit card debt
50. Earn a salary of $65,000+ per year
51. Deposit $50 into a savings account for each item completed on this list
52. Officially register a business
53. Create a budget that works for me and stick to it
54. Buy a new car
55. Add alt tags to every photo I’ve uploaded on WordPress for my businesses
56. Sell Dad’s old sports memorabilia
57. Take a course on financial/business management

FRIENDS & FAMILY

58. Have friends over and chat around the fire pit
59. Give a “just because” gift
60. Send a handwritten letter once a week for a month
61. Spend a long weekend camping with friends

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

62. Find out if that guy likes me or not after 8 years of wondering
63. Have a first date
64. Have “one of those nights”
65. Go to a LGBT positive club
66. Have really loud sex to get back at my neighbours
67. Have more honest conversations about sexuality with people
68. Have an honest conversation with my childhood boyfriend
69. Meet the love of my life
70. Say “I Love You” to someone and mean it

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT & HOBBIES

71. Finish my “Erin Files” books
72. Buy a pair of high heels (or fancier shoes than my regular old brown boots) and learn to wear them
73. Take a 35mm film photo every day for a month
74. Be a podcast guest
75. Start making regular sit down YouTube videos
76. Write a mini series
77. Complete a TAFE or University course
78. Pay for a stranger’s meal
79. Get dad’s astrology chart done
80. Get drunk once
81. Study Graphic Design
82. Learn to ride a bike
83. Write and record a song
84. Sell designs on RedBubble again
85. Finish scanning all the 35mm film from my childhood
86. Experience a hangover
87. Sell my Canon 60D and shoot mostly film
88. Make photo albums for each year

JUST FOR FUN

89. Read the Bridget Jones series
90. Make a wooden dining table from scratch
91. Learn to use a circular saw
92. Make a time capsule
93. Scan all my instant photos
94. Get a new tattoo
95. Take a live drawing class
96. Learn to french braid
97. See the sky through a telescope
98. Hold a newborn baby
99. Plant and grow a lemon tree
100. Learn how to garden 
101. Use all the remaining candle making supplies I have

Ends: Tuesday 20 April 2021 (my parent’s 30 year wedding anniversary)

“Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.” – Greg Anderson

Hi Daddy,

It’s been 16 years since the day you died. I remember that day so clearly – running around the school at lunch time, feeling like it was the longest lunch break of all time, and then someone told me mum was at the office with Tom looking for me. I rushed over there and they said you were in hospital and we had to leave right now. That moment is so clear in my mind, but what happened after has always been a bit of a blur and I’ve had to fill in the gaps. I don’t remember if I actually did hold your hand and say goodbye, or if I made it up in my head. I really wish I could remember.

When everything came crashing down 16 years ago today, I thought I would never be happy again. I was confused, devastated, and completely at a loss about how I was going to continue on. You were gone, so I wanted to be too – I just wanted to be wherever you were. I contemplated doing something drastic to end the misery so I could be reunited with you again, but you helped me stay here and get through each and every day, as monotonous and miserable as they were.

I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for my childhood and the family I was blessed with. You and mum together created the most perfect childhood I could’ve ever imagined. It was filled with activities, love, and innocence. I felt safe and protected at all times and was truly happy. I also want to thank you for the angels I saw on the day of your funeral, and for the ones wearing party hats I saw on my birthday the following year. Thank you for the financial security you gifted us when you passed. I know you would never have made us struggle in that department, and we never had to worry about that aspect of survival. Thank you for watching over us every single day from where you are now. Thank you for your genetics – although I am not overly happy with my body, we’ve never had any major health issues yet (touch wood). Thank you for the strength of mind and intelligence you have passed onto me. Thank you for never limiting me because I was a girl. Thank you for understanding me. You were truly my best friend. I never really had anybody else when I was younger – I never connected with anyone else or felt understood like the way you got me.

Talking to mum about you makes me realise just how alike we are. We have a similar appearance, we both love the comforts of home and lived at home for a long time after what is socially acceptable. We’re both incredibly stubborn and know what we want. The most defining similarity is that we both lost our dad’s when we were eight years old. One of my biggest fears is that horrible cycle continuing when I have kids. I don’t want my kids to lose their father. I hope that I have done enough growth and soul searching over the years to have broken that curse that seems to be running through our family. I have really tried my best over the last few years to understand why it happened, and to try and take something positive from it. Now I think that you had to do it to me, to understand why your dad did it to you.

Mum told me a few months ago about how one Father’s Day she was struggling to pick out a present for her dad, and you said that you wish you had that problem. I now experience the same thing, and I am positive one of your fears was your children growing up without their father, like you did. Luckily you and I both have incredibly strong mothers who were capable of raising wonderful children all on their own, but it definitely wasn’t easy for any of us.

Back in January a psychic told me that I would meet a man who would become my husband, who has a three-year-old daughter who lost her mother due to cancer. At first I thought I didn’t want that to be my future, but now I really do. If that situation became my reality, I would understand and all three of us would have experienced the same thing, but from a different point of view. I never wanted to be a stepparent. I thought that was the worst thing you can be – stepping into an already broken, torn apart family and trying to fit in. But I truly feel that situation would be something where I could mend it, as well as bring love and understanding to a delicate family dynamic, which is something I never had once you were gone.

Sometimes it hurts like it was yesterday, and other times it does feel like you’ve been gone a long time. At my age now – 24 – you were only around for one-third of my life, but you had an impact that will last a lifetime. It’s so strange to think you would be 53 now. You are forever immortalised in our minds at 38, or maybe even younger as I mostly think of who you were and what you looked like before the accident. Everything about that accident was fate and I know that. Fate can be cruel, but I know it exists to teach us lessons. The lessons I have learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life are all about love and loss. It’s hard to be graceful when we react to death, but I try to be graceful now. I’ve realised that keeping your memory alive through my anger about your death was the wrong way to live, and that if I just realised that you body may have died, but your spirit didn’t, that everything would be better. You are still very much alive in our hearts, in our minds, and on the other side.

I don’t need to ask you if you’re proud of me, or if you’re ever around, or if you’re okay, because I know that you are. You are now free of the body you had for the last year of your life which is an absolute blessing. I have no doubts that you would have stayed if you never had the accident – you would’ve never chosen to leave us. I wish I could hear what you try to communicate to me, because I get frustrated. Sometimes I can feel you, or sense you, or I’m talking to you and I just wish I could hear what you’re saying in return. But I don’t doubt that you are listening and talking back.

I will love you forever, and miss you until the day we are reunited, which I hope is in about 64 years time.

P.S. I’m sorry for how scrambled this letter was. It would have been 10,000 words if it wasn’t scrambled.

This whole year for me has been about wrapping things up in preparation for a new cycle of my life to begin. Every 8 years of my life a new cycle had begun so when I turned 24 in January, I expected this to be the first year of a new cycle, but it surprised me and instead it was about concluding everything that I experienced in the last 8 years and setting intentions for the next 8 years.

Everyone has cycles or phases of their life – things come and go, they change, and sometimes it’s a hard thing to deal with so here are my tips for coping with it and hopefully making the transition as smooth as possible.

Get yourself in the bracing position, and be prepared to leap into your new life. It may be a lot of little leaps as each aspect of your life slowly changes, or it may be the huge leap that you have been anticipating. Either way, at the end of the next cycle you will be in a completely different place in your life. 

Please let me know what cycle of your life you are in – I would genuinely love to know.

Church is something that has not really been on my mind or in my life. I didn’t go to Church as a kid apart from major family events such as christenings, weddings and funerals, and my family was not very religious. I was exposed to a small amount of religion at school; the teachings were based in Anglican/Church of England faith and then Lutheran in my high school years which was quite similar. We had chapel 3 times a week where the band performed religious songs, followed by a pastor’s sermon. Many of us dreaded it (it could get quite repetitive!) and the rest of us were ambivalent.

Very few of my friends were religious and no one in my year level cared about Christian Studies at all. I definitely didn’t connect to the dull way the messages were sometimes delivered. I wasn’t inspired or excited by anything they were talking about and it felt like an old ‘fuddy duddy‘ person thing to be into.

I’ve always been a spiritual person and been into magic and mystical things. Connecting with the divine, angels and spirit guides has always been close to my heart (I saw angels twice when I was 8 years old, right after my dad died) so it felt like my beliefs and experiences directly went against The Bible.

In the middle of 2016 when I was home alone for a month while my mum and her partner went travelling overseas, I started searching for churches in my area online. I wasn’t sure why and I didn’t end up going, but I looked at every website of Gold Coast churches I could find, as well as some Brisbane ones. There was one that stood out to me – Elevation – but I didn’t look into it further than that.

In December I was starting to feel like I was being guided towards Church. It first started with meeting my new friend Sophie at at the Indisposable Concept gallery event who mentioned she was a Christian. After adding each other on FaceBook and talking later that night she mentioned that she goes to Elevation and invited me to come along sometime. I was intrigued but I couldn’t help be a little nervous and resistant to the idea of attending church because I have been so set in my spiritual beliefs for the last two years.

Something that has come up for me while thinking about Church, is that I have an issue with the word “God”. It’s like this feeling of just inner clenching through my body when I hear it. Jesus I am fine with (this took some time) but the word God just puts me off and causes this unconscious reaction. Maybe it’s because so many unjustifiable, despicable acts have been done in the name of God. Even when I got into the medium James Van Praagh and he talked about God as the source of love, it still made me feel this way. I’m not sure if this feeling will go away or if it will always be with me.

Last Sunday night I went to Elevation for the first time. Sophie wasn’t there as she had to work, so I went stag. I am actually really glad that I did because it was a very profound experience for me. I got there 5 minutes before it begun, went into the auditorium, sat down, and wanted to cry. A few tears were welling up in my eyes, then the service started. The second the band came on stage a flood of young people came running in to the Church and hurried to find some seats. The band got it started by performing 3 songs (which made me cry even more because music always moves me). It surprised me how enthusiastic the group was and how into the music they were – the teenagers were jumping and so passionate about it. Whenever the band performed songs at school everyone just stood or sat there doing nothing, then did the polite clap when it was over.

After that, the service started. The founder of the Church came up to introduce the evening, then there was 60 seconds where you had to talk to someone next to you or around you that you don’t know. The guy in front of me turned around and introduced himself to me – Mike. He was really warm and friendly and we did the basic chit-chat while tears were still streaming down my face. After that the pastor began his sermon on the monthly theme “Atmosphere” and the sub-theme for the week was Agreement.

The sermon was based in faith but was not just repetition of bible verses which I appreciated. He added real stories from life and was definitely a relatable sermon which I appreciated. Do I agree with everything that The Bible says? Absolutely not and I never will because a lot of it makes no sense. But do I think we can learn something from The Bible? Absolutely.

After the Sermon ended the band came back on to continue performing whilst people went up to the front of the Church where the pastors were standing and would pray for each individual that went up. They encouraged people not to be shy but I was and stood back. Mike went up there and then when he came back he turned around to me and asked me if I wanted him to pray for me. I was still crying a bit at this point and said “if you want to, it’s new to me”. He then put his hands on my shoulders and started saying the prayer. I couldn’t hear most of it as the band was quite loud but I started crying even more while it was happening. It was a really kind gesture from him and I was grateful that he had offered it to me. I think it would’ve been too intense for me to go up to one of the pastors at the front my first time there in front of lots of people I don’t know.

The most profound moment for me was when the band were singing Amazing Grace.

My chains are gone

I’ve been set free

Those were the lyrics that really made me cry because I’ve always put chains around myself to protect me and to protect others. When I saw a psychic last year he told me that it’s like I’ve been putting chains around myself and my dad has been removing them.

I am definitely going to go back – probably not every single week but it’s too early to say at the moment. I enjoyed it and like the community vibe that Elevation has. It’s funny because about a week ago I pulled a card from the Crazy Sexy Love Notes cards and picked Elevate Your Energy. After the few weeks I have had with lots of emotional breakdowns and unstable emotions, it felt like the right time to go and I’m glad I did.

In the end of 2014, I became obsessed with palmistry. It was around the time I started getting into new age spirituality and after scouring the internet for information on how I could read my own palm, I finally came across Tony Leggett on YouTube. He did quick palm readings of some of my favourite celebrities and after watching him non stop for a couple of weeks, I decided to get my own video palm reading in January 2015. All I had to submit photos of each of my palms and a face picture and wait a week.

As it was one of the first readings I’d had in my life and I was excited to have a 20 minute video dedicated to me. Someone who understood me from looking at my palms. My palms are the road map I was given in life that I couldn’t read myself. Towards the end of the video reading he said he hadn’t been that enthusiastic about a palm in a long time which gave me a lot of hope for my future.

I had a follow up palm reading with Tony in early 2016 when I was feeling very lost, and he said he was disappointed that I hadn’t followed his advice from the first reading and that I shouldn’t have another palm reading done for at least a year.

I was a bit nervous about contacting them about getting an update but seeing as it had been nearly 2 years since my last one I thought it would be ok. I dedided to transcribe the reading below in case you are curious about the type of reading you might get from a palm reader, especially one like Tony. I have had readings with other palm readers but I always gravitate back to Tony and can’t recommend a reading with him more if you need some love and light for your soul.

Note: Text in bolded italics are my words. 

Hi Erin. Ok, this is a wake up call, listen to your Uncle Tony because you’re on the move and you’ve just got to move in the right direction. And you’ve got to let yourself be as free as a bird. No constraints of any kind. You’ve got to taste the flavours of life, get into the feeling of it. And it tells me you’re doing an awful lot of things and I’m thinking if you really want to get into a relationship to somebody, it’s got to come from learning together, learning something. I don’t think it’s just going to be eye to eye relationship, it’s going to be talking, discussing, feeling. I think a toastmasters – I know you have toastmasters in Australia, and if you belong to a toastmasters club, it will open you up into so many different ways, if you can find that.

I also think that photography is a hobby that you should develop and do as a sideline to make some extra money, whether you’re doing all sorts of portraits of children, all sorts of different things. I think because here you’ve got a-if I had hands like this, it shows that you’ve got to be a worker. It shows that you’ve got power in your hands, strength, quality. You shouldn’t be afraid of anything, you can punch anyone in the nose and get away with it. Really, really powerful hands.

You’ve got this mount of Venus which is so strong and energised. Anything you tell yourself you can’t, you can – without a doubt YOU CAN. So therefore you’ve got to go after what you really really want.

Again, the first finger of Jupiter and the Apollo finger, the same length, there’s real power there of being who you really really are. And coming from past lives out of Apollo which is so many different experiences – one of the things you’re searching for is soul food. One of the things you are searching for is to find the real you, who am I really. And it’s not on the outside, it’s on the inside, right deep down in your gut. You’ve got to make a list of things you want, things you don’t want and work from that vibration.

The other thing is I think you are communicating with people very well, and I think that you are clever in so many different ways. But I think you need a total makeover. In clothes, your hair, and fashion – so you feel different. Why you’re feeling the same every day especially with the breaks you’ve made which are very very bold, leaving home and all that kind of thing is very very powerful. I left home when I was 18 and I never went back again and things just got better after that. There is stuff going here that is allowing you to feel freedom. It is all about-this lifetime is all about freedom. It’s all about freedom of the arts, freedom of humans, freedom of the works, and I think I’ve told you this before again and again.

So you can’t be afraid of anything, just walk around smiling at people, give yourself a makeover in hair, makeover in colour, I would wear blue-greens a lot to help you open up into that vibration to attract. You say here you are working in administration for engineers and architects. I think you should be in sports of some kind, maybe get into a newspaper or maybe television or whatever. Somewhere you can deal with sports, whether it be women’s sports, or men’s sports. And I think it will open you up into a new horizon where it will attract different people and you will get the flavour – you will get the flavour of life. You’ve just got it, it’s getting stronger, and I think you’re right, that job is not for you anymore, so you’ve got to open up something really powerful. When the student is ready the teacher will appear and you are ready. So I’m saying, just take on different things – take on different classes, take on different people, take on all sorts of other things and smile and be lovely. Think freedom, think free, think free. Because that’s where you’re coming from.

Certain things in my life haven’t changed, I have not dated anyone. Why? You’re very attractive! Why? Do you smile at people? What kinda guy do you want? What kind of person do you understand? That’s why I’m thinking photography will be a connection there, and also other classes of some kind.

Look in the mirror every morning and say, “I give you permission to be free. I give you permission to be happy. I give you permission to do whatever you want”, and look right into your eyes,  right into your heart chakra, right into your stomach chakra, right into your soul. And allow yourself the feeling of freedom that is your right to grab hold of and live and work with ‘cause that’s what you’re here for.

Erin, you look playful. You look like you’ve got a sense of humour. And you go up to a guy that you like and say, “Hi want to go out, want to have dinner?” Something like that. And if you get rejected that’s alright, I was rejected for 20 years, nobody ever wanted to go out with me, but it turned around after a period of time when I did all the things I told I’m telling you to do and it will change your life too. It’s not that late, maybe you’re a late bloomer when it comes to relationships. The best is yet to come for you, I’m absolutely sure. So don’t panic about not being with the guy, not being married, not doing this or doing that, but just make yourself right with you. And that can’t happen if you’re finding fault, worrying about what didn’t happen rather than what did. You’ve taken that first step and I’m very proud of you.

If I should be looking or doing anything for work. I am good with administration, communications, social media, photography – boy that’s a lot! That’s a lot to be getting involved in. I’m working an administrative role for engineers and architects – that’s boring! That’s dull, that’s not what you are. You should be in the arts of some kind and really involved in it. I feel that path is coming to an end soon – well so it should because you don’t fit in there, and you don’t fit in there because it’s not for you. And your feeling is right because it’s not for you.

Now, the thumb is very solid, you are so set in your old ways that the more you change that the better-but look look at this line of life – what a power! And it shows here, this coming out of the head line – this little bit here, it lasts for about 10 years, where something kicks in where you find your purpose. You find your karma, you find out what you’re here for. This is coming out of Saturn, and it’s going to give you the flavour and then you can do it and you will as you have your free will.

I think you may be looking at your own business of some kind down the line but because you have such a working hand it means you’re going to have to work harder than most people who were given a job, or what you are doing. This is very, very powerful down here, coming out of the Mercury finger, the Mercury finger has a lot to do with intelligence, understanding, and opening up to the real world, analysing for what you have lived.

You have lived so many different lifetimes, been so many different people who are doing so many different things that it’s got to be confusing. If you died unhappily in your last incarnation, then you’ve got fear coming into this one and you don’t want to make mistakes ‘cause you don’t want to get bumped off or killed again. But lines coming across your line of heart, coming across your line of head, coming into your line of fate, coming out of Apollo, which all indicates your natural talents. Your natural talents are very, very good. Also connected to the finger of Mercury here coming out of the Lunar into the-coming out of the upper Mars into the Lunar, into the Mercury into the Pisces shows a lot of power in your spiritual abilities. You know you were born very, very spiritual and a lot of that tells you when you’re brought up by church, school, and all that kind of thing. Blah blah blah blah, atheist, not religion. But there’s a deeper power in you of gifts. And the more you work at this and the more you develop yourself, the lines here, the hope is absolutely most important – hope and doing, hope and doing and not giving up is very, very powerful for you. These bracelets here are so strong, they give a length of life too. And as I said, it’s the line of life it’s mighty mighty powerful.

Now, you have the flexibility of will at the tip of your finger, but you have this stubbornness here, that holds you back in so many ways. It’s like you’ve got the flavour, it’s like you want to go fishing, but you’ve got the rod and you don’t want to throw the rod into the water because you don’t want to pull a fish out that’s going to die – the end product is not what you think at the beginning. So you’ve got to do some beginning products so that the end products can come up to you to see what you really really want.

Square hands show that you are conventional in so many different ways, you know that. And the tips of your fingers are all very round which is easily influenced by other people’s thinkings, doings and feelings. Well I give you permission to be who you really are. Every morning you look in the mirror and you say, “Erin, I love you. I give you permission to be who you truly truly are, and we are going to get into life and love.” And anything else you want to tell your soul. You do that on a regular basis, so you get it your chakras, in your energy centres, and you get it in your psyche. And I think once you do that, once you understand it, once you’re comfortable, once you’re loving yourself enough, once you change your vibration, things are going to get a lot better all round and you’re going to finish up being happy, not confused.

I hope I’ve helped you. Good luck, god bless you and goodbye.

You are loved.

This year I stumbled across The Up Series. It is a series of documentaries where they asked fourteen people from around various areas in the UK questions about their lives every seven years. I thought it would be an interesting thing for me to do, although I would like to do this series every year, instead of every seven years. I’m very into documenting my life and would love to see how my attitude and life circumstances change from year to year. I’m hoping next year that I will be able to create my own video documentary for this project but for now my One Second Every Day videos will have to do.

1. What is your greatest ambition? 
My greatest ambition is to be a mother. I don’t see this answer ever changing. Ever since I was a little girl I have been infatuated with children, and have always pictured myself having kids. I’ve been pretty consistent with my vision of the future for the last couple of years. I used to want a girl and a boy – just like what my mum had so my kids would have the same dynamic and my brother and I. My vision now involves twin boys and a little girl – I have all of their names planned out and don’t share them with anyone except my mum and brother because I fear someone else will have a baby before me and use one of the names. I want my little girl to be called Hope, which I have tattooed on my left wrist, but the boys named remain a secret for now.

2. What is your greatest accomplishment? 
My greatest accomplishment to date is overcoming my depression. I first became depressed after my dad died in 2000 when I was 8 years old, and it took until the end of 2014 when I realised that the year and a half I had spent in therapy had actually worked. It cured me and I was confused about who I was when I was no longer depressed. The world opened up to me, or rather I opened up to the world. Overcoming depression allowed me to be a more confident, talkative, open, and honest person. I was able to let go of a lot of fear and shame that has been holding me back ever since he died.

3. What is the greatest struggle in your life right now? 
My greatest struggle right now is realising that I have a lot more power than I utilise. I’m scared to achieve, I’m scared to be great. I’m scared to have everything I’ve ever wanted, because I worry that it might not be enough and it won’t bring me the happiness I’ve always thought it would.

4. What is your current goal? 
I have two goals right now. One is to drive more so I can get my hours up so I can be a P Plater. The other is to lose weight. I really have nothing standing in my way anymore, except for my bad habits. My eating and exercise habits really need to change so my health can change for the better.

5. What do you fear?
This is something I rarely talk about because the idea of it is so painful, but the thing I fear most is infertility. Like I’ve mentioned all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mum and my biggest fear is that I won’t be able to be one. I know that I will be one no matter what, whether it means I have to consider surrogacy or adoption, but I want to experience carrying a child and giving birth to my own flesh and blood.

6. What do you think of love & what/who do you love?
Love is a concept. I’ve not experienced love and I’ve not felt loved before. I fear that I will never know how to be in a romantic relationship because I am so stunted in this area. Love requires compromise and sacrifice, and I’m not sure I’m willing to do those things. I think most people don’t know what love is, which is why life is so messy.

I love my cameras, vinyl records and tarot & oracle card collection. I love the vision of the future that lives in my head.

7. What do you believe in spiritually?
Honestly whenever somebody asks this I refer them to the television show Charmed. Everything that television show showcases, I believe in. My spiritual practice currently involves a lot of tarot and oracle cards as well as a lot of talking to my Dad, spirit guides and the Angels. I have also recently gotten into guided meditations, though I am not great at switching off yet.

Apart from that I believe in feminism, LGBTQ+ rights, and I believe that the world has a lot of work to do to improve things.

8. What do you do with your time?
Right now I am coming out of a period of nearly 7 months of unemployment. Well, I had a part time job but I worked from home so I have been very introverted and physically, emotionally and mentally inactive. I have spent a lot of time browsing the internet over this period of time and working on my spirituality. I’m hoping that this time next year I spend much less time online and am a more physically active person with some more friends. We’ll see…

9. Which people in your life are the closest to you?
My mum and Tom (my brother), and my friends Janice and Sarah. I have other people I talk to and am friends with, but these are the people I speak to nearly every day. Even so, I don’t have the level of closeness I desire with any of those people. I crave depth of connection so strongly that even my closest friends and family members don’t even come close to satisfying that desire.

10. How do you feel about the opposite sex?
I’ve been infatuated with boys ever since I can remember. It started with platonic love for my dad, brother and grandfather, then I moved on to having romantic interests in boys in primary school.

These days the opposite sex scares me, and I’m not sure I know why. Maybe it’s because of the content I see online – there are scary stories and terrifying things that you see, hear and read on a daily basis, and there’s always something that a male can say that will offend me as a woman. It might not make a lot of people happy to read this as us millennials are supposed to be all about ~equality~, but I do think females are the superior sex.

11. What is success to you? 
Living the life you needed to and learning mistakes. Being at peace with how things panned out when you’re on your deathbed. I wouldn’t be happy with my life if I never had kids or experienced being in love, so if I am able to experience those things that would mean my life was a success.

This was written half way through 2016 to give a more accurate view of what things were like at 24. I turn 25 in a few weeks so I will see you in a year. Please let me know if you do anything like this, I think it would be fun to see how we all change from year to year.

Have any of you noticed that the hot topic of the moment is “being single“? Even though I have been cutting back on social media lately I still have been bombarded by videos and blog posts on it and I thought that as an expert on the topic myself that I should share what being single has been like for me for the last (nearly) 25 years.

I have never had a boyfriend. In a way I wish I had experienced a high school or university relationship but those times in my life were very tough and I think it may have made me even more fragile at the time.

Why am I single?

• Up until the age of 21 or so I was too shy and lacked enough confidence to ever tell anyone I liked them.
• I have self sabotaged by setting up my friends with the guys I’ve liked, just so were are around me but didn’t have the “misfortune of dating me”.
• I have a protective bubble – like a force field – that knocks back people from metres away. I’m working on eliminating this bubble but it takes time.
• I’ve not met a guy in years that I have been attracted to. It’s made me question my sexual orientation and I’m probably somewhere on the bisexual scale but when I picture my future I picture myself with a husband.

What are the benefits of being single?

• You get a whole bed to yourself.
• You don’t have to work around anyone else’s routine; you can do what you want when you want.
• There’s no need to compromise when you’re single. It’s the time in your life where you truly get to live the way you want to live.
• You have a lot of time to pursue the things you’re passionate about.
• You can work a lot and start to make a lot of money. I have two jobs which keeps me pretty busy and I love having the extra money at the beginning of the month.
• There’s no relationship drama. The amount of my friends with boyfriends that tell me all about the drama they experience with their partner makes me grateful that I am not dating them.
• You learn what you need from a partner. I think this is such an important one. If more people were single in their late teens/early twenties I think there would be a higher success rate for long term relationships and people would be happier in their relationships. I know that anyone I am going to date needs to have similar values to me as those are my foundation. Similar interests would be great also as my hobbies and interests take up so much of my time.

Do I want a boyfriend?
Well of course. But in a way I wish I was already coupled up so my lifestyle didn’t have to change too much and we could just sit on the lounge watching tv and movies.

Am I happy being single?
I think so. Being single has really helped me get to know myself and overcome a lot of issues that I’ve had since childhood that other people would call “baggage”. Sure, everyone has baggage to some degree but I think I just have a carry on case now and I can carry that myself. If someone else wants to open the case and take a look that is great, but the case is mine and mine only. My baggage isn’t the size of a shipping container that I want someone else to transport around. I think being single really allows you to put time into yourself and improve yourself.

I don’t think I am the happiest I could be in life but I’m definitely not miserable and I don’t think my happiness lies within other people anyway.

What would I recommend doing if you are single?

• See a psychologist. I don’t think there is a single person on the planet who doesn’t need to see a psychologist at some point in their lives. The best time to go is when you’re single. I went from March 2013 to December 2014 and in that time I overcame a lot of grief and depression I had felt from when my dad passed away when I was 8. I learned to love myself a bit more, and I gained confidence in myself. If you are going to see a psychologist I highly recommend seeking out one yourself. I found mine by googling “psychologist [suburb]”. I looked through the list and instantly found the one for me and I loved her. If I wasn’t her patient I would have wanted to be her friend and I know she felt the same way.
• Try some hobbies and find what you love doing. My personality is drawn to the arts so I go to concerts, craft a lot, take photos, write, and recently got really into spirituality and personality types. It’s great if you can find something that changes a lot or is something that is constantly evolving so it can be a lifelong hobby or interest if you want it to be.
• Learn to take care of yourself. This is a great point that Hannah Witton mentioned in her video on the topic. You will gain confidence in yourself and know that no matter what happens you can keep yourself alive and do everything yourself when you need to. This involves knowing how to manage your money and do taxes, cook healthy recipes, even exploring your sexuality, going to the movies alone, and doing everything just for you.
• Take photos of yourself. I’ve noticed that people take more photos when in relationships which sure, makes sense. But you don’t want to have periods of your life missing just because you were single. Take photos of yourself so you can remember the time in your life where you grew and learned so much.
• Expand your circle. This is easier said than done but if you are able to expand your friendship group, definitely do so. If you want to meet new people and possibly form new relationships or friendships then you need to expand your circle. You never know who you will meet through someone else.
• Buy yourself flowers. Don’t wait around for a guy (or girl) to buy you flowers.

I’d love to hear about what being single has been like for any of you so please leave a comment so we can chat some more.

Well that was a pretty lame attempt at poetry, but it was fun. I’ve never written poetry before except in school when they made us, and I hated it at the time. I’d like to do it some more, it’s really interesting and fascinating to read and to hear. I love that you can convey so much in so few words, and that there could be years worth of story in just one line.

Fourteen years ago my dad died. He died on the 7th of March 2000 and the funeral was on the 14th of March. It’s so odd but this is the first year it hasn’t hurt. It’s the first year I’ve really noticed the pain not being so crippling and hurting so bad.

Dad before I was born…

Over the last 12 months I’ve spent a lot of time learning and talking about him and I truly think that is what has helped the pain go away. I honestly thought the pain would be unbearable forever, that the ache would always be there and I suppose it will be, but it will not always hurt as bad as it did. My heart was shattered, battered and bruised, it was beyond repair and I let it stay that way until a couple of years ago when I started to piece it back together. At the moment it’s still a little purple from the bruises but now you can see the healthy red layer beneath the purple one. It’s so freeing to finally feel like a fourteen year long grieving period is coming to an end.

I feel motivated and ready to start the next chapter of my life. My mind is flooded with goals and visions of who I will be and it really is time to take steps to make it a reality. I’m so fortunate and have a lot of things going for me and I’m ready to take advantage of them and use whatever I’ve got to get to the places I want to go. I’ve officially decided to see through my job until the end of the year and then I’m moving to Sydney; finally committing to leaving. Sydney is the current goal. The long term goal is love and kids which hopefully will come long with Sydney.

March, 2010. My first month of University. It’s been four years since then and wow, I have changed a lot. All of my friends either never went to Uni in the first place or are at the beginning of another year on campus and it’s a weird feeling to be left out. It’s also weird to feel like you’re moving into another stage of your life than your friends who are still attending university. Almost like you’re leaving them behind but you hands are joined, holding on for dear life, not wanting to leave – or be left.

Uni was an interesting time of my life – definitely a time of change. My sense of fashion was all over the place, I experimented with awful, unflattering make-up for the first time and I was hugely awkward. I still am. I didn’t know who I was – I wasn’t the depressed emo kid anymore, I wasn’t an independent adult, I was an inbetweener. Meeting so many new people who seemed more like me than anyone at school did was great. I was no longer the weird one, but I was still a loner. Uni seemed to fly by – three years felt like nothing in comparison to the five years of High School and the eight years of Primary School before that.

Sidenote: I’ve got almost no pictures from my times at Uni as I still hated having my picture taken because of my low self-esteem. I didn’t keep a diary throughout those three years so I don’t have any particular thoughts written down either. I just have my memories and my screenplays to look back on.

I was so excited to graduate last year – I was supposed to graduate at the end of 2012 but one of my credits was held up, which meant I didn’t graduate until mid-2013. I only had one class which I decided to take online, so I could get a job.

Feeling ready for a new beginning, I went into 2013 with goals and plans which apart from getting a job, I had accomplished by February. I was aimless for the next two months until I finally got my first job at a small business. I felt rejuvenated when I started work – I had a focus and a purpose, I had tasks to do and time to reflect on my growth which was very satisfying. I had also started seeing a therapist to work through some of my grief over my dad’s death and came a long way. I can talk about him now without my heart breaking and wanting to cry. That is something I thought was unimaginable for 13 years of my life – I was convinced the pain would never go away and it would always hurt as bad as it did during those years.

I delved into psychology in 2013 and found out a lot about myself and others. I’ve gained a deeper understanding of the people in my life and why they are the way they are. Discovering that they view the world differently to me has helped tremendously with all my relationships. I’ve found answers as to why I’ve never truly felt understood by anyone in my life – it’s simply because they don’t think about the same things as I do and their brains don’t work the same way. I’ve learned not to be angry at them about that as it’s not their fault.

These days most of my time is spent thinking about moving to Sydney. I think about the places I’ll go, the things I want to take pictures of, the way I want my place to look, the diy projects I’ll get to do, the people I’ll get to hang out with and so, so much more. I started saving money late last year and have done pretty well so I’m finally taking steps to make my dream a reality.

I’m worried about how my friendships will turn out. I’m terrible at keeping friends. Unless we make an effort to catch up all my friendships fall by the wayside. It’s not conceivable to think my friendships will be the same once I move hours away. There’s only so much you can know about each other through Facebook. Change is scary, exciting and incredibly necessary.

I wish all you University students the best for 2014 – soak it up while it lasts, it’ll be gone before you know it.

My friend said this to me a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. 

We were talking about what the “ideal guy” would be like. Bare in mind that she’s only dated one person who is her current boyfriend of four years and I’ve not dated at all in my adult life. She regularly says to me that she’s unhappy or he annoys her and asks for my advice a lot – their relationship definitely isn’t perfect and I personally don’t think she is very happy in it. They’ve been together since she was 17 – she’s now 21. Her parents also don’t have a great relationship and have struggled a lot.

Getting back on track, I was describing qualities I would like in a future husband such as:

• Can’t be homophobic, sexist, racist, or any other ‘ist’
• Genuine, honest (but not in a blunt/nasty way)
• Wants a family & to be married
• Doesn’t carry a lot of hate
• Relatively smart – not necessarily ‘intelligent’, more like not dumb. I have quite a lot of thoughts and things I want to discuss and I need someone that I can talk to.
• Open minded about the world
• Adventurous – likes to do a lot of activities but can also stay at home and be content
• Can carry the conversation most of the time, but can also listen. Mostly I just want my feelings validated by the person I’m with.
• Accepts me as I am
• Good with finances (not a requirement, just a preference because I’m terrible with money)

I don’t feel any of these are asking for anything specific – apart from smart and talkative, but a listener. The rest I think are just basic qualities that make up a good person. However, after reeling off the list she said to me your standards are too high. That really rubbed me the wrong way at the time so I just simply said “I don’t think so”. I’ve thought about it a lot since and have come to the conclusion that so many people hear from others that they should lower their standards and I hate it. Just because your parents or someone you know says that doesn’t mean you should listen and put their negative advice into action. You need to think about what they’re saying and correlate it with their relationship. Are they happy? If not, then don’t listen to them. If they have an unhealthy relationship, don’t listen to them. You can take in what they’re saying and make up your own mind about your own life and relationships.

I think by lowering your standards you’re bound to end up in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship. I do think the people you fall in love with will surprise you and won’t be exactly who you thought that you’d end up with and that’s great. It’s great to be surprised…. but I’m not going to lower my standards and just get into a relationship with any guy and settle for second best. Pretty much everyone I know has settled in their relationships and I refuse to be like that. A lot of people just don’t know what they want or need so they do lower their standards.

Think about what you need and want from a partner. What kind of person could you spend your life with? Figure it out and don’t settle for second best.  I’m going to keep my standards high and my eyes open and see who comes along and I think you should do the same.