Have any of you noticed that the hot topic of the moment is “being single“? Even though I have been cutting back on social media lately I still have been bombarded by videos and blog posts on it and I thought that as an expert on the topic myself that I should share what being single has been like for me for the last (nearly) 25 years.

I have never had a boyfriend. In a way I wish I had experienced a high school or university relationship but those times in my life were very tough and I think it may have made me even more fragile at the time.

Why am I single?

• Up until the age of 21 or so I was too shy and lacked enough confidence to ever tell anyone I liked them.
• I have self sabotaged by setting up my friends with the guys I’ve liked, just so were are around me but didn’t have the “misfortune of dating me”.
• I have a protective bubble – like a force field – that knocks back people from metres away. I’m working on eliminating this bubble but it takes time.
• I’ve not met a guy in years that I have been attracted to. It’s made me question my sexual orientation and I’m probably somewhere on the bisexual scale but when I picture my future I picture myself with a husband.

What are the benefits of being single?

• You get a whole bed to yourself.
• You don’t have to work around anyone else’s routine; you can do what you want when you want.
• There’s no need to compromise when you’re single. It’s the time in your life where you truly get to live the way you want to live.
• You have a lot of time to pursue the things you’re passionate about.
• You can work a lot and start to make a lot of money. I have two jobs which keeps me pretty busy and I love having the extra money at the beginning of the month.
• There’s no relationship drama. The amount of my friends with boyfriends that tell me all about the drama they experience with their partner makes me grateful that I am not dating them.
• You learn what you need from a partner. I think this is such an important one. If more people were single in their late teens/early twenties I think there would be a higher success rate for long term relationships and people would be happier in their relationships. I know that anyone I am going to date needs to have similar values to me as those are my foundation. Similar interests would be great also as my hobbies and interests take up so much of my time.

Do I want a boyfriend?
Well of course. But in a way I wish I was already coupled up so my lifestyle didn’t have to change too much and we could just sit on the lounge watching tv and movies.

Am I happy being single?
I think so. Being single has really helped me get to know myself and overcome a lot of issues that I’ve had since childhood that other people would call “baggage”. Sure, everyone has baggage to some degree but I think I just have a carry on case now and I can carry that myself. If someone else wants to open the case and take a look that is great, but the case is mine and mine only. My baggage isn’t the size of a shipping container that I want someone else to transport around. I think being single really allows you to put time into yourself and improve yourself.

I don’t think I am the happiest I could be in life but I’m definitely not miserable and I don’t think my happiness lies within other people anyway.

What would I recommend doing if you are single?

• See a psychologist. I don’t think there is a single person on the planet who doesn’t need to see a psychologist at some point in their lives. The best time to go is when you’re single. I went from March 2013 to December 2014 and in that time I overcame a lot of grief and depression I had felt from when my dad passed away when I was 8. I learned to love myself a bit more, and I gained confidence in myself. If you are going to see a psychologist I highly recommend seeking out one yourself. I found mine by googling “psychologist [suburb]”. I looked through the list and instantly found the one for me and I loved her. If I wasn’t her patient I would have wanted to be her friend and I know she felt the same way.
• Try some hobbies and find what you love doing. My personality is drawn to the arts so I go to concerts, craft a lot, take photos, write, and recently got really into spirituality and personality types. It’s great if you can find something that changes a lot or is something that is constantly evolving so it can be a lifelong hobby or interest if you want it to be.
• Learn to take care of yourself. This is a great point that Hannah Witton mentioned in her video on the topic. You will gain confidence in yourself and know that no matter what happens you can keep yourself alive and do everything yourself when you need to. This involves knowing how to manage your money and do taxes, cook healthy recipes, even exploring your sexuality, going to the movies alone, and doing everything just for you.
• Take photos of yourself. I’ve noticed that people take more photos when in relationships which sure, makes sense. But you don’t want to have periods of your life missing just because you were single. Take photos of yourself so you can remember the time in your life where you grew and learned so much.
• Expand your circle. This is easier said than done but if you are able to expand your friendship group, definitely do so. If you want to meet new people and possibly form new relationships or friendships then you need to expand your circle. You never know who you will meet through someone else.
• Buy yourself flowers. Don’t wait around for a guy (or girl) to buy you flowers.

I’d love to hear about what being single has been like for any of you so please leave a comment so we can chat some more.

For over two years I’ve been wanting to write about this show but there was one problem: how do you write about something that has impacted your life so greatly?

Firstly, if you’ve never heard of the Channel 4 television series My Mad Fat Diary, based on the real life diaries of Rae Earl, here’s a quick run-down.

Set in 1996 in Lincolnshire, the show tells the tragic and humorous story of a very troubled young girl Rae, who has just left a psychiatric hospital, where she has spent four months after attempting suicide. She begins to reconnect with her best friend Chloe and her group, who are unaware of Rae’s mental health and body image problems, believing she was in France for the past four months.

The series finale of My Mad Fat Diary airs today (I watched the advanced premiere yesterday) and it conjured up many feelings and memories for me. The episode took me back to the first series when I was a lot like the protagonist, Rae. I have a lot in common with Rae: my father isn’t in my life, I’ve struggled with mental health (although not the same illnesses as her), and I have been overweight the majority of my life. There was a lot I learned from watching her story unfold in that first series – I took the lessons she was learning and applied them in my own life.

I’m such a happy person now that it’s hard to think back to when I watched the first series and related to her depression and mental health struggles. Watching Rae and Kester’s (her therapist) sessions made me decide to see a psychologist myself. I hadn’t seen once since I was about 9 years old and really struggling to cope with my dad’s death. I remember going to see that lady and sitting in the corner and crying. I wouldn’t talk, and I wouldn’t draw anything like she was asking me to as I had no drawing talent. I just wasn’t ready to open up and begin to heal at that time when the pain was so raw.

Around March 2013, one month after series one had aired, I decided to look up psychologists in my area so I could start my own healing process. I came across a picture of one close by that I could tell I would get along with. I continued to see her every couple of weeks for a year and a half. That’s the best way to find a therapist or psychologist – look them up and trust your intuition. I could tell from the picture that she was a warm person who would listen to what I had to say, without being condescending. Everyone has different needs for a therapist; I didn’t need one that would tell me all the things I was doing wrong, I just wanted someone to listen and ask me questions that would lead to self-growth and acceptance.

In My Mad Fat Diary’s series three finale, Rae has to deal with moving on – not only moving to a new city, but moving on from her therapy sessions that she has so heavily relied on for two years. My sessions ended last November, but for a few months before that I could tell that the sessions weren’t worth going to anymore; I was better, and that was hard to accept. I was in denial and disbelief for a while because ever since my dad died over 15 years ago, I never thought I wouldn’t be miserable and grieving. What do you do when you finally realise you’re happy? That happiness isn’t a fake emotion people put on for show? That you’ve healed yourself?

I’ve always found moving onto a new phase of life really difficult. Leaving high school in particular was really hard. Even though like most people I didn’t love going to school or many of the people there, it was still hard to move on without having any direction. Fortunately for me, fate took over and all of a sudden I was 18 and studying at University. Watching Rae take control of her future in this final episode was inspiring and goes to show that no matter what your struggles are, you can do whatever you want and follow your dreams.

There’s many lessons to take from this show, but the most important one is that you have got to love yourself, first and foremost. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, good and bad qualities, and we’re all trying our best to grow and be good people. You’ve got to look at other people and see the beautiful things about them, but you’ve also got to look at yourself the same way. We’re all our own biggest critics and we need to let a lot of that go and treat ourselves well.

If you’re dealing with any of the issues that were brought up in the show, please seek help. You don’t have to struggle alone and there are people that want to help you get better. I truly believe that just letting your thoughts be heard and getting that negative energy out of your body, is the most healing thing of all. You’ve survived 100% of your worst days so far and you’re stronger and better for it. 

There was a lot more I wanted to say about the show but these people say it better than I do:

Really Funny – Rookie Magazine

In Praise of My Mad Fat Diary – Emzae Music

My Mad Fat Diary Has Gotten It Oh So Right! – Retro and Thrift

My Mad Fat Diary – interview with screenwriter Tom Bidwell – Nicola Doherty

If you watch it please let me know what you think. I’d love to chat with you! 

Dear Erin,

Eight years ago your dad was still alive, you were still living in Sydney (your favourite city in the world), you were interested in boys who were interested in you, and you were optimistic about the future. Then it all came crashing down around you and you lost it all. You lost everything you loved and everything that made you feel safe.

I know you are struggling in the present. Ever since that happened depression has been very much with you. You feel lonely the vast majority of the time, even in a group of all your friends where everyone seems to be having a good time. You think that their lives are so easy because their parents are alive and they didn’t have to go through the things that you have, and that’s understandable. Over time as you deepen those friendships and time goes on, you will see how they struggle, just like you. One of your gifts in this lifetime is understanding. You truly understand other people’s feelings, their struggles, and their pain. You’re a good listener, and you know how to help those people as you have gone through some really hard things too and can give advice. All kinds of people will open up to you over the course of your life because you’re approachable and likeable, even though you don’t see why.

You also find it hard to do anything that isn’t required of you. But I want you to know that life has so much beauty and wonder and growth in store for you. It won’t always be like this – you are strong and you are the one who will change your life for the better. I wish I could give you some practical advice as to what to do to get better faster, but being you, I realise that you won’t take that advice on board because you aren’t ready yet and that’s okay. You’ve always needed to do things in your own time and there’s nothing wrong with not following the crowd.

Eight years from now you will have accomplished so much and will still be working hard to overcome fears and to achieve goals you thought you never would. I don’t want to spoil it all for you, but I want you to know that you won’t always be hurting like you are now. You will be fortunate in keeping your high school friendships for many more years, and you will make some new friends who add so much to your life. You’re going to feel a little lost in your professional life but that’s normal. You might be surprised to find out just how happy you are on a day-to-day basis. What you thought wasn’t possible, truly is possible. I know you’re shaking your head as you read this and that’s okay, because it will be proven to you over time.

Just keep doing your best, sweetheart. Everything in your life has happened for a reason: to teach you about love and loss, the two most important things that we experience as humans. Hold onto that hope and optimism about your future buried deep inside of you – it will carry you through some of the dark times you will experience over the next few years.

I’m rooting for you.

All My Love,
Erin (24)