With just a week until I turn 30, I thought it would be the perfect time to answer The Up Series questions to round up my twenties. It is crazy to me that I will be turning 30 in exactly one week from now. My twenties have been a really fun and interesting decade of my life with a lot of healing, self growth, and joy. I still have a long way to go in life but I feel closer than ever to the person I want to be.

For The Up Series this year, I decided to try out some new questions that I found from Stephen Ango on Medium.

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?

I went parasailing and snorkeling! I was so scared to do both of them as they were new experiences but I thoroughly enjoyed both of them and can’t wait to do it again.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions?

No. I didn’t really set many resolutions at the start of 2021 as I was quite unmotivated and uninspired to do anything and felt very stagnated in my life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my fourth godchild was born – Jasper!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I am blessed to say no.

5. What cities/states/countries did you visit?

I visited Sydney in March 2021, Stanthorpe in the middle of 2021, and Tangalooma in November 2021.

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

Romance!

7. What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

5 March 2021. It was the date that everything changed for me for the remainder of the year and my life. The day I felt like Sydney was truly home and I had to move back.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Starting to see a personal trainer and being consistent with it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I didn’t have many failures this year, it was a lot of growth, expansion, and forward movement. I think I felt a lot of day-to-day boredom which was a fail as it’s up to me to change my attitude and make each day one to remember.

10. What other hardships did you face?

Just a lot of feeling stuck, and when I finally decided I’m going to move to Sydney it took a lot of courage to commit to the idea. I will be moving in just a few short weeks, right after I turn 30.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I did. I had a sore neck for most of the year, but the most memorable was in September 2021 when I ended up in hospital 4 days after the Pfizer vaccine. The vaccine amplified the inflammation my body is already dealing with which lead to a gallbladder attack (acute cholecystitis) and a day in hospital. It was something completely unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and was so painful, uncomfortable, and draining. Before I had the second dose I took some supplements that helped, but now that it’s been triggered it will most likely happen again.

12. What was the best thing you bought?

I feel as though I didn’t buy many things in 2021 compared to previous years which is great, so I’m going to say my ETFs were the best purchase/investment!

13. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

N/A

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

Some of the Governments were out of control when it came to COVID-19 restrictions.

15. Where did most of your money go?

Apart from general living costs, I’m proud to say that for the first time it went to Savings/Investments.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Reconnecting with an old friend out of the blue and also meeting someone I really had a great connection with.

17. What song will always remind you of this year?

Let’s Go Home Together by Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan. It was my most played song of 2021 by fat!

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Happier.

ii. Thinner or fatter? About the sane.

iii. Richer or poorer? Richer.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Getting out of my comfort zone – every time I did I had so much fun and made the best memories of the year.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Less complaining – it never leads to a favourable outcome.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas just came and went and I spent it with my immediate family. I hope next year it is the same.

22. Did you fall in love this year?

Yes, although I don’t think anyone fell in love with me this year.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No, I don’t have time or energy to hate anyone.

24. What was your favorite show?

Good Trouble. I also fell in love with One Tree Hill again thanks to the Drama Queens podcast!

25. What was the best book you read?

I haven’t read a full book in a very long time.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year?

Dear Evan Hansen – I became obsessed with the soundtrack. Also Casey Lowry – he doesn’t have much music out, but I love his tiktoks.

27. What was your favourite film?

I only watched one movie at the cinema in the last year which was Dear Evan Hansen which I loved.

28. What was your favourite meal?

Lemon & herb chicken and potatoes.

29. What did you want and get?

I wanted direction and definitely got it along with the gift of courage to pursue it.

30. What did you want and not get?

The love of my life.

31. What did you do on your birthday?

My birthday is in a week! But last year’s birthday when I turned 29 I cried a lot, went to breakfast with my mum, and cried more. I was very depressed on my birthday, feeling directionless and like nothing had changed in the previous year.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Falling in love with someone who loves me too.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of the year?

Midi dresses.

34. What kept you sane?

Podcasts.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most?

I don’t really admire celebrities or public figures anymore, at least not the way I used to. I am a big fan of Mindy Kaling though as she creates such wonderful and fun tv shows for me to watch!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

COVID-19, like it did for anyone.

37. Who did you miss?

My brother. After 3 years of not seeing him we finally got to reunite a couple of weeks ago for Christmas.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

That has to be a secret…

39. What valuable life lesson did you learn this year?

How important my health is and how much I have disregarded it over the year and abused my body. My body is strong and has been able to fight me back but after ending up in hospital from the COVID vaccination that caused a gallbladder attack, I realised how fragile my body actually is and that I need to take better care of it.

40. What is a quote that sums up your year?

Expect the unexpected!

Before I completely forget, I really want to record a memory of a really important day of my life.

About six weeks ago on 6 September 2021, I started feeling a bit of back pain throughout the day at work. I thought maybe I just strained it moving furniture or cleaning or something as it was a dull ache that I was able to pay no attention to. Later that day I went to my mum’s house for dinner like I do every Monday night and decided to leave a bit earlier than normal at 7pm as my stomach was hurting and I thought I just needed to go to bed early and sleep it off. I tossed and turned in agony for about half an hour as the discomfort worsened.

I felt the need to throw up after that and from that moment on I threw up about 4 times within an hour, had a small reprieve from about 9-11pm and then after that woke up every 45 minutes or so to be sick. Eventually it became orange bile that I was throwing up, as all food I had consumed had already been thrown up.

Thinking this was very abnormal and unlike any illness I had ever experienced, I shook it off just thinking that I had food poisoning which was why I had been throwing up so much.

After getting only 2 hours of solid sleep that night, I woke up about 5am and decided to have a shower and wash my hair as I felt gross after the night I experienced. About 6am I tried calling my boss (he’s an early riser) to say I would only come in for a couple of hours to finish the 3 submissions I had due that day (they were 90% complete) but he didn’t answer. I sat on the lounge downstairs for about half an hour waiting to try calling him again. My flatmates were concerned – one of them had only had a few hours sleep as she heard me being sick all night, and she was trying to convince me to go to the hospital. I was reluctant as I had never been to the hospital for anything apart from a planned surgery for wisdom teeth removal in 2015.

I saw my colleague Sarah was active on Facebook messenger so I messaged her to see if she could take over one of my submission that was due at work as I was going to go home early as I was sick and she said it was no problem.

I called my boss again at 6:30 and he answered this time. I explained that I had a really rough night being sick all night and would only come in for a few hours to finalise the submissions we had due and then I would go home and rest. He was concerned but I think we both didn’t realise how sick I actually was at the time.

About 7am my flatmate was just about ready to go to work but kept insisting she would take me to the hospital if I wanted her to. After a lot more nudging I agreed to go. I got changed, grabbed my sick bowl and some tissues and got in her car. The drive there was torture. Fortunately, the hospital is only ten minutes away from our house but with every roundabout I was praying that I wouldn’t be sick again.

I was very grateful she came with me as she had taken herself to the hospital’s emergency room a few times and knew where to go. When we got to the desk the lady asked me so many questions. Due to the lack of sleep and how much pain I was in I struggled to answer the most basic of questions. I remember when they asked my address so they could input my details, I just handed over my license with the address on the back so I didn’t have to say it.

After about ten minutes of answering questions, we finally sat down and waited for my name to be called. I found an empty set of seats and laid down as it felt better than sitting. It was very uncomfortable though so I was still struggling.

Another ten minutes later my name was called. The nurse took some blood (site note: she found my vein so quick, most people struggle so I was impressed, especially because of how dehydrated I was at the time). Right as I sat down I felt the need to be sick again, and I threw up some yellow bile – a change from the orange that I saw all night but fortunately that was the last time I threw up.

After the blood test she took me back to the waiting room and gave me some dissolvable tablets to stop the nausea. Fortunately it worked as I didn’t throw up again for the rest of the day. As I was in the waiting room with my friend again, I decided to call my mum and tell her I was in hospital. She immediately sounded worried and asked if I wanted her to come and I said yes and started crying. Every bit of strength that was holding me together fell apart in that moment.

I also called some colleagues to tell them I can’t do the submissions as I was at hospital not well and that Sarah would finish them for me.

The nurse called my name again and took me into the emergency room. I was really shocked at how loud the room was but also how calm all the staff were. An elderly lady was in the next spot over to me and had clearly had a fall of some kind and seemed to be confused about where she was and the nurse was trying to explain everything to her. The patience and kindness she showed the lady was really impressive and made me feel like I was in good hands.

A nurse came and took all my information again and gave me a gown to change into. It was about 20 minutes until my mum got there – again, so lucky we live so close to each other and the hospital.

She was so worried and none of us knew what actually was making me feel sick. I knew I had some existing health conditions that I had told them about – PCOS, NAFLD, gallstones, and four days prior I had my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. I didn’t connect any of those things to the sickness I had been experiencing for over 12 hours at this point.

About half an hour after my mum arrived, the nurses gave me some pills – I believe they said it was endone to help with the pain. Surprisingly they didn’t put me on a drip or anything the whole day, despite the amount of fluids I’d lost. The endone was crushed up in some yogurt as I said I can’t swallow a full pill and as I started eating it I started crying. It was not about my current health situation or being in hospital, but stress about work. I am literally in hospital with an unknown condition that has caused immense pain for 12 hours and I’m worried about work. The nurses and my mum were trying to comfort me but I couldn’t stop crying and felt so guilty that I wouldn’t be able to submit everything I had to that day. Reflecting back on this moment I’m so shocked and angry at myself that my body was screaming at me and was suffering, and I still had an internal voice that cared about work.

I am not sure if it was a way of being in denial about what was happening, but I think my current job has turned me into a bit of a work zombie. When I first started this job, it was quite slow; I had certain tasks I had to do each day or week and I quickly mastered them so I had a lot of spare time. The people I worked with didn’t handover a lot of tasks to me that they should have in those early days, as I think they were used to doing everything themselves. It’s five years later and I always have things to do and deadlines to meet almost daily. Work doesn’t stop. The slow days are only a few each year, so my body has gotten used to a certain lifestyle and quantity of work I need to complete.

In reflection I think my body was exhausted, overworked, and needed to break down in order to force me to rest and repair the damage that had been done. It was fighting extra inflammation (above my already highly inflamed state) due to the vaccine and stress from the weeks leading up to this day which is what caused me to be sick.

Shortly after, Dr. Luke arrived. Sometimes I find medical professionals really cold and their energy can somehow hurt or offend me and make me feel even more vulnerable but he was very sweet and kind so I was happy he was my doctor. He asked me a lot of questions about the pain I had and did some testing and feeling around to see what hurt and what didn’t. The upper right stomach area seemed to be the only problem so he said I would need to get an ultrasound and he would book it in for 11am (it was about 9:30).

I tried to get some rest now that some of the pain had subsided while my mum sat in the chair waiting with me for 11am to arrive. Mum called my boss again and said I won’t make it into work as I wouldn’t be leaving hospital anytime soon.

I tossed and turned a bit more, posted a photo on Instagram of me in hospital, and tried to get some rest. When I next looked at my phone I had so many messages of people asking what had happened and why I was in hospital. It was really sweet, made me feel like people cared and were worried about me.

It is kind of weird being in hospital as a 29-year-old single woman. You expect for some reason when you will be in hospital that you will have a husband or boyfriend that will take you and be there with you. Instead, I had my mum there and a tribe of 30 women praying for me. It made me feel mixed feelings, sad that I didn’t have a partner, but so blessed that I had so many women that cared about me. One thing I really noticed through this experience is that women care. There’s a reason we are the caretakers. Women have an innate sense of empathy and truly value the people and relationships in their lives which is why I felt so blessed to have them in my life. My brother was the only male I know that checked up on me or asked how I was doing throughout the whole experience. It really showcased the difference in our make up and our conditioning and gave me a lot to reflect on.

Eventually someone came to get me and told me that it was time for my ultrasound. I think it was about 11:15am. They wheeled me down the halls in a wheelchair and then I sat outside the ultrasound room for another 15 minutes. It was really cold and awkward as there weren’t many people around while I was waiting. It was a true moment of silence though, no devices, no people to talk to, no one to perform or show off for. It is so rare that I ever have a moment without a device to connect to people. I really need to make time for that in my life as I am constantly distracting myself with anything I can. It’s something we all do to cope and escape but I think that hinders me sometimes.

The ultrasound took about half an hour and again I have to say, the guy that did it was so nice and helpful. I cannot speak highly enough of every single person I encountered at the hospital – they were calm, helpful, good listeners and genuinely wanted to help.

After the ultrasound I was moved to some sort of shared recovery room where I stayed for a few hours while we waited for the results. I started to feel a lot better around 2pm but still very weak. Evnetually Doctor Luke came back and said the ultrasound looked overall good and it seemed like the gallbladder attack (or acute cholecystitis) was caused by gallstones that got stuck but they had since moved and looked a bit better.

I definitely think the inflammation that led to the gallbladder attack was caused by the COVID-19 vaccine that I had just a few days prior. I did a small bit of research and it seemed as though a few people had the same reaction, although not widely spread. 

Since the gallbladder attack I have had a dull ache in that region that is constant but does have moments of flaring up more, but never leading to the awful pain, nausea and vomiting I experienced during the gallbladder attack. Overall I am feeling much better but a bit traumatised from the experience as I have never been in hospital for anything except a wisdom teeth removal day surgery before.

I can’t talk highly enough about the medical professionals I encountered at the hospital, they were absolutely brilliant the whole day and I gained even more respect for them.

So it is official; I have NAFLD.

And to put the cherry on top of the cake, I also have gallstones.

I got an ultrasound on my abdomen that revealed this and I’m not going to lie, I had a bit of a cry in the car after I left. Although it was an OK experience, I felt a bit overwhelmed and helpless feeling like it’s one thing on top of another. It’s PCOS, now it’s NAFLD, oh and throw in gallstones too!

I had an awkward time during the ultrasound due to my breathing – he would guide me when to breathe in and out which is always stressful, even in meditations as I tend to be someone who holds my breath a lot due to stress or anxiety and find it hard to find a breathing rhythm. I apologised at the end to the sonographer and he said “you did let me down a little bit”. He was really nice but I know I would’ve made it difficult because I can’t breathe!

The good news is that the sonographer said the gallstones are moving as if they stop moving they kind of get stuck and need to be removed in surgery. Apart from that, I don’t know a whole lot about gallstones although I have heard people that have their gallbladder removed lose weight, but there can be complications. I would be lying if I wasn’t considering having that surgery, but the idea of surgery in general terrifies me.

I only know a few things about NAFLD and honestly I haven’t done a lot of research on it yet as I am still focus on PCOS now that I have a confirmed diagnosis. Here they are:

• It is extremely common – approximately 1 in 3 Australian adults have NAFLD
• It is reversible (YAY!)
• NAFLD means that 5-10% of your liver content is fat which is excessive
• It can be connected to other health conditions such as obesity, diabetes, high cholesterol or high blood pressure
• PCOS accounts for a higher risk of NAFLD
• Can be connected to insulin resistance
• NAFLD can make you feel tired or unwell

As I said, I don’t know a whole lot, but what I do know explains a lot. From my googling I found a lot of the symptoms I experience are connected to NAFLD – a lot more than I thought. I always feel tired and drained which leads to moodiness and emotional breakdowns or outbursts. It leads to too many sick days at work and generally feeling guilty for cancelling or ditching plans because I don’t have the energy to do anything.

Like most things related to my health, it can be treated and “cured” with lifestyle changes and natural medicine rather than traditional medicine. I know that I need to see a nutritionist to get their opinion on diet changes and supplements that can be taken in order to manage my PCOS symptoms reverse the NAFLD.

I would love to be able to reverse NAFLD entirely as I think it would affect hormones, fertility, energy levels, and in general make me feel more spritely rather than tired all the time. I’ll be back after seeing a nutritionist – wish me luck!

It wasn’t until last year that I had my first blood test.

Until last year I had spend 20+ years avoiding dealing with my health until it got to the point that I had to finally go to the doctor. He ordered a blood test and a couple of things came up: I was severely deficient in B12 so I had 3 shots over 4 weeks that resulted in no change in energy (everyone told me I would feel super energetic) but I had a reaction resulting in a lot of intense cystic acne on my chest and lower back. He also said my liver levels were higher than normal which resembled non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), and we had to keep an eye on it.

Since going to the female doctor and getting an ultrasound on my ovaries, she also requested a blood test to check hormone and glucose levels in particular to confirm the PCOS diagnosis. This particular blood test takes 2.5 hours to complete and required 8 tubes of blood.

I decided to take a Monday off work and get the blood test first thing in the morning as I knew I would most likely feel sick afterwards and need to rest. Unfortunately my veins are quite hidden which makes it hard to get enough blood for blood test sometimes, but on my left arm there is one reliable one that is usually found, so all 8 vials of blood were taken from that vein over the period (I still have a bruise!).

My morning went as follows:

8:45am – 1st blood withdrawal: she takes 5 vials all from the one vein and is amazed she was able to get enough

9:00am – need to drink glucose drink: had to take sips of the drink that tastes like thick, stale lemonade

9:45am – 2nd blood withdrawal: start to feel a bit sick as I haven’t eaten in about 14 hours, she takes another 2 vials, again from the same vein. She asked how I was doing and when I said I felt a bit sick she said I can go and lie down on one of the beds in the room next door.

11:00am – 3rd and final blood withdrawal: still feeling super sick but she takes the final vial and then I’m free to go home!

I got really lucky with the lady taking the blood as she used to work at my doctor and had taken my blood before.

My female doctor called a few days later in bursts – every day or two I would get a new call from her saying “your testosterone levels are high as a result of the PCOS”, “you don’t have hepatitis”, “your B12 is low”, “your liver levels are concerning, I will leave a form for you to pick up to get an ultrasound”. I was so confused – it was one test so why did she make calls over several days?

I ended up contacting the pathology lab to get a copy of my test results – I had to pay $20 admin fee but I was able to get copies of my previous results from the last year as well so it was well worth it. When I had a look over it, it seemed like everything that was wrong (except hormone levels) were related to the liver which really concerned me as I wasn’t expecting that. My doctor had mentioned a year ago that the liver function levels were needing to be monitored as they were high, but I didn’t realise just how much it was affecting everything.

My pharmacist friend had a look over the results to provide some insight which was really helpful and she helped recommend me a B12 spray instead of the shots as I had a bad cystic acne reaction to them last year that I’m only just recovering from. I highly recommend having someone else cast their eyes over your results if you have someone in the medical field in your circle of friends or family as they know you, your lifestyle and your concerns and can help answer some questions you may have.

I ended up booking an appointment with the doctor to go over the results as the phone calls were throwing me off and I felt I wasn’t getting any real or useful information from them. I saw her a day or two later and asked a few questions – she recommended some lifestyle changes and gave referrals for the dietician and an exercise physiologist. She said she wouldn’t recommend going on the pill or doing anything else at this stage as the liver disease is completely reversible. I was really relieved to hear that as I didn’t want to go on the pill and suppress hormones for a few years until I decide I want to get pregnant and then come off it only to have them flare up again. I also really struggle to take tablets so I prefer medication that comes in other forms.

Overall though, I feel as though the doctor may not be the right fit for me and I may need to seek out a nutritionist as I feel they have a more holistic perspective that would help me understand what’s going on in my body a bit more and provide more support. Once I do that I will let you know how I go, but for now I need to focus on getting the liver ultrasound to see what’s going on in there, and I can take all the information to the nutritionist!

Who would’ve thought, just 27 days after going to see the nutritionist that I would have a real, normal, regular period!

The first signs of improvements was around 2 weeks after seeing her – I felt like I was ovulating. For most of that day my lower stomach area was experiencing a dull ache – very mild, but that night I experienced a sharper pain (again pretty mild and not unbearably painful) for 5-10 minutes. I had an intuitive feeling that I was ovulating due to the area of the pain, and the changes I had made to try and experience a normal cycle.

It wasn’t confirmed until another 12 days later when I started spotting, and 2 days after that experienced a real, normal period. This may be TMI for some people, but usually whenever I’ve experienced a spotting or some version of a period over the last decade the blood is quite brown and clotty, as if it is always old blood, and it’s not very heavy. But this time it was heavier and a more true red colour. There was still some brown intermixed with it but this is truly the first time I had seen red period blood in years.

Honestly I am in shock that it only took a couple of weeks of taking some supplements, incorporating teas and seed cycling into my diet, it’s incredible and I am over the moon to see results this soon as everyone tells you to wait about 3 months.

Switching lanes, I started listening to some PCOS based podcasts which is helping me learn a lot and also get more comfortable talking about periods and PCOS which has been a struggle in the past. The PCOS Girls Podcast is my favourite that I’ve found as it’s 2 Aussies that don’t shy away from any topic! It’s a pretty new podcast but they have been covering really great content so far and I’m excited to see them grow in the future. Episode 13 – What is your period telling you? was a favourite of mine and I learned a lot. It’s so interesting to hear other people’s experience as PCOS is so common, yet everyone experiences a different combination of symptoms and issues and there is no cure at this time, only lifestyle changes.

Although it’s frustrating that the research on PCOS is in it’s infant stage, I think it’s empowering to take control of your health and get answers and support from doctors and other medical professionals, and even more empowering when you get the results you were after.

I feel very grateful that I don’t experience intensely painful symptoms of PCOS and pray that all the women who do get answers, feel heard, and their pain can be reduced significantly as that must be so hard. I also feel for all the women who are experiencing infertility as a result of their PCOS. I pray that you

As far as goals moving forward, I am hoping that I can get my period to continue to be regular in the coming months, and also work on getting some of my hormone levels to be stabilised – particularly lowering testosterone and reducing excessive hair growth symptoms as that really affects my confidence and comfort in my own body.

I have got a referral for a blood test for a long list of PCOS related items that I found in The PCOS Journal that I bought earlier this month, so I will keep you updated on that! I am really excited to get the results tackle anything that comes back in the red zone.

Recently I caught up with some friends! It had been about 3 months since I’d seen them and I’m not going to lie, it felt so good to see them again. I found out that my friend Kara is pregnant which was super exciting – her and her husband are the Kids Pastors at our church and I know they will be amazing parents to their little one.

I was a little rusty with my camera and all of our energies weren’t in the best photoshoot mood, but we still managed to get a few cute photos.

Also sunny.designco on Instagram turned my photo of Kara into a new piece of art. So cool as that’s the first time that has happened with one of my photos! Please head over and give it a like.

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me @ target // inspo from @colourmekara

A post shared by Sunny Design Co (@sunny.designco) on Jul 10, 2020 at 7:36am PDT

Let’s play a game of Never Have I Ever.

Never did I ever think it would take me almost 2 years to make an update to this series. *Drink*

It’s so hard to believe I’ve put this off for so long, but I’m proud to say I have finally taken action at the ripe old age of 28 to see if I will get a confirmed diagnosis of PCOS.

The Pap Smear

I suppose it was going to the doctor about a month ago and being asked if I’ve booked in for my pap smear yet that started this whole journey. I’d been getting letters from the Australian Government letting me know I’m of age to get a pap smear for the last year but have ignored it. As I’ve never had any form of sex before, I have been told in the past I don’t need to get one, but other people say you should anyway to make sure everything is ok. The other week I finally booked in with the female doctor at the practice I went to for a pap smear. I expected it to go like this:

Instead it went like this:

“Are you having sex?”

“No.”

“But you have before?”

“No.”

“Then we don’t need to do pap smear.”

“OK.”  

After that awkwardness I managed to muster up enough courage to mention I think I have PCOS but it’s never been confirmed. After a few more questions, she said I need to get an ultrasound and a blood test, printed out some documents including a double-sided leaflet giving the bare bones basics of PCOS and sent me on my merry way. She did mention that I don’t need to worry about being able to get pregnant as most women with PCOS can have children with no issues at all.

The feelings after that appointment were so bizarre. I felt slightly judged and embarrassed because I didn’t need the pap smear, but empowered that I would finally know for sure if I have PCOS or not. I couldn’t help but question what she said about being able to have kids as so much research suggests PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility and so many women struggle to get pregnant as a result of it (although it is not impossible). The only reason why I decided to finally deal with this is because I’m approaching 30, I’m single, and I know I want to have biological children one day and wanted to make sure my fertility was ok.

The Ultrasound

I’ve never had an ultrasound, X-Ray, or any sort of body scan before. The closest I’ve got is an aura photo – which is a long way off. If you’ve never had one before either I’m going to do my best to describe it.

The room is darker than I expected and I had an awkward moment getting on the bed as the brakes weren’t on so it kept moving a bit, but she fixed it. They ask you to pull your pants down a bit, put a piece of paper into your underwear to cover up as much as possible without blocking access for the machine. They then add the cold ultrasound gel and put a lot of pressure on my bladder and various areas of my lower stomach in order to get the photos they needed.

The ultrasound itself was abdominal, although you can do a vaginal one. The technician recommended just doing the abdominal as I haven’t had a pap smear before and it would be uncomfortable to do the vaginal ultrasound.

The technician was professional and got slightly more friendly and warm as time went on. All in all it took about 15 minutes to do and she took a lot of photos. I asked her at one point what she thought of what she was seeing and she said the doctor will need to look at it.

I left there not really know what to expect as she gave me no indication at all of what she was seeing. I did have a bit of an inkling there would be some bad news as she was taking so many photos – I assumed they wouldn’t need so many photos if they didn’t see anything.

The Results

A few days after my ultrasound, my doctor called me and told me there were some cysts on my ovaries, but that I would have to go back in 6 weeks for another one to see if they go away on their own. She also said she needs my blood tests results before she can confirm if I have PCOS or not.

Honestly after the phone call I was a bit confused. I had no idea that cysts can come and go. I don’t foresee them going, and if they do they will be replaced with new ones. That’s kind of the nature of PCOS, right?

After the call I went to the toilet and cried for a bit. Although I knew that’s what the results would be, it still hurt to hear as I was hoping by some miracle there would be a different outcome. The whole week has been pretty rough since that call and I’ve been deep diving into egg freezing, PCOS facebook groups, how to manage symptoms, foods to avoid and exercises to do, vitamins and pills to take, books to read. It’s overwhelming and isolating. I would love to find a community locally to meet with and have some support. I really think no matter what you are going through, community is important.

One of the hardest parts is how no one really understands what I’m going through with this. So many of my friends are either mothers already or soon-to-be. People try to comfort me by trying to make me feel better, whilst inadvertently dismissing my feelings. My family don’t know what to say and my friends share their own struggles with fertility which make me feel bad for being upset about this when they have it worse and may never be able to have children at all.

As I started writing this post I was able to view the ultrasound photos and doctor’s report which laid it all out pretty simply.

The uterus is anteverted and is not enlarged. There are no fibroids identified. The endometrium measures 6mm in thickness.

The ovarian volumes are at the upper limits of normal. The right ovarian volume is estimated at 13.55cc and the left at 13cc. The right ovary contains multiple small follicles with the larges measuring 5mm in diameter. There is a left ovarian cyst measuring 3.2 x 1.5 x 1.5cm.

Left ovarian cyst measuring 3.2cm in diameter. Progress ultrasound in six weeks is recommended to assess whether this cysts resolves.

In the coming days I am going to have the blood test to test my hormone levels and a bunch of other things. A few days after that I will need to book in with the doctor again to get the results and I’m sure, to come up with a “lifestyle plan” to implement. I am a bit nervous about what will be recommended – I would really like to treat this naturally with lifestyle changes and not have to go on medication such as The Pill as I know the side effects to that can be detrimental for some people.

I promise my next update for this series won’t take another 2 years. Wish me luck!

Earlier this year my friend Amanda asked me to do a photoshoot with her! She’s a musician and was hoping to get some photos she could use for her album covers, flyers and marketing. Of course, I was happy to take photos of her!

Amanda brought a creative and confident energy to the photoshoot which I appreciated a lot. It was definitely a collaboration!

My favourite thing about shooting with Amanda was her modelling and her creativity. She was full of ideas and inspiration for the photoshoot and had several outfits prepared. Her friend Kate did her makeup and it was stunning in person.

Enjoy the photos!

Can’t wait to take more photos of Amanda in the future!

As I near the end of my life as a 27 year old, I wanted to capture my thoughts & feelings of this time. I honestly feel as though the last 6 years have flown by and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m aware time is an illusion, but it’s also something so essential to our lives. I love having markers of time that allow us to separate different seasons of our lives.

1. What is your greatest ambition? 

To fall in love and have 3 beautiful children who love life, are brave, courageous, smart, creative, kind and who love God. I don’t want them to live in fear or be too cautious like I am.

2. What is your greatest accomplishment? 

Raising myself and continuing to grow as an individual without a lot of help from others, while also trying to let people in and help me. My greatest accomplishment this year has been the deepening of my relationship with God and my knowledge of Him.

3. What is the greatest struggle in your life right now? 

My life is pretty easy compared to most, and I am pretty happy most days but I struggled with finding time for myself this year as I was very social.

4. What is your current goal? 

This time last year my goal was to find a partner to share my life with, but now it is to be healthier and fitter, buy a house and get a dog! I’ve built all of my 2020 goals around this main dream. I think it’ll come true in about 3 years so I need to work hard to save money for it. I was blessed to get an inheritance this year but I still need to work hard to make up the rest of the money needed.

5. What do you fear?

A lot less than I used to. I still fear snakes, needles, spiders like I used to, but I fear embarrassment and speaking to new people for the first time less than I used to. My biggest fear is still not being able to have children.

6. What do you eat regularly?

My diet has changed in the past few weeks as I am trying to eat healthier. This year I ate a lot of McDonalds and other takeaways, soft drink, and a lot of chicken based meals and a lot of sugar-heavy items. I have cut back on those recently and started drinking more water, eating more fruit + vegetables, soup and nuts.

7. What do you believe in spiritually?

I believe in the Holy Trinity – God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our past, present and future sin, to set us free from our ego and to show us a better way forward.

I also believe in reincarnation and past lives, karma, energy, auras, psychics, mediums.

You have to have discernment, wisdom and use good judgement as not everyone is authentic or has your best & highest good in mind.

The Devil (or concept of The Devil) is everywhere and is very deceptive so you need to be alert and make sure you don’t get led astray.

8. What do you do with your time?

I am quite busy these days. I go to work Mon-Fri, go to church, life group, see friends, create. I watch a lot of YouTube and spend a lot of time on social media like a lot of people but am trying to get better with that.

9. Which people in your life are the closest to you?

In past years I have felt very close to certain friends or family members, but I feel distance from them now. The people that I spend the most time with are the church community, however I am still not sure I feel the closest to them. I think I have learned that a healthy distance is imperative when it comes to relationships and there is such a thing as “too close”.

To answer the question I think everyone is at the same level of closeness now.

10. How do you feel about the opposite sex?

Oh gosh…….

Well, for the first time in a long time, I had a crush this year, and it drove me crazy! I know they say love is supposed to drive you nuts, but after stepping back from it recently, I realised that it’s not healthy to be consumed or overtaken with someone else. You need to keep a sense of independence and individuality and continue to pursue your passions and hobbies even when someone else has a lot of your time and attention. Desperation isn’t attractive and neither are unrequited feelings.

Men are also more sensitive, intelligent, helpful, kind and caring than I have been giving them credit for the last few years. They struggle with the exact same things we do, they just don’t usually have the support system to express their thoughts and feelings. I was able to spend time with more males than I have since high school this year and getting to know them has been a blessing.

11. What has been the biggest challenge this year? 

My health. I have always been very blessed health-wise but this year as Virgo was all over my astrological chart, I decided to tackle a few health things that I’d been ignoring for awhile. I got my first ever blood test and the results came back that I was very deficient in the B-12 vitamin and needed 3 shots (1 per week for 3 weeks) to get it to a normal level. In between the 2nd and 3rd shot I started breaking out in really bad acne on my face, which spread to my chest and lower back. My face felt like crocodile skin for 3 weeks but finally went down, as my chest got worse and spread to my lower back. I’ve been very lucky with acne over the years and have only had a few pimples every now and then, but usually my skin is very clear so it made me quite self conscious considering the ones on my chest were unable to be covered up by most clothing. They are still there but have gone down a lot.

I also got my period back early this year after almost a decade of not having a regular period. As I started to have romantic feelings for someone my cycle came back and thankfully hasn’t left since those feelings went away. I think being so closed off to men and relationships emotionally affected my cycle and once I opened that door again my hormones kind of fell back into how they should be.

Overall my mental health was good but I decided to start seeing a psychologist again to deal with some of my anxiety issues and to grow in areas that I have no experience in. It has been such a help and I’m so grateful to my psychologist who understands me. She recommended I do the Gallup StrengthsFinder test and my top five were Empathy, Connectedness, Futuristic, Relator & Discipline which described me perfectly.

In the last few weeks of being 27 I got a lot of back pain and tried seeing a chiropractor and an acupuncturist for the first time. I wasn’t a fan of the chiropractor but the acupuncturist was a very positive experience.

12. What is success to you? 

Success is living life, thriving; not just surviving. Making changes, seeking God, building a community of friends, family, and believers who will support you and keep you on your path. Self-growth. Improving health and habits and building generosity and wealth. Accepting where you are and finding joy in whichever season of life you are in. Cultivating a life you love. If that is how I define it, then I am successful.

13. What were your highlights this year? 

• Going to Sugar Republic
• Trip to Sydney & Melbourne and seeing LANY and The Lumineers while there
• Getting a new car
• My cousin moved in with me
• Weddings!! This was the first year any friends of mine got married
• Kids Church Christmas Party
• My Mum’s Birthday – my brother flew up from Melbourne and we surprised her at dinner which was pretty epic
• Work Christmas Party
• Church Christmas Production
• Photoshoot with my friends

I think that’s it for this edition of The Up Series. Click here for the 24 year old edition. I’ll see you next January when I’m 28!

In 2019 I got back into photography!

Specifically, digital photography. I had a few disappointments with shooting film this year – mostly because a roll came off the spool, the battery died in the camera and I didn’t know, and one of the backs on the camera opened that exposed the film. Recently I sent off 6 rolls to be developed and am not hopeful that they will come back with great photos but I will share when they are back.

I started taking photos for my church and it really made me get better at shooting manual on my digital camera and getting better at asking people if I can take photos of them. Fortunately a lot of my social circle loves having their photo taken and everyone wants good Instagram content these days.

Kara, Brittany, Phoebe and I decided to have a photoshoot in late December and it went amazingly! We went to Home of the Arts and the Gold Coast Regional Botanic Gardens and there were such a variety of locations and places to shoot at those two places. We want to have photoshoots regularly and be more creative with them as time goes by.

Hope you enjoy, I know I did!

Photos taken with Canon 60D and 50mm f1.8 lens.

Visiting my brother in Melbourne is one of my favourite things to do. We used to spend a lot of time together, almost every weekend and day after school we would hang out at home watching some tv series whether it was Friends, How I Met Your Mother or Charmed, and just bond and hang out. We were born 22 months apart and have always been close, both in age and as siblings. Tom is one of the only people who understands me on a cultural and intellectual level and I value him so much and am so grateful we got to the privilege of being brother & sister in this lifetime.

The one thing he hates is when I make him pose for photos, but I’m glad that he does it, even if it’s begrudgingly and to be honest he is glad too months later when I get the film developed! 

We didn’t get a lot of time to spend together on the trip as he was working, but we did get one day where we got to sleep in, go swimming in the pool, and walk around his town of Richmond. It’s still wild to me that he is almost 26 living on his own, working, studying, with a long term partner. He is so successful and I’m so proud of him for all he is doing and achieving for himself.

Until 2018 I thought my favourite 35mm film was Kodak Portra 400, but Portra 160 has definitely overtaken my love for Portra 400 and I think it’s because I live in a very sunny, well-lit country that doesn’t need a film with 400 ISO. Portra 400 also has a slightly yellow tone that disappears with Portra 160 which is more pink/neutral which tones down the bright yellow Australian sun. Portra 160 hits the sweet spot for me and the colours are more to my taste. I don’t think I’ll buy Portra 400 again anytime soon.

All photos taken on Canon AE-1 Program using Kodak Portra 400 and Kodak Portra 160 35mm film.

Last Christmas I went to Melbourne! We usually don’t travel at Christmastime but decided to so we could spend a couple of days in Melbourne with my brother. One of the things I really wanted to do whilst we were there was to visit the Melbourne Star Observation Wheel. In season 2 of the hit Australian tv show “Please Like Me” there is an episode that takes place almost entirely on the wheel and I loved the concept of it. I’ve always been someone that loves ferris wheels and was really excited to see Melbourne from a bird’s eye view.

A change in perspective every now and then is so important to understand that we are so consumed in our day to day lives, instead of on the big picture.

Shakespeare famously said, “All the world’s a stage and all  the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

I find that quote to be true. We are all here playing the roles God gave us, just trying to make it through the show as best we can. I love thinking about life in that way as it helps take the pressure off us a little bit.

Initially I was surprised and disappointed that a lot of the photos from this roll ended up as double exposures, but now I love it. I never usually shoot any roll of film with the intent to have double exposures as I like clean, crisp, clear photos that I can put in a photo album for my kids one day, but it’s always good to switch things up creatively every now and then, even if it was an accident.

All photos taken on Canon AE-1 Program using Kodak Portra 400 and Kodak Portra 160 35mm film.

Shawn Mendes first came to my attention back in early 2016. Somehow I missed the Vine phenomenon which is how he first blew up, but I found him as his sophomore album Illuminate was soaring through the charts and immediately fell in love with the album.

I decided to see him live in Melbourne and it was one of the best concerts I’ve been too (plus I was in the 3rd row so I had a great view)! He sounds just as good live as he does on the album despite his songs getting increasingly more difficult to sing as time goes by. For such a young guy he is so talented, personable, passionate and hardworking. 

His influences, namely John Mayer, Ed Sheeran and Justin Timberlake, definitely shine through on his self-titled album, Shawn Mendes, and he even collaborated with John Mayer and Ed Sheeran which must be a dream come true for a young artist.

I decided to get the light blue/teal colour vinyl known as “Cover III” and I am so glad I did. When the record finally arrived 8 months after the album was released and I got to see the colour in person, I screamed, “IT’S SO PRETTY” with glee. All the months of waiting and frustration was worth it in that moment when I saw the beautiful blue record. I don’t think I’d purchase through Merch Bar again as the wait time was insane, but the quality of the record is great and it was well worth the wait.

I think this record is one of my new favourites in my collection. I already loved listening to Shawn’s previous album “Illuminate” on clear vinyl but I think this will be one that gets a spin quite often because it is so physically beautiful, plus the music is good!

Onwards with the listening & review….

Track 1: In My Blood ★★★★☆

As everyone knows, In My Blood was the first single off the album, and it EXPLODED. It was essentially number 1 in every country in the world when it was released, and I can see why. The song is so personal and shares a lot more about what Shawn goes through sometimes. He isn’t trying to be a cookie cutter heartthrob and just portray what is expected of him. The sound is quite different than Shawn’s previous albums, but also feels like an organic development for him. A great album opener.

Track 2: Nervous ★★★☆☆

Nervous is a super cute and genuine song, however it is one of the least mature songs on the album and feels reminiscent of high school crushes. I think it’s a strange choice for the song following In My Blood which is so deep and heavy, but maybe it was a conscious choice to lighten the mood and to balance the tone of the album.

Track 3: Lost In Japan ★★★★☆

Lost In Japan is a jam but it’s also very much a song that an artist would write on the road, and is one not very many of his fans could relate to. The music in the pre-verse gives it a European quality, almost like he’s in France super far away from the person who he can’t get off his mind.

Track 4: Where Were You in the Morning? ★★★★☆

I’ve got to say, I absolutely love the way Shawn sings this song & I don’t think many other artists would sing it the same way. The instrumentals provide a heartbeat in the background whilst Shawn’s vocals remain prominent throughout.

Track 5: Like To Be You feat. Julia Michaels ★★★★★

As the only collaboration on the album, I think it is perfect, and perfectly done. John Mayer produced the track and I think the simplicity in the repetitive music allows the vocals to shine, and the guitar solo provides that little bit of rest in the song and allows it to build. Julia’s voice is so emotive and I love than Shawn’s voice is present but also allows her voice to shine more than his in certain parts, it is a true collaboration

Track 6: Fallin’ All In You ★★★★☆

When I found out Ed Sheeran was a co-write on this song, everything made perfect sense. I think this is something Shawn has to be careful with when collaborating with artists who are so big, and do write similar music to him. Ed has a very distinct style that is recognisable, even by people who don’t follow artists (look at Love Yourself by Justin Bieber which Ed wrote- there were people who thought it was Ed singing at first). Overall, the song is lovely but it does have a different vibe than the rest of the album and doesn’t quite sound like a Shawn Mendes song, at least not the 2018 Shawn Mendes that uses more electrical guitar than acoustic. Due to Ed Sheeran’s phrasing Shawn has to sing the song in a certain way that

Track 7: Particular Taste ★★★☆☆

Particular Taste is one of those songs that grow on you over time, or that don’t particularly (no pun intended) stand out at first, but it does have a funky beat that gets stuck in your head. For some reason all the songs about girls seem new and like he’s getting to know people, instead of being long-term, intimate relationships. They’re quite immature feelings in a way, being obsessed, playing games, acting like you don’t care about someone. It’s very much what teenagers and young adults are going through which is nice, as Shawn’s relationships and sexuality develops it is reflected in his lyrics.

Track 8: Why ★★★☆☆

This song reminds me a little of Only Angel by Harry Styles in the beginning 20 seconds or so, but then they take very, very different turns. I love the chill vibe of Why and I can picture a young girl listening to this song in her room on a Friday night if she needs a chill weekend. I’d love to see a contemporary dance routine to this song, it would be great to act out as there are so many emotions and specific actions you could do.

Track 9: Because I Had You ★★★★☆

A collaboration with Teddy Gieger and Ryan Tedder, this song is a winner for me. In a lot of ways it reminds me of songs like “Honest” and “Patience” from Illuminate (also some of my favourite songs) where Shawn isn’t afraid to be the bad guy in the story, which is ironic considering his reputation of being the perfect Canadian gentleman. It’s hard to describe why I like it so much, but it does have that “easy listening” quality that I love. Plus the falsetto in the background is pretty nice.

Track 10: Queen ★★★★★

There are a few female celebrities that come to mind every single time I hear this song, and I’m dying to know who it was actually written about. Following the theme of this album, Queen very much touches on celebrity and fame, and the shallowness of it within the exclusive community of celebrity.

Track 11: Youth feat. Khalid ★★★★☆

Inspired by current events, Youth takes on the millennial perspective of the state of the world. Rebelling against politics has become a large part of youth culture and the youth are standing in their power to have their voice heard – we won’t accept racism or sexist commentary anymore, we won’t accept homophobia, we won’t accept capitalism ruining the environment. It’s impossible not to be plugged into these things. Youth captures all of those important social and cultural changes that the young generations are bringing to the table.

Track 12: Mutual ★★★☆☆

Yet another confused millennial “love” song. With the amount that we communicate online these days, I think we are all more confused than ever and have no idea what anyone is thinking or feeling. Almost every young person who is dating gives half of themselves to of someone, and the other half is looking for someone else, someone better. It’s more prominent than ever and it’s interesting to have a song that completely represents millennial relationship dynamics.

Track 13: Perfectly Wrong ★★★☆☆

By the time you get to track 13, you have a pretty real sense of who Shawn is in relationships. For me, I think he chooses the wrong girls every single time, either he isn’t feeling it or the girl is cold & standoffish. I love getting to know this much of an artist through an album, even if I personally don’t relate to much of the content. As a teenager I had to relate to songs to love them (therefore I only listened to pop-punk bands!), but Shawn is so good that isn’t necessary.

Track 14: When You’re Ready ★★★★☆

I’ve got to admit, When You’re Ready isn’t a song I hear a lot off the album but it has grown on me a lot. One of my favourite Shawn songs ever was Understand, the closing song on Illuminate. Understand is one of the best songs I’ve ever heard and the perfect closer for his previous album. I’ve noticed most of Shawn’s music tends to be ‘in the moment’ or set within a short time frame, but his closing songs tend to be ‘bigger picture’ with reference to the future (eg. even ten years from now) which is great as it sets us up for the next album. I’m glad the theme continued into When You’re Ready.

Overall thoughts:

Shawn is a lovely person who is determined to grow as a writer, musician and human which shines through. With each album he grows so much and his songs become more complex. His musical style has evolved from pop, to pop-rock, to incorporating more RNB on his third album. As much as I love this album, Illuminate is still my favourite as the concepts are more relatable and the pop-rock sound is what I am most drawn to.

I can’t wait to see what he releases next.

2018 was a year of growth and freedom.

2018 Highlights:

• Feb 20: Robbie Williams live in Brisbane
• March 23: LANY live in Brisbane
• April 18-21: Holiday in Mooloolaba
• April 28: Harry Styles live in Brisbane
• June 22: Moved house
• September 1: Saw the sun rise in Byron Bay
• December 6: Work Christmas Party and Shania Twain live in Brisbane
• December 24: Went on the Melbourne Star Observation Wheel

Made using the 1SE iPhone app and Chromic for colour grading.

For a while now I’ve been watching YouTube channels and reading blogs that are either very daring with the topics they discuss, or are becoming more open about talking about female health. My experience has been quite sheltered as my friends and I rarely discuss these things, which is definitely a cultural issue. I was mostly inspired by Hannah Witton’s new series The Hormone Diaries to share my own story.

Honestly I’m a bit nervous about writing this for some reason. It would be so easy for people to criticise me for letting things go this long without doing anything, and honestly I just don’t have many people in my life who openly talk about things like periods or sex so it is relatively new to me.

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a doctor, nor have I seen one in regards to anything I’m going to talk about in this post so everything is just based on my personal experience over the last 15 or so years.

I’m hoping that writing about this and hopefully having more open discussions with people both online in real life will help me overcome some fears and blocks I have about these issues. If talking about female health isn’t your thing, feel free to skip this post and enjoy the rest of your day.

My First Period

Like every girl, I remember the day I first got my period. Luckily for me, it was a Sunday and I was at home. I had been playing in the morning with my brother while my mum was with her friends outside having lunch, I went to the toilet and noticed blood on my underwear. I was immediately scared and horrified, took them off and called my mum into my room. I shut the door and basically shoved them at her and I froze – I didn’t say a word. My mum was pretty good about it and showed me what to do with a pad and we basically continued the day as normal. There was something different about mum though – I was angry that I could tell she had told her friends that were over as to me it was a really embarrassing and personal thing that I felt should remain private. Later that afternoon we had to pick my brother up from rehearsals for a school production and I remember talking with my group of friends while we waited and just thinking to myself, “Do they have their periods? Am I a woman now? I want to tell them. Can I tell them?” I didn’t end up saying anything and never heard about periods again until over a year later while sitting on a basketball court with a large group of girls and the subject was brought up. I just listened to what everyone else was saying and didn’t contribute at all.

My most embarrassing period story was in grade 6 – it must have been two months or so after I got my first period, and I got up to go to little lunch with the rest of the class when I noticed blood on the seat. I tried wiping it off with a tissue but it just smeared around a bit. I waited behind until the teacher left and then swapped my chair with Laura Scott’s. She was the popular, pretty girl and her chair just happened to be one of the closest to mine. After I successfully swapped the chairs around, I went to lunch with the rest of the kids, went to the toilet to put some toilet paper in my underwear, and then carried on the day.

In high school my friends and I rarely spoke about periods. It just wasn’t a place that we went to in our conversations the vast majority of the time. Periods are something that we often deal with alone and try to sweep under the rug because society tells us that it’s not okay to talk about it, despite the vast majority of women going through it every month for half their life. I’ve been fortunate that the years of my life when I have experienced a normal cycle, I never had any pain or cramps – the only pain was the fact that I had a period at all and had to deal with it. I remember barely getting my period during high school and when I did I was really self-conscious about it, although I was self-conscious about everything at the time.

When Everything Changed

My first year of university was when I noticed my body start to change. My cycles were extremely irregular and had been for a few years, then one day on the bus I noticed the hairs on my arm were really long and dark. I was so embarrassed and just wanted to get rid of it so I started shaving it, which I still do now (I’m planning on getting laser hair removal at some point). Not long after that I noticed that I had started growing dark hairs both on and underneath my chin. I got really self conscious about it and again, started shaving every day to get rid of it. It grows so fast that by the time I get home from work I need to shave it again.

It’s really weird and personal to be writing about these things when I’m still going through them. I don’t have the answers and I don’t have the cure. I haven’t even been officially diagnosed. I’m hoping that by sharing my story I will gain enough courage and support to go and see a doctor so I can finally get this issue out of control and pay attention to it. It’s like my body has been shouting at me for 5 years and I am only now starting to listen. On a smaller level, I experience many mood swings despite not experiencing a period, and I definitely experience a cycle due to other signs that I’ve noticed (moods, smells, etc), but I just don’t menstruate.

I’m not sure when my next update will be but I want to keep you in the loop along this journey towards health and fertility. It’s scary because I don’t know what the future holds. Will I be on medication? Will the hair removal work? I’m not sure, but I know that I am determined to get these things under control and that I really want to make sure that I am in the best health possible so that I can definitely have babies and hopefully reverse my PCOS symptoms.

This little disposable camera was with me for a year and a half (January 2017 – August 2018! Seeing my friends and cousin’s babies grow in just one roll of film is amazing and a true blessing. These are the kinds of photos and memories I want to look back on when I’m 70 years old.

I busted this roll out of the disposable camera myself to avoid excess shipping costs which is why I think there were the leaks on the photos. I don’t mind; it just adds character to the photos.

This disposable diary series has been a joy. I bought a 10 pack of disposable cameras back in 2016 and have been slowly getting through them. I’m not sure if this series will continue once they’re all done (there’s about 3 left to finish!) due to all the wasteful plastic, but it is an absolutely joy to truly just point and shoot.

View more from the Disposable Diary series here.

If you were lurking around the blogsphere in 2011 or so, you would’ve seen the 101 in 1001 Challenge, otherwise known as the Day Zero Project.

The challenge is essentially a bucket list that you have just over two and half years to achieve the goals in. Of course, it’s unlikely anyone can accomplish all of their goals in such a short time period, but it is very motivating to have something to work on consistently for a couple of years.

It gives you focus, and allows your goals to fluctuate as you grow. Last time I did this I realised there are more important things I would rather achieve that some of the goals on the list, and accepted that it’s ok to not complete it. Of course someone more disciplined and determined than me would make it their mission to complete every single goal and that’s fine too.

The rules are simple (borrowed from Day Zero website):

1. Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
2. Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

Onwards with my list…

HEALTH & ENVIRONMENT

1. Run a 5k
2. Replace fizzy drinks with fruit infused water
3. Donate blood
4. Go a month bringing home cooked meals to work for lunch
5. Complete a 30 day Yoga Challenge
6. Go to the dentist
7. Get to a dress size 14
8. Go a month without fast food
9. Switch to a reusable bottle permanently and stop buying plastic bottles of water
10. Try eating something I would never usually eat
11. Go a month without buying anything in plastic
12. Implement a daily yoga practice and stick to it
13. Get laser hair removal
14. Find out if I have PCOS
15. Hike Mount Warning
16. Wake up an hour earlier every day and walk along the beach

SPIRITUALITY

17. Do psychic readings for the general public professionally for at least 6 months
18. Learn to use crystals for their ~magical powers~ and not just the prettiness
19. Join a group meditation
20. Get an aura photo with primarily green
21. Experience a Reiki Healing
22. Try Past Life Regression Therapy
23. Read the Bible
24. Implement a daily meditating practice
25. Find a Church or Spiritual Community whose values align with mine

TRAVEL & EVENTS

26. Renew my passport
27. See the snow
28. Go to Crystal Creek Rainforest Retreat for a long weekend
29. Take a road trip down the coast of Australia
30. Visit a strawberry farm
31. See the Northern Lights
32. Attend a local art or photography show
33. Go to a “creative collective”
34. Go to a One Tree Hill convention in Wilmington or Paris
35. Have a spa weekend at Tamborine Mountain
36. Go on a ferris wheel
37. Go on a flying fox
38. Go to a drive in movie
39. Go to a New Year’s Eve party or event
40. Visit the Greek Islands
41. Visit Perth
42. Visit a museum
43. Stay in a cabin in New Zealand in winter for a week
44. Take a dance class
45. Visit Europe
46. Experience a White Christmas
47. Take a photography class
48. Go to a house party

FINANCES & CAREER

49. Pay off all my credit card debt
50. Earn a salary of $65,000+ per year
51. Deposit $50 into a savings account for each item completed on this list
52. Officially register a business
53. Create a budget that works for me and stick to it
54. Buy a new car
55. Add alt tags to every photo I’ve uploaded on WordPress for my businesses
56. Sell Dad’s old sports memorabilia
57. Take a course on financial/business management

FRIENDS & FAMILY

58. Have friends over and chat around the fire pit
59. Give a “just because” gift
60. Send a handwritten letter once a week for a month
61. Spend a long weekend camping with friends

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

62. Find out if that guy likes me or not after 8 years of wondering
63. Have a first date
64. Have “one of those nights”
65. Go to a LGBT positive club
66. Have really loud sex to get back at my neighbours
67. Have more honest conversations about sexuality with people
68. Have an honest conversation with my childhood boyfriend
69. Meet the love of my life
70. Say “I Love You” to someone and mean it

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT & HOBBIES

71. Finish my “Erin Files” books
72. Buy a pair of high heels (or fancier shoes than my regular old brown boots) and learn to wear them
73. Take a 35mm film photo every day for a month
74. Be a podcast guest
75. Start making regular sit down YouTube videos
76. Write a mini series
77. Complete a TAFE or University course
78. Pay for a stranger’s meal
79. Get dad’s astrology chart done
80. Get drunk once
81. Study Graphic Design
82. Learn to ride a bike
83. Write and record a song
84. Sell designs on RedBubble again
85. Finish scanning all the 35mm film from my childhood
86. Experience a hangover
87. Sell my Canon 60D and shoot mostly film
88. Make photo albums for each year

JUST FOR FUN

89. Read the Bridget Jones series
90. Make a wooden dining table from scratch
91. Learn to use a circular saw
92. Make a time capsule
93. Scan all my instant photos
94. Get a new tattoo
95. Take a live drawing class
96. Learn to french braid
97. See the sky through a telescope
98. Hold a newborn baby
99. Plant and grow a lemon tree
100. Learn how to garden 
101. Use all the remaining candle making supplies I have

Ends: Tuesday 20 April 2021 (my parent’s 30 year wedding anniversary)

“Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.” – Greg Anderson

Hi Daddy,

It’s been 16 years since the day you died. I remember that day so clearly – running around the school at lunch time, feeling like it was the longest lunch break of all time, and then someone told me mum was at the office with Tom looking for me. I rushed over there and they said you were in hospital and we had to leave right now. That moment is so clear in my mind, but what happened after has always been a bit of a blur and I’ve had to fill in the gaps. I don’t remember if I actually did hold your hand and say goodbye, or if I made it up in my head. I really wish I could remember.

When everything came crashing down 16 years ago today, I thought I would never be happy again. I was confused, devastated, and completely at a loss about how I was going to continue on. You were gone, so I wanted to be too – I just wanted to be wherever you were. I contemplated doing something drastic to end the misery so I could be reunited with you again, but you helped me stay here and get through each and every day, as monotonous and miserable as they were.

I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for my childhood and the family I was blessed with. You and mum together created the most perfect childhood I could’ve ever imagined. It was filled with activities, love, and innocence. I felt safe and protected at all times and was truly happy. I also want to thank you for the angels I saw on the day of your funeral, and for the ones wearing party hats I saw on my birthday the following year. Thank you for the financial security you gifted us when you passed. I know you would never have made us struggle in that department, and we never had to worry about that aspect of survival. Thank you for watching over us every single day from where you are now. Thank you for your genetics – although I am not overly happy with my body, we’ve never had any major health issues yet (touch wood). Thank you for the strength of mind and intelligence you have passed onto me. Thank you for never limiting me because I was a girl. Thank you for understanding me. You were truly my best friend. I never really had anybody else when I was younger – I never connected with anyone else or felt understood like the way you got me.

Talking to mum about you makes me realise just how alike we are. We have a similar appearance, we both love the comforts of home and lived at home for a long time after what is socially acceptable. We’re both incredibly stubborn and know what we want. The most defining similarity is that we both lost our dad’s when we were eight years old. One of my biggest fears is that horrible cycle continuing when I have kids. I don’t want my kids to lose their father. I hope that I have done enough growth and soul searching over the years to have broken that curse that seems to be running through our family. I have really tried my best over the last few years to understand why it happened, and to try and take something positive from it. Now I think that you had to do it to me, to understand why your dad did it to you.

Mum told me a few months ago about how one Father’s Day she was struggling to pick out a present for her dad, and you said that you wish you had that problem. I now experience the same thing, and I am positive one of your fears was your children growing up without their father, like you did. Luckily you and I both have incredibly strong mothers who were capable of raising wonderful children all on their own, but it definitely wasn’t easy for any of us.

Back in January a psychic told me that I would meet a man who would become my husband, who has a three-year-old daughter who lost her mother due to cancer. At first I thought I didn’t want that to be my future, but now I really do. If that situation became my reality, I would understand and all three of us would have experienced the same thing, but from a different point of view. I never wanted to be a stepparent. I thought that was the worst thing you can be – stepping into an already broken, torn apart family and trying to fit in. But I truly feel that situation would be something where I could mend it, as well as bring love and understanding to a delicate family dynamic, which is something I never had once you were gone.

Sometimes it hurts like it was yesterday, and other times it does feel like you’ve been gone a long time. At my age now – 24 – you were only around for one-third of my life, but you had an impact that will last a lifetime. It’s so strange to think you would be 53 now. You are forever immortalised in our minds at 38, or maybe even younger as I mostly think of who you were and what you looked like before the accident. Everything about that accident was fate and I know that. Fate can be cruel, but I know it exists to teach us lessons. The lessons I have learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life are all about love and loss. It’s hard to be graceful when we react to death, but I try to be graceful now. I’ve realised that keeping your memory alive through my anger about your death was the wrong way to live, and that if I just realised that you body may have died, but your spirit didn’t, that everything would be better. You are still very much alive in our hearts, in our minds, and on the other side.

I don’t need to ask you if you’re proud of me, or if you’re ever around, or if you’re okay, because I know that you are. You are now free of the body you had for the last year of your life which is an absolute blessing. I have no doubts that you would have stayed if you never had the accident – you would’ve never chosen to leave us. I wish I could hear what you try to communicate to me, because I get frustrated. Sometimes I can feel you, or sense you, or I’m talking to you and I just wish I could hear what you’re saying in return. But I don’t doubt that you are listening and talking back.

I will love you forever, and miss you until the day we are reunited, which I hope is in about 64 years time.

P.S. I’m sorry for how scrambled this letter was. It would have been 10,000 words if it wasn’t scrambled.

2017 was a year of change, growth, growing up & moving on.

Highlights:

• Moving out of home for the first time
• Getting my first car
• Getting my Provisional Driver’s License
• The journey of friendships – losing, gaining, and reconnecting
• The aura photos
• Visiting family
• Joining the gym
• Good music
• The adventures with my farm boots crew <3
• The many, many concerts!

This year I stumbled across The Up Series. It is a series of documentaries where they asked fourteen people from around various areas in the UK questions about their lives every seven years. I thought it would be an interesting thing for me to do, although I would like to do this series every year, instead of every seven years. I’m very into documenting my life and would love to see how my attitude and life circumstances change from year to year. I’m hoping next year that I will be able to create my own video documentary for this project but for now my One Second Every Day videos will have to do.

1. What is your greatest ambition? 
My greatest ambition is to be a mother. I don’t see this answer ever changing. Ever since I was a little girl I have been infatuated with children, and have always pictured myself having kids. I’ve been pretty consistent with my vision of the future for the last couple of years. I used to want a girl and a boy – just like what my mum had so my kids would have the same dynamic and my brother and I. My vision now involves twin boys and a little girl – I have all of their names planned out and don’t share them with anyone except my mum and brother because I fear someone else will have a baby before me and use one of the names. I want my little girl to be called Hope, which I have tattooed on my left wrist, but the boys named remain a secret for now.

2. What is your greatest accomplishment? 
My greatest accomplishment to date is overcoming my depression. I first became depressed after my dad died in 2000 when I was 8 years old, and it took until the end of 2014 when I realised that the year and a half I had spent in therapy had actually worked. It cured me and I was confused about who I was when I was no longer depressed. The world opened up to me, or rather I opened up to the world. Overcoming depression allowed me to be a more confident, talkative, open, and honest person. I was able to let go of a lot of fear and shame that has been holding me back ever since he died.

3. What is the greatest struggle in your life right now? 
My greatest struggle right now is realising that I have a lot more power than I utilise. I’m scared to achieve, I’m scared to be great. I’m scared to have everything I’ve ever wanted, because I worry that it might not be enough and it won’t bring me the happiness I’ve always thought it would.

4. What is your current goal? 
I have two goals right now. One is to drive more so I can get my hours up so I can be a P Plater. The other is to lose weight. I really have nothing standing in my way anymore, except for my bad habits. My eating and exercise habits really need to change so my health can change for the better.

5. What do you fear?
This is something I rarely talk about because the idea of it is so painful, but the thing I fear most is infertility. Like I’ve mentioned all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mum and my biggest fear is that I won’t be able to be one. I know that I will be one no matter what, whether it means I have to consider surrogacy or adoption, but I want to experience carrying a child and giving birth to my own flesh and blood.

6. What do you think of love & what/who do you love?
Love is a concept. I’ve not experienced love and I’ve not felt loved before. I fear that I will never know how to be in a romantic relationship because I am so stunted in this area. Love requires compromise and sacrifice, and I’m not sure I’m willing to do those things. I think most people don’t know what love is, which is why life is so messy.

I love my cameras, vinyl records and tarot & oracle card collection. I love the vision of the future that lives in my head.

7. What do you believe in spiritually?
Honestly whenever somebody asks this I refer them to the television show Charmed. Everything that television show showcases, I believe in. My spiritual practice currently involves a lot of tarot and oracle cards as well as a lot of talking to my Dad, spirit guides and the Angels. I have also recently gotten into guided meditations, though I am not great at switching off yet.

Apart from that I believe in feminism, LGBTQ+ rights, and I believe that the world has a lot of work to do to improve things.

8. What do you do with your time?
Right now I am coming out of a period of nearly 7 months of unemployment. Well, I had a part time job but I worked from home so I have been very introverted and physically, emotionally and mentally inactive. I have spent a lot of time browsing the internet over this period of time and working on my spirituality. I’m hoping that this time next year I spend much less time online and am a more physically active person with some more friends. We’ll see…

9. Which people in your life are the closest to you?
My mum and Tom (my brother), and my friends Janice and Sarah. I have other people I talk to and am friends with, but these are the people I speak to nearly every day. Even so, I don’t have the level of closeness I desire with any of those people. I crave depth of connection so strongly that even my closest friends and family members don’t even come close to satisfying that desire.

10. How do you feel about the opposite sex?
I’ve been infatuated with boys ever since I can remember. It started with platonic love for my dad, brother and grandfather, then I moved on to having romantic interests in boys in primary school.

These days the opposite sex scares me, and I’m not sure I know why. Maybe it’s because of the content I see online – there are scary stories and terrifying things that you see, hear and read on a daily basis, and there’s always something that a male can say that will offend me as a woman. It might not make a lot of people happy to read this as us millennials are supposed to be all about ~equality~, but I do think females are the superior sex.

11. What is success to you? 
Living the life you needed to and learning mistakes. Being at peace with how things panned out when you’re on your deathbed. I wouldn’t be happy with my life if I never had kids or experienced being in love, so if I am able to experience those things that would mean my life was a success.

This was written half way through 2016 to give a more accurate view of what things were like at 24. I turn 25 in a few weeks so I will see you in a year. Please let me know if you do anything like this, I think it would be fun to see how we all change from year to year.

As you may know in November I went to Tangalooma Island! It’s only a two hour journey from where I live which made it the perfect island getaway for a couple of days. The only cameras I took were a Fujifilm disposable camera and my Instax Wide 300. I used up all the pictures on the disposable camera and was really happy with how they turned out.

Since I posted a couple of pictures on Instagram the other day quite a few people have asked me what filter I used – I used absolutely no filters and didn’t edit the photos at all. They turned out wonderfully because they were taken on film and film does all of the editing for you. Disposable cameras really are the perfect thing to take on holiday with you – I highly recommend it for your next trip.

View more from the Disposable Diary series here.

As little girls we dream about our future. Our future partner in particular. Recently I’ve been told that I should write a list of all the things that I want in a romantic partner, so here it is.

See more posts from The Typewriter Sessions here.

I first started shooting this roll in January and didn’t finish until mid-November. It features Sydney, Crystal Castle, and some babies (the more babies the better in my opinion).

Tom – my one and only brother. Happens to be my favourite.

Sydney

Sydney

Zakk. 3 months.

At the airport after spending the day in Sydney training for my new job. May 2016.

I was home alone and Sarah couldn’t get home because of a storm so she came over and we built a fort and watched Friends for hours. Sometimes the unplanned days are the best days.

Lilly

Soren. 1.5 years old.

I bought myself red roses. Not going to wait around for a guy to buy me them someday.

The view from our balcony. This always ends up being my standard final shot to finish a roll.

I love not knowing what I’ve taken a photo of, getting it back and being pleasantly surprised. Something I learned over the course of the year is to use the flash with disposables if it’s not a well lit shot.

All photos taken with my Kodak Fun 400 ISO disposable camera.

View more from the Disposable Diary series here.

Having disposable cameras at parties is one of the best things you can do. It’s super fun and everyone looks awful in photos – what isn’t to like? No matter how great or terrible we look, you can’t deny that the photos are natural and that they capture the moment.

All photos were taken on Fujifilm ISO 400 disposable cameras.

View more from the Disposable Diary series here.

On Saturday night I hosted a Christmas party with my high school friends.

It was so good to catch up with everyone in person as it’s been over a year since this group got together. I absolutely love hosting. Getting to create an atmosphere that will make for the most joyous and enjoyable experience for everyone at the event is really satisfying and fun for me.

As most of you know, these days it can be hard to truly connect with people on a human level. I often say that we are turning into robots – constantly relying on our phones, computers and self serve checkouts at the grocery store. It seems like basic human connection is not enough and we need to constantly be connected to the world at the same time, but this night proved me wrong. People still want human connection and friendships. We still want to laugh around the dinner table while taking pictures wearing silly glasses and hats. We want to create genuine memories and have honest conversations about life.  It’s a shame that this group doesn’t come together more often. I’m going to try to change that next year.

All photos were taken with either the Fujifilm Instax Wide 300, or the Lomo’Instant Wide. The Lomo’Instant Wide was perfect for this event thanks to the remote/self timer.

We need to live more.

These words that have been circling my head for the last few months, and honestly, I’ve been trying to do it, hence why I have been pretty inactive on this blog. I’ve done my best to leave fear behind and have been out in the world trying to find the things that fuel me and make me happy, whilst trying to achieve some of the goals I have that have always been a bit more difficult for me to accomplish. In doing that, I have become extremely drained and desperate to travel. Tangalooma Island is only 2 hours from where I live which was perfect as we were only able to go for a couple of days.

The first 2 days of the trip were great – exactly what we needed, but on day three is where things kind of turned for the worst. We went Quad Bike Riding and I accidentally went into a wall that has left a huge, nasty bruise on my thigh. Janice got a bruised foot from doing something that she doesn’t even remember. Then I had my first and only panic attack on Day 3 after I got off the Banana Boat. We managed to end the day with a lovely dinner at Tangalooma’s Fire & Stone restaurant which made up for the kind of crappy day we had.

We found out Donald Trump was elected President on the boat ride home on Day 4, which was the worst possible end to the holiday. I think his Presidency will stir up even more passion and fight in those of us who believe in a globalised world where every type of person is accepted. People have fought for generations to get to where we are and we aren’t going to stop or give up now. Everyone woke up feeling divided today, but I think over the next four years we will unite and come to understand that we can’t keep living the way we have been. We can’t keep on living out of hatred and fear. Love really is the only answer to all of this and I think it’s up to those of us who still believe in love to be the ones to make the change, and do their best to change the world for future generations, as those who came before us did for us.

There’s not a lot I can say to introduce this…

See more posts from The Typewriter Sessions here.

It took me quite a few months to finish this roll of film. I believe I started in early December and finished in February. Then it took me another 4 months to get the film developed. Sometimes that is the beauty of film – capturing something that is fleeting, forgetting about it, and then rediscovering it months later.

These photos were taken on a Fujifilm 400 ISO disposable camera.

View more from the Disposable Diary series here.

I finally got the film developed from a disposable camera I purchased in Sydney! I was so excited to get it back, and I still have another 2 cameras that I used in Sydney to get developed. I can’t wait to see the other photos.

Monia and I at bowling before The 1975

We played as Harry Styles and Zayn Malik

The 1975 at the Hordern Pavilion

Went to Luna Park with Dianna – it was really fun but I’ve got to say, Luna Park is not what it was back in the day haha.

Fortune Telling. He told me someone was jealous of me.

This must have been just after I cut my hair. My hair now is pretty long again but I really like the way it looks here.

Failed mirror selfie

Timezone with Janice

My brother aka my favourite person on the planet

Having dinner before Little Mix

Brisbane Convention and Exhibition Centre

Waiting for Little Mix

My favourite old boots. The insides and outsides are ruined but I will wear them until the day they completely fall apart.

Empty train

All photos were taken on a Kodak Disposable camera.

View more from the Disposable Diary series here.

Sometimes just three or four hours can repair something that had fallen apart over three to four months. Earlier this year I went down to the creek with my friends – Janice and Brittany wanted to go stand up paddle boarding, Sarah and I were happy to just chill out in the water.

Lots of little things had added up to a friendship falling out and this day was the first time seeing each other since hashing it all out. It was a nice Sunday – we swam for a bit and then got fish and chips for lunch. I hope to have more days like this in the summer.

All photos were taken on a Kodak Underwater camera with Kodak Color 400 35mm film.

View more from the Disposable Diary series here.