Have any of you noticed that the hot topic of the moment is “being single“? Even though I have been cutting back on social media lately I still have been bombarded by videos and blog posts on it and I thought that as an expert on the topic myself that I should share what being single has been like for me for the last (nearly) 25 years.

I have never had a boyfriend. In a way I wish I had experienced a high school or university relationship but those times in my life were very tough and I think it may have made me even more fragile at the time.

Why am I single?

• Up until the age of 21 or so I was too shy and lacked enough confidence to ever tell anyone I liked them.
• I have self sabotaged by setting up my friends with the guys I’ve liked, just so were are around me but didn’t have the “misfortune of dating me”.
• I have a protective bubble – like a force field – that knocks back people from metres away. I’m working on eliminating this bubble but it takes time.
• I’ve not met a guy in years that I have been attracted to. It’s made me question my sexual orientation and I’m probably somewhere on the bisexual scale but when I picture my future I picture myself with a husband.

What are the benefits of being single?

• You get a whole bed to yourself.
• You don’t have to work around anyone else’s routine; you can do what you want when you want.
• There’s no need to compromise when you’re single. It’s the time in your life where you truly get to live the way you want to live.
• You have a lot of time to pursue the things you’re passionate about.
• You can work a lot and start to make a lot of money. I have two jobs which keeps me pretty busy and I love having the extra money at the beginning of the month.
• There’s no relationship drama. The amount of my friends with boyfriends that tell me all about the drama they experience with their partner makes me grateful that I am not dating them.
• You learn what you need from a partner. I think this is such an important one. If more people were single in their late teens/early twenties I think there would be a higher success rate for long term relationships and people would be happier in their relationships. I know that anyone I am going to date needs to have similar values to me as those are my foundation. Similar interests would be great also as my hobbies and interests take up so much of my time.

Do I want a boyfriend?
Well of course. But in a way I wish I was already coupled up so my lifestyle didn’t have to change too much and we could just sit on the lounge watching tv and movies.

Am I happy being single?
I think so. Being single has really helped me get to know myself and overcome a lot of issues that I’ve had since childhood that other people would call “baggage”. Sure, everyone has baggage to some degree but I think I just have a carry on case now and I can carry that myself. If someone else wants to open the case and take a look that is great, but the case is mine and mine only. My baggage isn’t the size of a shipping container that I want someone else to transport around. I think being single really allows you to put time into yourself and improve yourself.

I don’t think I am the happiest I could be in life but I’m definitely not miserable and I don’t think my happiness lies within other people anyway.

What would I recommend doing if you are single?

• See a psychologist. I don’t think there is a single person on the planet who doesn’t need to see a psychologist at some point in their lives. The best time to go is when you’re single. I went from March 2013 to December 2014 and in that time I overcame a lot of grief and depression I had felt from when my dad passed away when I was 8. I learned to love myself a bit more, and I gained confidence in myself. If you are going to see a psychologist I highly recommend seeking out one yourself. I found mine by googling “psychologist [suburb]”. I looked through the list and instantly found the one for me and I loved her. If I wasn’t her patient I would have wanted to be her friend and I know she felt the same way.
• Try some hobbies and find what you love doing. My personality is drawn to the arts so I go to concerts, craft a lot, take photos, write, and recently got really into spirituality and personality types. It’s great if you can find something that changes a lot or is something that is constantly evolving so it can be a lifelong hobby or interest if you want it to be.
• Learn to take care of yourself. This is a great point that Hannah Witton mentioned in her video on the topic. You will gain confidence in yourself and know that no matter what happens you can keep yourself alive and do everything yourself when you need to. This involves knowing how to manage your money and do taxes, cook healthy recipes, even exploring your sexuality, going to the movies alone, and doing everything just for you.
• Take photos of yourself. I’ve noticed that people take more photos when in relationships which sure, makes sense. But you don’t want to have periods of your life missing just because you were single. Take photos of yourself so you can remember the time in your life where you grew and learned so much.
• Expand your circle. This is easier said than done but if you are able to expand your friendship group, definitely do so. If you want to meet new people and possibly form new relationships or friendships then you need to expand your circle. You never know who you will meet through someone else.
• Buy yourself flowers. Don’t wait around for a guy (or girl) to buy you flowers.

I’d love to hear about what being single has been like for any of you so please leave a comment so we can chat some more.

Well that was a pretty lame attempt at poetry, but it was fun. I’ve never written poetry before except in school when they made us, and I hated it at the time. I’d like to do it some more, it’s really interesting and fascinating to read and to hear. I love that you can convey so much in so few words, and that there could be years worth of story in just one line.

Fourteen years ago my dad died. He died on the 7th of March 2000 and the funeral was on the 14th of March. It’s so odd but this is the first year it hasn’t hurt. It’s the first year I’ve really noticed the pain not being so crippling and hurting so bad.

Dad before I was born…

Over the last 12 months I’ve spent a lot of time learning and talking about him and I truly think that is what has helped the pain go away. I honestly thought the pain would be unbearable forever, that the ache would always be there and I suppose it will be, but it will not always hurt as bad as it did. My heart was shattered, battered and bruised, it was beyond repair and I let it stay that way until a couple of years ago when I started to piece it back together. At the moment it’s still a little purple from the bruises but now you can see the healthy red layer beneath the purple one. It’s so freeing to finally feel like a fourteen year long grieving period is coming to an end.

I feel motivated and ready to start the next chapter of my life. My mind is flooded with goals and visions of who I will be and it really is time to take steps to make it a reality. I’m so fortunate and have a lot of things going for me and I’m ready to take advantage of them and use whatever I’ve got to get to the places I want to go. I’ve officially decided to see through my job until the end of the year and then I’m moving to Sydney; finally committing to leaving. Sydney is the current goal. The long term goal is love and kids which hopefully will come long with Sydney.

March, 2010. My first month of University. It’s been four years since then and wow, I have changed a lot. All of my friends either never went to Uni in the first place or are at the beginning of another year on campus and it’s a weird feeling to be left out. It’s also weird to feel like you’re moving into another stage of your life than your friends who are still attending university. Almost like you’re leaving them behind but you hands are joined, holding on for dear life, not wanting to leave – or be left.

Uni was an interesting time of my life – definitely a time of change. My sense of fashion was all over the place, I experimented with awful, unflattering make-up for the first time and I was hugely awkward. I still am. I didn’t know who I was – I wasn’t the depressed emo kid anymore, I wasn’t an independent adult, I was an inbetweener. Meeting so many new people who seemed more like me than anyone at school did was great. I was no longer the weird one, but I was still a loner. Uni seemed to fly by – three years felt like nothing in comparison to the five years of High School and the eight years of Primary School before that.

Sidenote: I’ve got almost no pictures from my times at Uni as I still hated having my picture taken because of my low self-esteem. I didn’t keep a diary throughout those three years so I don’t have any particular thoughts written down either. I just have my memories and my screenplays to look back on.

I was so excited to graduate last year – I was supposed to graduate at the end of 2012 but one of my credits was held up, which meant I didn’t graduate until mid-2013. I only had one class which I decided to take online, so I could get a job.

Feeling ready for a new beginning, I went into 2013 with goals and plans which apart from getting a job, I had accomplished by February. I was aimless for the next two months until I finally got my first job at a small business. I felt rejuvenated when I started work – I had a focus and a purpose, I had tasks to do and time to reflect on my growth which was very satisfying. I had also started seeing a therapist to work through some of my grief over my dad’s death and came a long way. I can talk about him now without my heart breaking and wanting to cry. That is something I thought was unimaginable for 13 years of my life – I was convinced the pain would never go away and it would always hurt as bad as it did during those years.

I delved into psychology in 2013 and found out a lot about myself and others. I’ve gained a deeper understanding of the people in my life and why they are the way they are. Discovering that they view the world differently to me has helped tremendously with all my relationships. I’ve found answers as to why I’ve never truly felt understood by anyone in my life – it’s simply because they don’t think about the same things as I do and their brains don’t work the same way. I’ve learned not to be angry at them about that as it’s not their fault.

These days most of my time is spent thinking about moving to Sydney. I think about the places I’ll go, the things I want to take pictures of, the way I want my place to look, the diy projects I’ll get to do, the people I’ll get to hang out with and so, so much more. I started saving money late last year and have done pretty well so I’m finally taking steps to make my dream a reality.

I’m worried about how my friendships will turn out. I’m terrible at keeping friends. Unless we make an effort to catch up all my friendships fall by the wayside. It’s not conceivable to think my friendships will be the same once I move hours away. There’s only so much you can know about each other through Facebook. Change is scary, exciting and incredibly necessary.

I wish all you University students the best for 2014 – soak it up while it lasts, it’ll be gone before you know it.

My friend said this to me a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. 

We were talking about what the “ideal guy” would be like. Bare in mind that she’s only dated one person who is her current boyfriend of four years and I’ve not dated at all in my adult life. She regularly says to me that she’s unhappy or he annoys her and asks for my advice a lot – their relationship definitely isn’t perfect and I personally don’t think she is very happy in it. They’ve been together since she was 17 – she’s now 21. Her parents also don’t have a great relationship and have struggled a lot.

Getting back on track, I was describing qualities I would like in a future husband such as:

• Can’t be homophobic, sexist, racist, or any other ‘ist’
• Genuine, honest (but not in a blunt/nasty way)
• Wants a family & to be married
• Doesn’t carry a lot of hate
• Relatively smart – not necessarily ‘intelligent’, more like not dumb. I have quite a lot of thoughts and things I want to discuss and I need someone that I can talk to.
• Open minded about the world
• Adventurous – likes to do a lot of activities but can also stay at home and be content
• Can carry the conversation most of the time, but can also listen. Mostly I just want my feelings validated by the person I’m with.
• Accepts me as I am
• Good with finances (not a requirement, just a preference because I’m terrible with money)

I don’t feel any of these are asking for anything specific – apart from smart and talkative, but a listener. The rest I think are just basic qualities that make up a good person. However, after reeling off the list she said to me your standards are too high. That really rubbed me the wrong way at the time so I just simply said “I don’t think so”. I’ve thought about it a lot since and have come to the conclusion that so many people hear from others that they should lower their standards and I hate it. Just because your parents or someone you know says that doesn’t mean you should listen and put their negative advice into action. You need to think about what they’re saying and correlate it with their relationship. Are they happy? If not, then don’t listen to them. If they have an unhealthy relationship, don’t listen to them. You can take in what they’re saying and make up your own mind about your own life and relationships.

I think by lowering your standards you’re bound to end up in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship. I do think the people you fall in love with will surprise you and won’t be exactly who you thought that you’d end up with and that’s great. It’s great to be surprised…. but I’m not going to lower my standards and just get into a relationship with any guy and settle for second best. Pretty much everyone I know has settled in their relationships and I refuse to be like that. A lot of people just don’t know what they want or need so they do lower their standards.

Think about what you need and want from a partner. What kind of person could you spend your life with? Figure it out and don’t settle for second best.  I’m going to keep my standards high and my eyes open and see who comes along and I think you should do the same.