Turning 30 is a milestone that many people view with mixed emotions.

On the one hand, it can be a time to reflect on all that you’ve accomplished and look forward to the years ahead. On the other hand, it can also be a time to confront some of the fears and uncertainties that come with leaving your twenties behind.

As I enter a new decade of life, I reflect on what my twenties taught me. I found my joy and truth in my twenties. While holding onto the hope I had for the future from my dark teenage years, I discovered faith, Jesus. I was able to hold onto friendships and make new ones. I through myself into more challenges, overcoming fear of driving, moving out of home, and other major life events that for some reason are delayed in mine. I saw a psychologist for the first time so I could begin to deal with my grief surrounding losing my dad when I was 8 years old. I graduated university, I got my first job and have had two more since. I came into more money than I ever have before, and developed better money habits as the years go on.

I concluded the night with a special dinner with friends at one of the Gold Coast’s favourite restaurants – The Collective in Palm Beach. Unfortunately a couple of my closest friends were unable to make it which was quite upsetting but I ended up having a great time with some of the women who mean so much to me. I am so grateful to have maintained so many friendships for over 15 years now.

In just a few days I will be moving back to my home town of Sydney, this time by myself. I’m fortunate enough to be able to transfer with work so at least that is one less stress to worry about, but a lot of new experiences await me there. It’s a dream come true.

Wish me luck!

With just a week until I turn 30, I thought it would be the perfect time to answer The Up Series questions to round up my twenties. It is crazy to me that I will be turning 30 in exactly one week from now. My twenties have been a really fun and interesting decade of my life with a lot of healing, self growth, and joy. I still have a long way to go in life but I feel closer than ever to the person I want to be.

For The Up Series this year, I decided to try out some new questions that I found from Stephen Ango on Medium.

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?

I went parasailing and snorkeling! I was so scared to do both of them as they were new experiences but I thoroughly enjoyed both of them and can’t wait to do it again.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions?

No. I didn’t really set many resolutions at the start of 2021 as I was quite unmotivated and uninspired to do anything and felt very stagnated in my life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my fourth godchild was born – Jasper!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I am blessed to say no.

5. What cities/states/countries did you visit?

I visited Sydney in March 2021, Stanthorpe in the middle of 2021, and Tangalooma in November 2021.

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

Romance!

7. What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

5 March 2021. It was the date that everything changed for me for the remainder of the year and my life. The day I felt like Sydney was truly home and I had to move back.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Starting to see a personal trainer and being consistent with it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I didn’t have many failures this year, it was a lot of growth, expansion, and forward movement. I think I felt a lot of day-to-day boredom which was a fail as it’s up to me to change my attitude and make each day one to remember.

10. What other hardships did you face?

Just a lot of feeling stuck, and when I finally decided I’m going to move to Sydney it took a lot of courage to commit to the idea. I will be moving in just a few short weeks, right after I turn 30.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I did. I had a sore neck for most of the year, but the most memorable was in September 2021 when I ended up in hospital 4 days after the Pfizer vaccine. The vaccine amplified the inflammation my body is already dealing with which lead to a gallbladder attack (acute cholecystitis) and a day in hospital. It was something completely unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and was so painful, uncomfortable, and draining. Before I had the second dose I took some supplements that helped, but now that it’s been triggered it will most likely happen again.

12. What was the best thing you bought?

I feel as though I didn’t buy many things in 2021 compared to previous years which is great, so I’m going to say my ETFs were the best purchase/investment!

13. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

N/A

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

Some of the Governments were out of control when it came to COVID-19 restrictions.

15. Where did most of your money go?

Apart from general living costs, I’m proud to say that for the first time it went to Savings/Investments.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Reconnecting with an old friend out of the blue and also meeting someone I really had a great connection with.

17. What song will always remind you of this year?

Let’s Go Home Together by Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan. It was my most played song of 2021 by fat!

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Happier.

ii. Thinner or fatter? About the sane.

iii. Richer or poorer? Richer.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Getting out of my comfort zone – every time I did I had so much fun and made the best memories of the year.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Less complaining – it never leads to a favourable outcome.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas just came and went and I spent it with my immediate family. I hope next year it is the same.

22. Did you fall in love this year?

Yes, although I don’t think anyone fell in love with me this year.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No, I don’t have time or energy to hate anyone.

24. What was your favorite show?

Good Trouble. I also fell in love with One Tree Hill again thanks to the Drama Queens podcast!

25. What was the best book you read?

I haven’t read a full book in a very long time.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year?

Dear Evan Hansen – I became obsessed with the soundtrack. Also Casey Lowry – he doesn’t have much music out, but I love his tiktoks.

27. What was your favourite film?

I only watched one movie at the cinema in the last year which was Dear Evan Hansen which I loved.

28. What was your favourite meal?

Lemon & herb chicken and potatoes.

29. What did you want and get?

I wanted direction and definitely got it along with the gift of courage to pursue it.

30. What did you want and not get?

The love of my life.

31. What did you do on your birthday?

My birthday is in a week! But last year’s birthday when I turned 29 I cried a lot, went to breakfast with my mum, and cried more. I was very depressed on my birthday, feeling directionless and like nothing had changed in the previous year.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Falling in love with someone who loves me too.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of the year?

Midi dresses.

34. What kept you sane?

Podcasts.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most?

I don’t really admire celebrities or public figures anymore, at least not the way I used to. I am a big fan of Mindy Kaling though as she creates such wonderful and fun tv shows for me to watch!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

COVID-19, like it did for anyone.

37. Who did you miss?

My brother. After 3 years of not seeing him we finally got to reunite a couple of weeks ago for Christmas.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

That has to be a secret…

39. What valuable life lesson did you learn this year?

How important my health is and how much I have disregarded it over the year and abused my body. My body is strong and has been able to fight me back but after ending up in hospital from the COVID vaccination that caused a gallbladder attack, I realised how fragile my body actually is and that I need to take better care of it.

40. What is a quote that sums up your year?

Expect the unexpected!

Can you believe it’s already 2022?

As I get older the years seem to fly buy. An energetic shift has already happened with the new year; despite being a new year it feels like the closing of a 20 year long chapter of my life as I am moving back to my home town of Sydney in just a couple of weeks. It is crazy to think how much courage I’ve gained in 2021, having faced some of the most unexpected trails, conquered fears, but also experiencing unforeseen joys and liberation. 2021 was a numerological “10” year for me which is both the closing of a cycle and a new one beginning which feels true. Sometimes change doesn’t happen straight away, we need to let go and say goodbye to all we have experienced before we can truly take a leap of faith into the future.

I reigned in the new year with some of my friends from church as we had dinner and watched the lovely fireworks. It’s been a few years since I’ve got out of NYE and seen fireworks so it was a lovely change of pace from my regular NYE routines.

2022 has so many blessings and adventures awaiting me and I cannot wait to experience them.

Photos taken on Canon Autoboy Luna 105S and Agfa Vista 400 35mm film. Scanned by Lazarus Lab (I also chose to have borders scanned for this roll) which I love.

Before I completely forget, I really want to record a memory of a really important day of my life.

About six weeks ago on 6 September 2021, I started feeling a bit of back pain throughout the day at work. I thought maybe I just strained it moving furniture or cleaning or something as it was a dull ache that I was able to pay no attention to. Later that day I went to my mum’s house for dinner like I do every Monday night and decided to leave a bit earlier than normal at 7pm as my stomach was hurting and I thought I just needed to go to bed early and sleep it off. I tossed and turned in agony for about half an hour as the discomfort worsened.

I felt the need to throw up after that and from that moment on I threw up about 4 times within an hour, had a small reprieve from about 9-11pm and then after that woke up every 45 minutes or so to be sick. Eventually it became orange bile that I was throwing up, as all food I had consumed had already been thrown up.

Thinking this was very abnormal and unlike any illness I had ever experienced, I shook it off just thinking that I had food poisoning which was why I had been throwing up so much.

After getting only 2 hours of solid sleep that night, I woke up about 5am and decided to have a shower and wash my hair as I felt gross after the night I experienced. About 6am I tried calling my boss (he’s an early riser) to say I would only come in for a couple of hours to finish the 3 submissions I had due that day (they were 90% complete) but he didn’t answer. I sat on the lounge downstairs for about half an hour waiting to try calling him again. My flatmates were concerned – one of them had only had a few hours sleep as she heard me being sick all night, and she was trying to convince me to go to the hospital. I was reluctant as I had never been to the hospital for anything apart from a planned surgery for wisdom teeth removal in 2015.

I saw my colleague Sarah was active on Facebook messenger so I messaged her to see if she could take over one of my submission that was due at work as I was going to go home early as I was sick and she said it was no problem.

I called my boss again at 6:30 and he answered this time. I explained that I had a really rough night being sick all night and would only come in for a few hours to finalise the submissions we had due and then I would go home and rest. He was concerned but I think we both didn’t realise how sick I actually was at the time.

About 7am my flatmate was just about ready to go to work but kept insisting she would take me to the hospital if I wanted her to. After a lot more nudging I agreed to go. I got changed, grabbed my sick bowl and some tissues and got in her car. The drive there was torture. Fortunately, the hospital is only ten minutes away from our house but with every roundabout I was praying that I wouldn’t be sick again.

I was very grateful she came with me as she had taken herself to the hospital’s emergency room a few times and knew where to go. When we got to the desk the lady asked me so many questions. Due to the lack of sleep and how much pain I was in I struggled to answer the most basic of questions. I remember when they asked my address so they could input my details, I just handed over my license with the address on the back so I didn’t have to say it.

After about ten minutes of answering questions, we finally sat down and waited for my name to be called. I found an empty set of seats and laid down as it felt better than sitting. It was very uncomfortable though so I was still struggling.

Another ten minutes later my name was called. The nurse took some blood (site note: she found my vein so quick, most people struggle so I was impressed, especially because of how dehydrated I was at the time). Right as I sat down I felt the need to be sick again, and I threw up some yellow bile – a change from the orange that I saw all night but fortunately that was the last time I threw up.

After the blood test she took me back to the waiting room and gave me some dissolvable tablets to stop the nausea. Fortunately it worked as I didn’t throw up again for the rest of the day. As I was in the waiting room with my friend again, I decided to call my mum and tell her I was in hospital. She immediately sounded worried and asked if I wanted her to come and I said yes and started crying. Every bit of strength that was holding me together fell apart in that moment.

I also called some colleagues to tell them I can’t do the submissions as I was at hospital not well and that Sarah would finish them for me.

The nurse called my name again and took me into the emergency room. I was really shocked at how loud the room was but also how calm all the staff were. An elderly lady was in the next spot over to me and had clearly had a fall of some kind and seemed to be confused about where she was and the nurse was trying to explain everything to her. The patience and kindness she showed the lady was really impressive and made me feel like I was in good hands.

A nurse came and took all my information again and gave me a gown to change into. It was about 20 minutes until my mum got there – again, so lucky we live so close to each other and the hospital.

She was so worried and none of us knew what actually was making me feel sick. I knew I had some existing health conditions that I had told them about – PCOS, NAFLD, gallstones, and four days prior I had my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. I didn’t connect any of those things to the sickness I had been experiencing for over 12 hours at this point.

About half an hour after my mum arrived, the nurses gave me some pills – I believe they said it was endone to help with the pain. Surprisingly they didn’t put me on a drip or anything the whole day, despite the amount of fluids I’d lost. The endone was crushed up in some yogurt as I said I can’t swallow a full pill and as I started eating it I started crying. It was not about my current health situation or being in hospital, but stress about work. I am literally in hospital with an unknown condition that has caused immense pain for 12 hours and I’m worried about work. The nurses and my mum were trying to comfort me but I couldn’t stop crying and felt so guilty that I wouldn’t be able to submit everything I had to that day. Reflecting back on this moment I’m so shocked and angry at myself that my body was screaming at me and was suffering, and I still had an internal voice that cared about work.

I am not sure if it was a way of being in denial about what was happening, but I think my current job has turned me into a bit of a work zombie. When I first started this job, it was quite slow; I had certain tasks I had to do each day or week and I quickly mastered them so I had a lot of spare time. The people I worked with didn’t handover a lot of tasks to me that they should have in those early days, as I think they were used to doing everything themselves. It’s five years later and I always have things to do and deadlines to meet almost daily. Work doesn’t stop. The slow days are only a few each year, so my body has gotten used to a certain lifestyle and quantity of work I need to complete.

In reflection I think my body was exhausted, overworked, and needed to break down in order to force me to rest and repair the damage that had been done. It was fighting extra inflammation (above my already highly inflamed state) due to the vaccine and stress from the weeks leading up to this day which is what caused me to be sick.

Shortly after, Dr. Luke arrived. Sometimes I find medical professionals really cold and their energy can somehow hurt or offend me and make me feel even more vulnerable but he was very sweet and kind so I was happy he was my doctor. He asked me a lot of questions about the pain I had and did some testing and feeling around to see what hurt and what didn’t. The upper right stomach area seemed to be the only problem so he said I would need to get an ultrasound and he would book it in for 11am (it was about 9:30).

I tried to get some rest now that some of the pain had subsided while my mum sat in the chair waiting with me for 11am to arrive. Mum called my boss again and said I won’t make it into work as I wouldn’t be leaving hospital anytime soon.

I tossed and turned a bit more, posted a photo on Instagram of me in hospital, and tried to get some rest. When I next looked at my phone I had so many messages of people asking what had happened and why I was in hospital. It was really sweet, made me feel like people cared and were worried about me.

It is kind of weird being in hospital as a 29-year-old single woman. You expect for some reason when you will be in hospital that you will have a husband or boyfriend that will take you and be there with you. Instead, I had my mum there and a tribe of 30 women praying for me. It made me feel mixed feelings, sad that I didn’t have a partner, but so blessed that I had so many women that cared about me. One thing I really noticed through this experience is that women care. There’s a reason we are the caretakers. Women have an innate sense of empathy and truly value the people and relationships in their lives which is why I felt so blessed to have them in my life. My brother was the only male I know that checked up on me or asked how I was doing throughout the whole experience. It really showcased the difference in our make up and our conditioning and gave me a lot to reflect on.

Eventually someone came to get me and told me that it was time for my ultrasound. I think it was about 11:15am. They wheeled me down the halls in a wheelchair and then I sat outside the ultrasound room for another 15 minutes. It was really cold and awkward as there weren’t many people around while I was waiting. It was a true moment of silence though, no devices, no people to talk to, no one to perform or show off for. It is so rare that I ever have a moment without a device to connect to people. I really need to make time for that in my life as I am constantly distracting myself with anything I can. It’s something we all do to cope and escape but I think that hinders me sometimes.

The ultrasound took about half an hour and again I have to say, the guy that did it was so nice and helpful. I cannot speak highly enough of every single person I encountered at the hospital – they were calm, helpful, good listeners and genuinely wanted to help.

After the ultrasound I was moved to some sort of shared recovery room where I stayed for a few hours while we waited for the results. I started to feel a lot better around 2pm but still very weak. Evnetually Doctor Luke came back and said the ultrasound looked overall good and it seemed like the gallbladder attack (or acute cholecystitis) was caused by gallstones that got stuck but they had since moved and looked a bit better.

I definitely think the inflammation that led to the gallbladder attack was caused by the COVID-19 vaccine that I had just a few days prior. I did a small bit of research and it seemed as though a few people had the same reaction, although not widely spread. 

Since the gallbladder attack I have had a dull ache in that region that is constant but does have moments of flaring up more, but never leading to the awful pain, nausea and vomiting I experienced during the gallbladder attack. Overall I am feeling much better but a bit traumatised from the experience as I have never been in hospital for anything except a wisdom teeth removal day surgery before.

I can’t talk highly enough about the medical professionals I encountered at the hospital, they were absolutely brilliant the whole day and I gained even more respect for them.

Last weekend my friends and I made a little trip to Chambers Flat Strawberry Farm!

It was such a fun experience to pick our own strawberries and spend the day together. We are all in our late 20’s now and have been friends since we were 12-13. We all have busy lives in different stages of life so we don’t always get the chance to get together, but the few times we do every year is always a blessing and feels like nothing has changed in the last 15 years.

Bringing my film camera was the best idea I could’ve had. Shooting my friends in natural lighting is my favourite things to take photos of and film truly allows them to shine! I chose my Pentax Spotmatic as it had a half-used roll loaded that I wanted to finish (the first half was from mid-2019 when we could still travel and COVID-19 didn’t exist!). The Pentax Spotmatic for some reason isn’t my go-to favourite camera, but it is a wonderful experience shooting with it and I’m always pleased with the results. It’s a great beginner camera and I’d highly recommend it for anyone wanting to get into shooting film.

I truly love my friends and am so grateful for these adventures with them. I highly recommend scouting your local area for different fun activities like this – it’s spring in Australia so it was the perfect time to pick some strawberries and have some fresh strawberry ice cream!

Strawberry fields forever

So it is official; I have NAFLD.

And to put the cherry on top of the cake, I also have gallstones.

I got an ultrasound on my abdomen that revealed this and I’m not going to lie, I had a bit of a cry in the car after I left. Although it was an OK experience, I felt a bit overwhelmed and helpless feeling like it’s one thing on top of another. It’s PCOS, now it’s NAFLD, oh and throw in gallstones too!

I had an awkward time during the ultrasound due to my breathing – he would guide me when to breathe in and out which is always stressful, even in meditations as I tend to be someone who holds my breath a lot due to stress or anxiety and find it hard to find a breathing rhythm. I apologised at the end to the sonographer and he said “you did let me down a little bit”. He was really nice but I know I would’ve made it difficult because I can’t breathe!

The good news is that the sonographer said the gallstones are moving as if they stop moving they kind of get stuck and need to be removed in surgery. Apart from that, I don’t know a whole lot about gallstones although I have heard people that have their gallbladder removed lose weight, but there can be complications. I would be lying if I wasn’t considering having that surgery, but the idea of surgery in general terrifies me.

I only know a few things about NAFLD and honestly I haven’t done a lot of research on it yet as I am still focus on PCOS now that I have a confirmed diagnosis. Here they are:

• It is extremely common – approximately 1 in 3 Australian adults have NAFLD
• It is reversible (YAY!)
• NAFLD means that 5-10% of your liver content is fat which is excessive
• It can be connected to other health conditions such as obesity, diabetes, high cholesterol or high blood pressure
• PCOS accounts for a higher risk of NAFLD
• Can be connected to insulin resistance
• NAFLD can make you feel tired or unwell

As I said, I don’t know a whole lot, but what I do know explains a lot. From my googling I found a lot of the symptoms I experience are connected to NAFLD – a lot more than I thought. I always feel tired and drained which leads to moodiness and emotional breakdowns or outbursts. It leads to too many sick days at work and generally feeling guilty for cancelling or ditching plans because I don’t have the energy to do anything.

Like most things related to my health, it can be treated and “cured” with lifestyle changes and natural medicine rather than traditional medicine. I know that I need to see a nutritionist to get their opinion on diet changes and supplements that can be taken in order to manage my PCOS symptoms reverse the NAFLD.

I would love to be able to reverse NAFLD entirely as I think it would affect hormones, fertility, energy levels, and in general make me feel more spritely rather than tired all the time. I’ll be back after seeing a nutritionist – wish me luck!

It wasn’t until last year that I had my first blood test.

Until last year I had spend 20+ years avoiding dealing with my health until it got to the point that I had to finally go to the doctor. He ordered a blood test and a couple of things came up: I was severely deficient in B12 so I had 3 shots over 4 weeks that resulted in no change in energy (everyone told me I would feel super energetic) but I had a reaction resulting in a lot of intense cystic acne on my chest and lower back. He also said my liver levels were higher than normal which resembled non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), and we had to keep an eye on it.

Since going to the female doctor and getting an ultrasound on my ovaries, she also requested a blood test to check hormone and glucose levels in particular to confirm the PCOS diagnosis. This particular blood test takes 2.5 hours to complete and required 8 tubes of blood.

I decided to take a Monday off work and get the blood test first thing in the morning as I knew I would most likely feel sick afterwards and need to rest. Unfortunately my veins are quite hidden which makes it hard to get enough blood for blood test sometimes, but on my left arm there is one reliable one that is usually found, so all 8 vials of blood were taken from that vein over the period (I still have a bruise!).

My morning went as follows:

8:45am – 1st blood withdrawal: she takes 5 vials all from the one vein and is amazed she was able to get enough

9:00am – need to drink glucose drink: had to take sips of the drink that tastes like thick, stale lemonade

9:45am – 2nd blood withdrawal: start to feel a bit sick as I haven’t eaten in about 14 hours, she takes another 2 vials, again from the same vein. She asked how I was doing and when I said I felt a bit sick she said I can go and lie down on one of the beds in the room next door.

11:00am – 3rd and final blood withdrawal: still feeling super sick but she takes the final vial and then I’m free to go home!

I got really lucky with the lady taking the blood as she used to work at my doctor and had taken my blood before.

My female doctor called a few days later in bursts – every day or two I would get a new call from her saying “your testosterone levels are high as a result of the PCOS”, “you don’t have hepatitis”, “your B12 is low”, “your liver levels are concerning, I will leave a form for you to pick up to get an ultrasound”. I was so confused – it was one test so why did she make calls over several days?

I ended up contacting the pathology lab to get a copy of my test results – I had to pay $20 admin fee but I was able to get copies of my previous results from the last year as well so it was well worth it. When I had a look over it, it seemed like everything that was wrong (except hormone levels) were related to the liver which really concerned me as I wasn’t expecting that. My doctor had mentioned a year ago that the liver function levels were needing to be monitored as they were high, but I didn’t realise just how much it was affecting everything.

My pharmacist friend had a look over the results to provide some insight which was really helpful and she helped recommend me a B12 spray instead of the shots as I had a bad cystic acne reaction to them last year that I’m only just recovering from. I highly recommend having someone else cast their eyes over your results if you have someone in the medical field in your circle of friends or family as they know you, your lifestyle and your concerns and can help answer some questions you may have.

I ended up booking an appointment with the doctor to go over the results as the phone calls were throwing me off and I felt I wasn’t getting any real or useful information from them. I saw her a day or two later and asked a few questions – she recommended some lifestyle changes and gave referrals for the dietician and an exercise physiologist. She said she wouldn’t recommend going on the pill or doing anything else at this stage as the liver disease is completely reversible. I was really relieved to hear that as I didn’t want to go on the pill and suppress hormones for a few years until I decide I want to get pregnant and then come off it only to have them flare up again. I also really struggle to take tablets so I prefer medication that comes in other forms.

Overall though, I feel as though the doctor may not be the right fit for me and I may need to seek out a nutritionist as I feel they have a more holistic perspective that would help me understand what’s going on in my body a bit more and provide more support. Once I do that I will let you know how I go, but for now I need to focus on getting the liver ultrasound to see what’s going on in there, and I can take all the information to the nutritionist!

Recently I caught up with some friends! It had been about 3 months since I’d seen them and I’m not going to lie, it felt so good to see them again. I found out that my friend Kara is pregnant which was super exciting – her and her husband are the Kids Pastors at our church and I know they will be amazing parents to their little one.

I was a little rusty with my camera and all of our energies weren’t in the best photoshoot mood, but we still managed to get a few cute photos.

Also sunny.designco on Instagram turned my photo of Kara into a new piece of art. So cool as that’s the first time that has happened with one of my photos! Please head over and give it a like.

View this post on Instagram

me @ target // inspo from @colourmekara

A post shared by Sunny Design Co (@sunny.designco) on Jul 10, 2020 at 7:36am PDT

Let’s play a game of Never Have I Ever.

Never did I ever think it would take me almost 2 years to make an update to this series. *Drink*

It’s so hard to believe I’ve put this off for so long, but I’m proud to say I have finally taken action at the ripe old age of 28 to see if I will get a confirmed diagnosis of PCOS.

The Pap Smear

I suppose it was going to the doctor about a month ago and being asked if I’ve booked in for my pap smear yet that started this whole journey. I’d been getting letters from the Australian Government letting me know I’m of age to get a pap smear for the last year but have ignored it. As I’ve never had any form of sex before, I have been told in the past I don’t need to get one, but other people say you should anyway to make sure everything is ok. The other week I finally booked in with the female doctor at the practice I went to for a pap smear. I expected it to go like this:

Instead it went like this:

“Are you having sex?”

“No.”

“But you have before?”

“No.”

“Then we don’t need to do pap smear.”

“OK.”  

After that awkwardness I managed to muster up enough courage to mention I think I have PCOS but it’s never been confirmed. After a few more questions, she said I need to get an ultrasound and a blood test, printed out some documents including a double-sided leaflet giving the bare bones basics of PCOS and sent me on my merry way. She did mention that I don’t need to worry about being able to get pregnant as most women with PCOS can have children with no issues at all.

The feelings after that appointment were so bizarre. I felt slightly judged and embarrassed because I didn’t need the pap smear, but empowered that I would finally know for sure if I have PCOS or not. I couldn’t help but question what she said about being able to have kids as so much research suggests PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility and so many women struggle to get pregnant as a result of it (although it is not impossible). The only reason why I decided to finally deal with this is because I’m approaching 30, I’m single, and I know I want to have biological children one day and wanted to make sure my fertility was ok.

The Ultrasound

I’ve never had an ultrasound, X-Ray, or any sort of body scan before. The closest I’ve got is an aura photo – which is a long way off. If you’ve never had one before either I’m going to do my best to describe it.

The room is darker than I expected and I had an awkward moment getting on the bed as the brakes weren’t on so it kept moving a bit, but she fixed it. They ask you to pull your pants down a bit, put a piece of paper into your underwear to cover up as much as possible without blocking access for the machine. They then add the cold ultrasound gel and put a lot of pressure on my bladder and various areas of my lower stomach in order to get the photos they needed.

The ultrasound itself was abdominal, although you can do a vaginal one. The technician recommended just doing the abdominal as I haven’t had a pap smear before and it would be uncomfortable to do the vaginal ultrasound.

The technician was professional and got slightly more friendly and warm as time went on. All in all it took about 15 minutes to do and she took a lot of photos. I asked her at one point what she thought of what she was seeing and she said the doctor will need to look at it.

I left there not really know what to expect as she gave me no indication at all of what she was seeing. I did have a bit of an inkling there would be some bad news as she was taking so many photos – I assumed they wouldn’t need so many photos if they didn’t see anything.

The Results

A few days after my ultrasound, my doctor called me and told me there were some cysts on my ovaries, but that I would have to go back in 6 weeks for another one to see if they go away on their own. She also said she needs my blood tests results before she can confirm if I have PCOS or not.

Honestly after the phone call I was a bit confused. I had no idea that cysts can come and go. I don’t foresee them going, and if they do they will be replaced with new ones. That’s kind of the nature of PCOS, right?

After the call I went to the toilet and cried for a bit. Although I knew that’s what the results would be, it still hurt to hear as I was hoping by some miracle there would be a different outcome. The whole week has been pretty rough since that call and I’ve been deep diving into egg freezing, PCOS facebook groups, how to manage symptoms, foods to avoid and exercises to do, vitamins and pills to take, books to read. It’s overwhelming and isolating. I would love to find a community locally to meet with and have some support. I really think no matter what you are going through, community is important.

One of the hardest parts is how no one really understands what I’m going through with this. So many of my friends are either mothers already or soon-to-be. People try to comfort me by trying to make me feel better, whilst inadvertently dismissing my feelings. My family don’t know what to say and my friends share their own struggles with fertility which make me feel bad for being upset about this when they have it worse and may never be able to have children at all.

As I started writing this post I was able to view the ultrasound photos and doctor’s report which laid it all out pretty simply.

The uterus is anteverted and is not enlarged. There are no fibroids identified. The endometrium measures 6mm in thickness.

The ovarian volumes are at the upper limits of normal. The right ovarian volume is estimated at 13.55cc and the left at 13cc. The right ovary contains multiple small follicles with the larges measuring 5mm in diameter. There is a left ovarian cyst measuring 3.2 x 1.5 x 1.5cm.

Left ovarian cyst measuring 3.2cm in diameter. Progress ultrasound in six weeks is recommended to assess whether this cysts resolves.

In the coming days I am going to have the blood test to test my hormone levels and a bunch of other things. A few days after that I will need to book in with the doctor again to get the results and I’m sure, to come up with a “lifestyle plan” to implement. I am a bit nervous about what will be recommended – I would really like to treat this naturally with lifestyle changes and not have to go on medication such as The Pill as I know the side effects to that can be detrimental for some people.

I promise my next update for this series won’t take another 2 years. Wish me luck!

Earlier this year my friend Amanda asked me to do a photoshoot with her! She’s a musician and was hoping to get some photos she could use for her album covers, flyers and marketing. Of course, I was happy to take photos of her!

Amanda brought a creative and confident energy to the photoshoot which I appreciated a lot. It was definitely a collaboration!

My favourite thing about shooting with Amanda was her modelling and her creativity. She was full of ideas and inspiration for the photoshoot and had several outfits prepared. Her friend Kate did her makeup and it was stunning in person.

Enjoy the photos!

Can’t wait to take more photos of Amanda in the future!

For the first time in a long time, I feel as though love is just around the corner.

Having been single for my whole life, it feels like love is ready to come bursting in through the door.

But we are in quarantine.

Once we are out of quarantine, I am determined to go on dates and to flirt and to expand my social circle further.

I don’t want to waste any moments or opportunities.

I feel excited about love.

About being in a relationship.

I enjoy my own company and always will.

But I am ready for the challenges of falling in love.

Compromise.

Sharing.

Vulnerability.

Communication.

The simple things like making schedules work and figuring out who is cooking dinner tonight.

The silent battles of intimacy and connection.

The drama of it all.

I am ready.

My whole life has been leading up to this moment.

Preparing me.

I have been marching on through life, being closed off to love.

But I feel fluttering in my bones.

Butterflies stirring in my stomach.

I finally feel as though I am attracted to adult males.

For so long I was in the in-between of teens and adults and finding myself attracted to no one.

As I approach thirty, men who are adults are so appealing.

I find myself drawn to men who are nearing the thirties or thirty already.

The Priest.

Mark Cyr.

Dennis Cooper.

Since these changes I’ve been coming home to myself.

Reigniting my creativity.

Healing.

Abolishing things and people from my life that don’t bring me joy or contentment.

Maybe God had a plan for my twenties?

He painted each star in the sky for me.

Including my singleness.

His plan for me was to discover Him and learn to remain faithful.

To know that His promise still stands no matter how much time passes.

When I was a young girl being a matriarch was the marker of success.

To have the white dress, white picket fence, a son, and a daughter of my own.

My twenties tried to crush that dream of mine but it could not be done.

My faith and hope in the promise of love and family that has not yet come to me could not be squashed.

Instead it grows deeper.

I want it more.

I will appreciate it more when God blesses me with it.

Lately I’ve been thinking…

What if true success is following the plan God has for you, no matter where it leads?

What if the ultimate plan for my life is singleness?

To be a blessing to my friends and family in the form of a sibling, a daughter, a confidant.

But never a wife or mother?

Could that be the path for me?

At the end of the day, I have faith that love is just around the corner.

(This freeform piece of writing flew out of me out of the blue and has not been edited at all. If you read it, thank you. I hope it gives you hope.)

Featured Image Credit: Priscilla Du Preez

As I near the end of my life as a 27 year old, I wanted to capture my thoughts & feelings of this time. I honestly feel as though the last 6 years have flown by and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m aware time is an illusion, but it’s also something so essential to our lives. I love having markers of time that allow us to separate different seasons of our lives.

1. What is your greatest ambition? 

To fall in love and have 3 beautiful children who love life, are brave, courageous, smart, creative, kind and who love God. I don’t want them to live in fear or be too cautious like I am.

2. What is your greatest accomplishment? 

Raising myself and continuing to grow as an individual without a lot of help from others, while also trying to let people in and help me. My greatest accomplishment this year has been the deepening of my relationship with God and my knowledge of Him.

3. What is the greatest struggle in your life right now? 

My life is pretty easy compared to most, and I am pretty happy most days but I struggled with finding time for myself this year as I was very social.

4. What is your current goal? 

This time last year my goal was to find a partner to share my life with, but now it is to be healthier and fitter, buy a house and get a dog! I’ve built all of my 2020 goals around this main dream. I think it’ll come true in about 3 years so I need to work hard to save money for it. I was blessed to get an inheritance this year but I still need to work hard to make up the rest of the money needed.

5. What do you fear?

A lot less than I used to. I still fear snakes, needles, spiders like I used to, but I fear embarrassment and speaking to new people for the first time less than I used to. My biggest fear is still not being able to have children.

6. What do you eat regularly?

My diet has changed in the past few weeks as I am trying to eat healthier. This year I ate a lot of McDonalds and other takeaways, soft drink, and a lot of chicken based meals and a lot of sugar-heavy items. I have cut back on those recently and started drinking more water, eating more fruit + vegetables, soup and nuts.

7. What do you believe in spiritually?

I believe in the Holy Trinity – God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our past, present and future sin, to set us free from our ego and to show us a better way forward.

I also believe in reincarnation and past lives, karma, energy, auras, psychics, mediums.

You have to have discernment, wisdom and use good judgement as not everyone is authentic or has your best & highest good in mind.

The Devil (or concept of The Devil) is everywhere and is very deceptive so you need to be alert and make sure you don’t get led astray.

8. What do you do with your time?

I am quite busy these days. I go to work Mon-Fri, go to church, life group, see friends, create. I watch a lot of YouTube and spend a lot of time on social media like a lot of people but am trying to get better with that.

9. Which people in your life are the closest to you?

In past years I have felt very close to certain friends or family members, but I feel distance from them now. The people that I spend the most time with are the church community, however I am still not sure I feel the closest to them. I think I have learned that a healthy distance is imperative when it comes to relationships and there is such a thing as “too close”.

To answer the question I think everyone is at the same level of closeness now.

10. How do you feel about the opposite sex?

Oh gosh…….

Well, for the first time in a long time, I had a crush this year, and it drove me crazy! I know they say love is supposed to drive you nuts, but after stepping back from it recently, I realised that it’s not healthy to be consumed or overtaken with someone else. You need to keep a sense of independence and individuality and continue to pursue your passions and hobbies even when someone else has a lot of your time and attention. Desperation isn’t attractive and neither are unrequited feelings.

Men are also more sensitive, intelligent, helpful, kind and caring than I have been giving them credit for the last few years. They struggle with the exact same things we do, they just don’t usually have the support system to express their thoughts and feelings. I was able to spend time with more males than I have since high school this year and getting to know them has been a blessing.

11. What has been the biggest challenge this year? 

My health. I have always been very blessed health-wise but this year as Virgo was all over my astrological chart, I decided to tackle a few health things that I’d been ignoring for awhile. I got my first ever blood test and the results came back that I was very deficient in the B-12 vitamin and needed 3 shots (1 per week for 3 weeks) to get it to a normal level. In between the 2nd and 3rd shot I started breaking out in really bad acne on my face, which spread to my chest and lower back. My face felt like crocodile skin for 3 weeks but finally went down, as my chest got worse and spread to my lower back. I’ve been very lucky with acne over the years and have only had a few pimples every now and then, but usually my skin is very clear so it made me quite self conscious considering the ones on my chest were unable to be covered up by most clothing. They are still there but have gone down a lot.

I also got my period back early this year after almost a decade of not having a regular period. As I started to have romantic feelings for someone my cycle came back and thankfully hasn’t left since those feelings went away. I think being so closed off to men and relationships emotionally affected my cycle and once I opened that door again my hormones kind of fell back into how they should be.

Overall my mental health was good but I decided to start seeing a psychologist again to deal with some of my anxiety issues and to grow in areas that I have no experience in. It has been such a help and I’m so grateful to my psychologist who understands me. She recommended I do the Gallup StrengthsFinder test and my top five were Empathy, Connectedness, Futuristic, Relator & Discipline which described me perfectly.

In the last few weeks of being 27 I got a lot of back pain and tried seeing a chiropractor and an acupuncturist for the first time. I wasn’t a fan of the chiropractor but the acupuncturist was a very positive experience.

12. What is success to you? 

Success is living life, thriving; not just surviving. Making changes, seeking God, building a community of friends, family, and believers who will support you and keep you on your path. Self-growth. Improving health and habits and building generosity and wealth. Accepting where you are and finding joy in whichever season of life you are in. Cultivating a life you love. If that is how I define it, then I am successful.

13. What were your highlights this year? 

• Going to Sugar Republic
• Trip to Sydney & Melbourne and seeing LANY and The Lumineers while there
• Getting a new car
• My cousin moved in with me
• Weddings!! This was the first year any friends of mine got married
• Kids Church Christmas Party
• My Mum’s Birthday – my brother flew up from Melbourne and we surprised her at dinner which was pretty epic
• Work Christmas Party
• Church Christmas Production
• Photoshoot with my friends

I think that’s it for this edition of The Up Series. Click here for the 24 year old edition. I’ll see you next January when I’m 28!

In 2019 I got back into photography!

Specifically, digital photography. I had a few disappointments with shooting film this year – mostly because a roll came off the spool, the battery died in the camera and I didn’t know, and one of the backs on the camera opened that exposed the film. Recently I sent off 6 rolls to be developed and am not hopeful that they will come back with great photos but I will share when they are back.

I started taking photos for my church and it really made me get better at shooting manual on my digital camera and getting better at asking people if I can take photos of them. Fortunately a lot of my social circle loves having their photo taken and everyone wants good Instagram content these days.

Kara, Brittany, Phoebe and I decided to have a photoshoot in late December and it went amazingly! We went to Home of the Arts and the Gold Coast Regional Botanic Gardens and there were such a variety of locations and places to shoot at those two places. We want to have photoshoots regularly and be more creative with them as time goes by.

Hope you enjoy, I know I did!

Photos taken with Canon 60D and 50mm f1.8 lens.

This year I’ve been getting a real life, finding community, trying to experience what it would be like to have a love life, but as a result my creativity suffered and became a low priority for me.

I’ve felt disconnected from myself as an individual this year, losing touch with my creativity and inspiration. I’m hoping in the next few months to turn The Hanged Man into The Hanged Muse, while I think about how to proceed without making promises I can’t keep in regards to my creativity.

I have felt creatively blocked for a long time and only this month started reconnecting with my creative side and letting my soul be free to express itself in whichever form it wants to, whether it be through writing, painting, photography, or just living life for myself instead of in constant service of others. I do think service is an important part of life and an important part of who I am, but I need to find balance during this Libra season to give to myself so I’m not running on an empty tank when serving others anymore.

On days like this one I captured I feel so grateful for the beautiful paradise where I live. I live on the Gold Coast in Queensland, Australia. We are 1 hour from the capital city of Brisbane, and 1 hour from the beautiful Byron Bay. There are so many beautiful little places to visit within the span of the SEQ coast and one of my favourites is Farm & Co at Byron Bay. Farm & Co is a farm that sells fruit & vegetables, but the main attraction is the beautiful sunflower fields and Macadamia trees that line them. During sunflower season you can barely scroll through anyone’s instagram and not see a photo taken among the sunflowers.

I love that sunflowers represent the sun, and face towards the sun. They are light seekers, they were planted in the dirt and bloom and rise to follow and seek the sun. That is how I feel about God.

We go through tough times in our lives but all the while if we seek Him we will be living in the light and the darkness will be beneath us.

I love getting to explore these places with Chynna, she really is my soul sister ♡

I do like the E100 film – slide film is such a cool thing I want to try more often, however I found the colour tone of this particular roll to be quite brown which is not to my taste as I like bright colours. However, I think this is a scanning issue as the slide film looks really nice and doesn’t have a brown tone at all. I have a couple more rolls of it I’m shooting so we will see how it goes next time.

All photos taken with Canon AE-1 Program and Kodak E100 slide film.

A couple of months ago my friends Kara, Phoebe & I went to the Sugar Republic pop up at Pacific Fair!

The experience was amazing and we absolutely loved it – the “sprinkles’ rainbow ball pit was our absolute favourite, who said adults don’t deserve to have a bit of fun?

We all serve in Kids Church at our local church and had a such a good time connecting with our own inner children throughout the Sugar Republic experience. I don’t know about you, but the last time I was in a ball pit was when I was about 7 years old but as a 27 year old I can confirm it is just as fun as it was back then. It’s actually a really relaxing sensation and almost like a mini massage. I need to find a way to incorporate more ball pits into my life because it’s way too fun to only be in one every 20 years.

The staff at Sugar Republic were super friendly and offered to take photos of our group which was lovely, the experience was well-paced and very enjoyable for everyone who attended. Highly recommend you visit Sugar Republic if you need some new insta content and want to let your inner child run free! They have a permanent location in Melbourne but otherwise keep an eye out for their pop ups near you!

Photos taken with iPhone XS and edited with Lightroom mobile using Chelsea Jean presets.

Visiting my brother in Melbourne is one of my favourite things to do. We used to spend a lot of time together, almost every weekend and day after school we would hang out at home watching some tv series whether it was Friends, How I Met Your Mother or Charmed, and just bond and hang out. We were born 22 months apart and have always been close, both in age and as siblings. Tom is one of the only people who understands me on a cultural and intellectual level and I value him so much and am so grateful we got to the privilege of being brother & sister in this lifetime.

The one thing he hates is when I make him pose for photos, but I’m glad that he does it, even if it’s begrudgingly and to be honest he is glad too months later when I get the film developed! 

We didn’t get a lot of time to spend together on the trip as he was working, but we did get one day where we got to sleep in, go swimming in the pool, and walk around his town of Richmond. It’s still wild to me that he is almost 26 living on his own, working, studying, with a long term partner. He is so successful and I’m so proud of him for all he is doing and achieving for himself.

Until 2018 I thought my favourite 35mm film was Kodak Portra 400, but Portra 160 has definitely overtaken my love for Portra 400 and I think it’s because I live in a very sunny, well-lit country that doesn’t need a film with 400 ISO. Portra 400 also has a slightly yellow tone that disappears with Portra 160 which is more pink/neutral which tones down the bright yellow Australian sun. Portra 160 hits the sweet spot for me and the colours are more to my taste. I don’t think I’ll buy Portra 400 again anytime soon.

All photos taken on Canon AE-1 Program using Kodak Portra 400 and Kodak Portra 160 35mm film.

Last Christmas I went to Melbourne! We usually don’t travel at Christmastime but decided to so we could spend a couple of days in Melbourne with my brother. One of the things I really wanted to do whilst we were there was to visit the Melbourne Star Observation Wheel. In season 2 of the hit Australian tv show “Please Like Me” there is an episode that takes place almost entirely on the wheel and I loved the concept of it. I’ve always been someone that loves ferris wheels and was really excited to see Melbourne from a bird’s eye view.

A change in perspective every now and then is so important to understand that we are so consumed in our day to day lives, instead of on the big picture.

Shakespeare famously said, “All the world’s a stage and all  the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

I find that quote to be true. We are all here playing the roles God gave us, just trying to make it through the show as best we can. I love thinking about life in that way as it helps take the pressure off us a little bit.

Initially I was surprised and disappointed that a lot of the photos from this roll ended up as double exposures, but now I love it. I never usually shoot any roll of film with the intent to have double exposures as I like clean, crisp, clear photos that I can put in a photo album for my kids one day, but it’s always good to switch things up creatively every now and then, even if it was an accident.

All photos taken on Canon AE-1 Program using Kodak Portra 400 and Kodak Portra 160 35mm film.

I recently posted this spread on Instagram and was surprised by just how much people loved this and wanted to give it a go! A lot of us in the spiritual community are always trying to understand our path and our purpose, so I suppose it’s easy to see why people would want to try out this spread.

The reason I love this spread so much is because it is so easy to gain an understanding of our current soul lesson. Sometimes you want a spread so you can just do a general check in, but it gets boring to just ask the cards “tell me what I need to know” over and over again.

1. Current Soul Lesson
2. Awareness of Lesson – What awareness do I have/not have of this lesson?
3. Subconscious Understanding – What do I know
4. What Is Helping Me Through
5. What Will Resolve This Lesson

My cards were:

Current Soul Lesson – 2 of Wands

Ahhh, the move. I am moving out of home for the first time this year and am currently in the preparation and planning stage, just like this 2 of Wands. I’m holding on to what I currently have before I need to let go and actually take the first step.

Awareness of Lesson – 3 of Swords

I’m aware that it’s not going to be easy, that relationships and friendships will fall away, and that I will feel alone for the first little while when I move.

Subconscious Understanding – King of Swords

For the move to be successful I have to be very logical and authoritative, and make sure every box is ticked before diving into or signing something. I need to use my existing logic and intellect to navigate the path ahead and make well researched and thought out decisions to ensure that I am happy when I move.

What Is Helping Me Through – The Emperor

The most important man in my life – my dad. He passed away in 2000 but I know and trust that he helps and guides me every day, especially when it comes to important life events like moving.

What Will Resolve This Lesson – Queen of Swords

Being logical and proactive about this move. Making sure I am operating from my head, but being guided by my heart.

I was amazed at this reading as I used a random tarot card generator online instead of one of my decks – it is completely accurate. I don’t usually trust random online generators but in this case it worked phenomenally so if you don’t have a deck on you right now, give it a go and see if it’s accurate for you.

If you try it out please tag me on Instagram and let me know how you go.

On New Year’s Day I ventured up to Brisbane to spend the day with my friend Chynna! We went to the Botanical Gardens and lookout at Mt Coot-tha and got a lot of Vitamin D. Going to the Botanical Gardens and in particular the Tropical Dome was a great start to the year as I’ve wanted to go for awhile now.

Late last year I picked up some Kodak Portra 160 35mm film and couldn’t wait to use it! Although I’d had a great experience with Portra 400, I found that some of my photos were overexposed and maybe I should step down to a less light sensitive film. Fortunately, that was a brilliant decision! The lower ISO works perfectly for Australian weather, and I couldn’t be happier with how the photos came out. The roll started on my last day in Melbourne and ended with Mt Coot-tha and I love every single frame of the roll.

The photos came out so clear, and amazing quality. I did some minor brightness adjustments to make sure the blacks weren’t too black and the whites weren’t too white but these photos were pretty perfect straight out of the camera.

I found that Portra 160 has more natural and neutral colour tones, and has less yellow than Portra 400. Portra 160 think it is the most accurate colour film I’ve ever used and I’ve tried quite a few!

I have a stack of 35mm film I want to get through before buying any more, however Portra 160 is the next film I will be buying and I think will be my new go-to.

All photos taken with Canon AE-1 Program and Kodak Portra 160 film (new fave).

Although I’ve been back at work for a couple of weeks now, we are still in the heat of the summer and I can’t help but reminisce about times experienced just weeks ago. In December & January I spent more time at the beach than usual, and found a lot of answers there. In typical Australian fashion, you’re in a pool or at the beach most days of the summer.

Someone said repeatedly to me the other day, “Seek God“, and I think the beach is the ideal place to do that. The beach is freeing, and connective with something so much greater than the day to day life we life. My emotions come out at the beach, they have a safe place to be released and heard. The ocean is so intense and mighty, but also has a flow and calm to it that I need more of in my life.

My flatmate Mel came along a few times and it was great. She has a very calm energy that doesn’t drain me at all. Most people do drain me in a way but I feel very comfortable around Mel, and we have a lot in common that complement each other.

Photos taken with Canon AE-1 Program and Kodak Color 400 35mm film.

19-09-15 Mind-Body-Soul Exhibition
by Jann Morgan

 

19-09-15 Mind-Body-Soul Exhibition
by Jo at Avalon By Nature

 

19-09-15 Soul Point Holistics
by Jo at Avalon By Nature

 

25-06-16 Mind-Body-Soul Exhibition
by Moore Than A Healing

 

14-10-16 Crystal Castle

 

13-11-16 Crystal Castle

 

13-11-16 Crystal Castle

 

27-11-16 Chameleon New Age Salon

 

12-02-17 Crystal Castle

 

21-04-17 Crystal Castle

 

08-07-17 Chameleon New Age Salon
Taken by Karim

 

12-08-17 Crystal Castle

 

24-09-17 Crystal Castle

 

04-11-17 Chameleon New Age Salon
Taken by Nikki

 

25-11-17 Crystal Castle

 

23-12-17 Chameleon New Age Salon
(Before Reiki)

 

23-12-17 Chameleon New Age Salon
Taken by Karim (After Reiki)

 

23-01-18 Chameleon New Age Salon
Taken by Nikki

 

26-02-18 Aura Photographics at Mind Body Soul Exhibition in Brisbane

 

26-02-18 Aura Photographics at Mind Body Soul Exhibition in Brisbane with Chynna

 

03-03-18 Moore Than a Healing

 

02-04-18 Crystal Castle

 

26-05-18 Moore Than A Healing

 

02-06-18 Chameleon New Age Salon

 

07-08-18 Crystal Castle

 

11-08-18 Moore Than A Healing (Before Massage)

 

11-08-18 Moore Than A Healing (After Massage)

 

09-09-18 Crystal Castle

 

01-10-18 Chameleon New Age Salon

 

23-10-18 Avalon by Nature

 

10-11-18 Moore Than A Healing

 

28-12-18 Melbourne Kinesiology & Detox Centre

 

06-04-19 Moore Than A Healing

 

13-04-19 Chameleon New Age Salon

 

12-10-19 Chameleon New Age Salon

20-01-22 Moore Than A Healing before Chakra Balance

20-01-22 Moore Than A Healing after Chakra Balance

2018 was a year of growth and freedom.

2018 Highlights:

• Feb 20: Robbie Williams live in Brisbane
• March 23: LANY live in Brisbane
• April 18-21: Holiday in Mooloolaba
• April 28: Harry Styles live in Brisbane
• June 22: Moved house
• September 1: Saw the sun rise in Byron Bay
• December 6: Work Christmas Party and Shania Twain live in Brisbane
• December 24: Went on the Melbourne Star Observation Wheel

Made using the 1SE iPhone app and Chromic for colour grading.

Happy New Year!

2018 was a rough year for a lot of people. There were a lot of crazy energies and planetary movements that created a lot of shifts in people, and in our lives.

For me it was a year of frustration and becoming a decent driver. I moved house, and got 2 new flatmates. Had a couple of nice domestic holidays, and was trying to navigate my finances.

A lot was torn down and rebuilt. Building new relationships with people & God, tearing down old systems that no longer work for me, and destroying old beliefs that hold me back. It was painful at times, but necessary and for the best.

I started going to church again at the start of 2018 after a 6 month break in 2017, and ended up going pretty consistently every Sunday at 6pm for the majority of 2018. I have held back on participating or becoming part of the church due to some things that happened last year (and my fear of cults), but in 2019 I do want to become more involved and get to know people and contribute more. I tend to feel  more comfortable observing from afar with my head down, but started to make some big moves in my faith towards the end of the year.

A New Year Spread

I wanted to create a good new year’s tarot spread for you all to enjoy, which will hopefully bring some clarity and advice to you in your journey in 2019.

This New Year spread is one you can use every year. I love that it recognises the past, and also helps us move into 2019.

My cards:

1. Two of Wands reversed: Reflecting on the past 12 months and reviewing my personal goals, and the things that didn’t happen in 2018 that I want to happen in 2019 such as an international holiday.

2. The Chariot: Literally just move forward. Don’t look back in regret or in anger, instead move forward and focus on the goals and dreams that you want to happen in 2019. I can’t change the past and everything happens for a reason. Take action and choose to move forward at the right pace for me.

3. Seven of Cups reversed: I’ll be ending the year in a state of reality rather than fantasy. I’ve always been a daydreamer and loved to escape reality in my imagination, but 2019 will help me to live in reality and be more clear.

4. Eight of Swords: Hallelujah! We are leaving feelings of entrapment and being stuck behind! It’s no longer a time for fear or hiding. I am leaving behind the feeling of not wanting to be seen by others or experience things that put me in the limelight. I deserve to be seen and heard by others, and to embrace all life has given me. I am no longer my worst enemy.

5. Four of Pentacles: Bring financial lessons learnt in 2018, into 2019. 2018 was a year full of financial lessons – hardship, changes, challenges, budgeting… they were all major things I dealt with this year. Don’t repeat the same mistakes, and don’t make rash financial decisions. Steady progress and consistency is needed for progress to occur at all. Hold onto the reigns and be in control.

6. Five of Pentacles: My challenge is the “lack mentality” when it comes to the material world, even if I do have money in the bank. I may still feel down & out when it comes to finances even though I have enough money to get me through each month.

7. King of Swords: My support or strength is air sign males or people that represent that energy! For some reason I knew my dad would show up here (he’s a Libra) and help me through 2019. I am hoping to connect with more males this year as most of the people I interact with are females. I am craving some much needed balance in my life in that area.

I hope you all enjoyed the spread – please let me know if you use it, I would love to see which cards you get! Wishing you a lovely 2019.

Another Year Over, A New One Just Begun

Christmas is a strange time of year for a lot of people.

It’s a time that has a massive build up – buying & wrapping gifts, making plans, preparing meals, catching flights or driving home, counting down the days until the holiday break begins. Jesus Christ tends to be forgotten in favour of the commercial side of Christmas and how most people have come to celebrate Christmas in modern years.

I didn’t grow up religious at all. My parents christened my brother and I, and they got married in the local Anglican church, but we were never regular church goers. We never went to a service on Sunday or read The Bible. We never said grace before a meal, or spoke of God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, or any other biblical concepts or figures.

Instead, we grew up with concepts of angels, fairies, astrology, creativity, witchcraft, morals, and just living in reality and living a beautiful life, but we were lacking belief systems.

Several years later in my early twenties, I started becoming more involved with angels, psychics, and everything new age. It was a natural affinity that took centre stage for a number of years, but in 2016 I started to become a bit lost and was looking for more. It felt like my tarot & oracle cards weren’t giving me the depth of connection with the divine that I was needing in my soul. I needed community and I just needed more.

At the end of 2016 at a photography exhibition, I met a lovely girl who mentioned she was a Christian. She invited me to Church and I ended up going for a couple of months in early 2017. Although I met a couple of lovely people, I met someone who was very judgemental towards me which put me off.

Something I really don’t like is being judged. 

We all make judgements, it’s a part of being human. But when someone attacks me I struggle to overcome it. I know it is a weakness in myself that I need to work on, however at this time when I was putting myself into something new and attempting to learn their world, I struggled with the lack of reciprocation and my open-minded and open-hearted efforts being met with judgement. I felt like I didn’t belong. I wasn’t spiritual enough and I wasn’t enough of a believer to fit in with anyone. Honestly, this girl wasn’t that bad. She didn’t say anything awful, she was just very clear and strong with her point of view which heavily conflicted with mine. She is a good-hearted person, but we clashed. Unfortunately this happens sometimes, even when both people are good. I also found some of the other girls had a bitchy high school attitude which bothered me.

As a result of these clashes, I stopped attending church and just decided to focus on real life for a while which was good. I moved out and got my Provisional License in those 6 months. It was a necessary progression in my life as a 24-25 year old. However at the start of 2018 I felt called to go back to the same church and go again. Things had changed a bit in the year I’d been gone – a lot of the people I had met had moved onto another church, and a lot of new faces were at the Sunday 6pm service. I felt a lot more comfortable attending and went most weeks. I became more comfortable with saying God or Jesus, and religious terminology seemed to become more integrated into my vocabulary. I prayed regularly (and he answered even small prayers like asking for a parking spot at a busy location immediately) and built a connection with God for the first time which has changed a lot of things for me.

On Christmas Day this year, my family and I spent the morning opening presents, watching Christmas episodes of Will & Grace, and playing MarioKart. There was no mention of Jesus or what this day means for believers, apart from a small gift in my stocking. It was a necklace from Sister & Soul which had a rose quartz crystal cross, a crown, and a hope tag on it.

A couple of months ago I felt like I needed a cross necklace. I researched lots of them but never found the right one, so I asked Jesus to guide me to the right one, or have someone give it to me as a gift. No one else knew I wanted it, so I was so shocked when I saw this necklace from my mum; I swear she is partly psychic because she just seems to know things. The fact that the cross is made of crystal makes me feel like I am accepted as I am, and I don’t need to abandon my new age beliefs in order to fit in with the Christians at church. It also has additional significance to be because I have a tattoo on my left wrist that says HOPE.

I’ve learned this year that we are God’s perfectly flawed creations. Jesus came to earth to walk amongst us and guide us to be more heavenly on earth, and died for us. We are already loved, and we are already forgiven for our sins, our mistakes, and our flaws. That is what I’ve learned this year, and am grateful for this Christmas.

If you didn’t know, I work with engineers and architects! I’m the token admin girl who keeps everything running smoothly behind the scenes so the boys can focus on designing libraries, outdoor venues & event spaces, depots, aquatic centres, road and streetscapes & so much more. 

As the only girl in the office I’ve gotten a lot more used to male energy and how different it is from female energy. I spend 95% of my time in my personal life with women so the last couple of years have been a great way go gain more balance in my life and also to open me up to what men are like. 

My dad passed away when I was 8 years old, then my pop died 3 years later, and then after high school my brother moved away (I swear only I could make a post about a work Christmas party about death and loss). All the loss of males in my life means that I have grown up without much male energy around me, and rarely feel safe or comfortable around men. In many ways I still don’t, but I think I have gotten a bit better since working with 10-15 guys and being the only female in the office. 

The guys in the office have very calm energy, and it’s also interesting to see how much neuroticism women have in comparison to men. It seems like the stresses and burdens in life that men carry are either kept quiet & not expressed at all, or just don’t exist to the same extent that women take on everything. They just move on and get the job done whereas it tears women up on the inside and they can’t set their feelings aside as easily. I’ve also noticed that men ask for things be done for them & utilise their resources, and are great at delegating, whereas women hate burdening others and instead do everything themselves.  

In 2018 when people are fighting for equality of the sexes and demanding that we not make judgements about gender or sex, my observations may seem stereotypical, but for me they are true. 

For the second year in a row, this week we headed up the Gold Coast to Tipplers Island on a luxury yacht for our annual Christmas party. It’s always a good idea to have everyone stuck on a boat together for 4 hours as we rarely socialise on a day-to-day basis at the office and usually have a quiet atmosphere. I left the party at 5:30pm when we arrived at the dock so I could go to a Shania Twain concert (it was amazing!) but apparently the party continued on past midnight. 

I decided to bring my Instax Wide camera on the cruise to get some fun shots that are a bit different that the DSLR photos we had last year. I love how Instax photos are a bit different – almost everyone on the boat had never seen an Instax Wide camera before and had the same few questions for me (how much is it, how many photos in a pack of film, how does it work). Although the questions were repetitive, it made me happy that people were interested in the camera and some of them wanted to get one themselves! The more people shoot instant film the happier I am

I’m very grateful for my job and the people I work with. They are hardworking, respectful, intelligent and accomplished and I’ve learned a lot since working with them. 

Merry Christmas!

Each church is different.

The one I regularly attend is quite new agey as far as churches go. Or at least, far from traditional. The band is a modern rock style band that play guitars, and the style of the sermons and music is very much in line with Hillsong which is a church that a lot of people are familiar with. I go to the service aimed at Young Adults that is held on Sunday evenings and tend to resonate quite well with it.

They tend to have a different series or topic each month that the sermons revolve around and August happened to be all about relationships and marriage. As most of the people attending the service are in their early-mid twenties, marriage is something that a lot of us haven’t experienced yet but most likely will in the next decade or so of our lives. This specific sermon happened to be based around sex.

When the preacher said he was going to talk about sex, I immediately got uncomfortable. I was expecting an abstinence only sermon that shamed people who had sex, but I was pleasantly surprised. The tone he took was more about why and how God designed sex to be within the confines of marriage, and that the reason why was because he cares about our bodies, and our souls. Sex is the ultimate bonding exercise on every level, emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually.

He talked about how in this day and age people don’t value sex or look to the creator of it (God) for their knowledge, instead we learn about sex through friends, the internet, family members, or a magazine.

I am of the belief that people should be able to sleep with whoever they want, whenever they want as long as both/all parties consent. But I do agree that people in our current society don’t value sexuality, or their bodies which has led to this Tinder culture replacing courtship or dating culture.

There are positives and negatives to these new attitudes about sex. Positives being people (mostly women) are reclaiming ownership of their bodies from the men that have owned us for generations, and the negatives being that sex is not valued as it is so easy to come by in our current society. Men used to take out women on several dates, meet her parents and family, and months or years later they would have sex. They had to earn trust, respect, approval, and have patience. Why would they choose to do this now when they can go on their phone, swipe right a couple of times, send an unsolicited dick pic and send a direct message saying “wanna hook up?”

We have become lazy and entitled when it comes to love and sex, and I don’t think it’s our fault. It’s a result of our culture, and the technology now available to us. This is the first time in history where it is possible to communicate like this so easily with billions of people around the world, and we are all figuring out how to do so. Our teachers and parents have been unable to show us how to use it, because they have no idea.

Millennials are the internet’s test subjects.

Love, sex, and marriage have never looked like this before. Flirting and dating is almost non-existent for millennials. Getting to know someone takes a click, a scroll, and thirty seconds later and you know all their friends, their dating history, their previous hair styles and fashion choices, where they work, what like they to watch, read, and listen to. Why bother getting to know someone the old fashioned way when we can do it the quick and lazy way?

Since 1950, the average age of people getting married has risen from 20 to 27.5 years old. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is a bad thing – young people these days have so many more opportunities and goals for themselves. Back in 1950 the goal of young people was find a husband, get married, buy a house, have children. Nowadays our goals look more like: get an education, get a good job, travel, pay off debt, live our own life how we want to, find purpose and meaning, then find someone, get married, and buy a house.

The path forward isn’t as clear and focused. No wonder we are confused.

The Huffington Post wrote, “Young people want to have sex, connect and relate in a loving way with others, but cannot offer anyone their commitment when they themselves are still in flux.”

It’s hard to buy into the concept of life long commitment with another person when Gen X and Y are children of divorce. Very few of us had both parents in our lives until we were 18, let alone parents that were still together and HAPPY. When you experience that kind of abandonment or lack of a long term committed happy couple to look up to, it’s hard to believe it exists at all.

Both my grandmothers had very different experiences when it came to sex. My dad’s mother had several partners, and her children had different fathers. She was unlucky in love, and married my dad’s father one month before giving birth to my dad (to his surprise when he found out 35 years later after she passed away).

On the other hand, my mum’s parents were together for over 50 years. Her mother once told me when I was 18 years old, sitting next to her reading New Moon from the Twilight series, “I was still a virgin when I married your grandfather”. Literally nothing had prepared me for her to say it so it was very out of the blue and awkward to say the least.’

I, myself, have never had a slutty phase, and in fact, I’ve not had sex at all. It’s not that I haven’t thought about it or wanted to, I just haven’t been in a situation where it would happen before. It feels strange to write this on the internet for the world to see as it is a very personal thing that for some reason I’ve got a lot of shame and embarrassment around. I think because it’s rare to have someone my age who hasn’t grown up religious to still be a virgin at 26 years old.

In a lot of ways I’m grateful and lucky that I’ve been in control of it – peer pressure hasn’t got to me, and I’m very fortunate to have no experienced any abuse in my life, whether it be from partners or strangers. In a way my virginity is a gift that I have – the gift of choice. I know for a fact when I do meet someone and choose to have sex that it will be my choice, I will be ready, and I will be educated.

I have realised since going to church that if I started dating someone who was saving themselves for marriage, I could wait with them. I no longer have the desperation to lose my vcard that I once had. I don’t necessarily need my first time to be ~special~, but I do want it to be with someone I trust and like. For some reason it’s nearly impossible these days to find someone of the opposite sex that is trustworthy but I know that is one thing I won’t compromise on when it comes to having sex.

I’ve been a late bloomer in general this lifetime. I moved out of home and got my driver’s license at 25 years old. When others were learning to drive and experiencing relationships and intimacy for the first time in high school, I struggling with grief and depression, just trying to survive each day without tears. During university when everyone was dating, drinking and partying, I would go home, binge watch my favourite tv series by myself, shop online, and practice makeup tutorials I found on YouTube.

Being a late bloomer is okay. You’re still blooming, just in your own time.

These days we ask ourselves how long after sex are we dating, instead of how long do we date before we have sex?

I may be someone with traditional values when it comes to love, sex and marriage. I want to date someone, feel all the butterflies and excitement, and then decide together once we’ve talked about it to take that next step in the relationship when both of us are ready.

Going to Church has made me feel normal for my beliefs and values in so many ways, and like a weirdo because of my new age beliefs about what life is about and what happens when we die, as they don’t align with Christianity. I believe in Jesus, I now believe in God, but I don’t agree or believe in so many things from the Bible. I also believe we can learn from Buddist and Islamic teachings. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reconcile it all, nor do I want to. Not every belief system has to be completely defined or confined to one thing. My openness is one of my strengths and I’m grateful I live in a country that allows me the freedom to have my own beliefs and express them.

Am I going to become a church blogger instead of a new age one? Absolutely not. But I do think it’s important to share some lessons I’ve learnt on both sides and recognise the different messages I’m getting and how they connect.

Image Credit: Unsplash 

The reason I love this spread so much is because it is so simple. Sometimes you want a spread so you can just do a general check in, but it’s hard to just ask the cards “tell me what I need to know” over and over again. Chakra spreads are great because you can check in with all areas of your body, mind, and soul and see which areas are thriving, and which areas need some TLC.

I love to use my chakra decks with this spread to see which energies are displaced or out of alignment, but you could use any deck with this spread.

Let me know what cards you get in the comments below! I’d be happy to help interpret them if you would like a second opinion.

This was inspired by my holiday to Tangalooma Island in November 2016.

Eight months ago I fell in love with you

As your rays sunk deep into my skin

Your warmth covered me

I felt love, no longer a slave to fear



After escaping my grasp for twenty five years

Love was given to me

In the form of your comfort

Unashamed, unafraid

Unabashed, unspoken



Twenty five years of being on guard

One decade of living in the dark

Now ready to bask in the light

Welcomed, accepted

Received, indescribable



How fortunate I am

To experience you every day

I ask myself

How did I get so lucky?

I really hope you enjoyed it. I’m no poet and I wrote this in about five minutes with minimal editing. On this holiday I realised how much I love the sun.

I had quite an interesting experience when I went to church for first time and had an intense release of emotion during the music before the sermon when they sang Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) by Chris Tomlin. Since then I have listened to a lot of Worship music (mostly Christian rock) and really connect with it. Worship music is a way for me to connect with Spirit and release some pain, fear, judgement, and negative beliefs about myself and the world.

Going to Church has made me realise that the Spirit of God is what I’ve been connecting with my whole life, I was just more comfortable with other words like universe, angels, loved ones, and would direct my prayers to them.

I’ve always been spiritual and interested in the metaphysical. I was that kid who would ask the universe to decide what I should do, I’d toss an eraser into the air with yes, no, maybe on each side and ask it to tell me if my crush liked me or not. I always believed there was more than what we experience in the 3D world as humans. I always believed in angels and fairies and felt very connected to them as a child. I’ve seen angels before. Now that my heart has expanded a little bit and accepted some Christian teachings, I feel I have a more rounded perspective.

I’m never going to be that person who shouts “so good” during a sermon because I’m very introverted and am there to listen and observe, but I’m hoping to continue to open up and become more open with my body language, and hopefully the music continues to help with that.

I’ve listed some of my favourite worship songs below, but as I am new to Christianity I know there are a lot more songs out there to learn! Please leave any recommendations in the comments below.

1. Oh Come to the Altar (Live) – Elevation Worship O come to the altar / The Father’s arms are open wide / Forgiveness was bought with / The precious blood of Jesus Christ
2. Real Love (Live) – Hillsong Young & Free You’re pulling me closer and closer / Holding my heart till the very end / Jesus, I’m found in your freedom / This is real love, this is real love
3. Yahweh (Acoustic) – Elevation Worship Holy, Holy is the Lord / Worthy to be praised / Yahweh / Fire rising in my soul / All consuming flame Yahweh
4. Spirit Move (Live) – Bethel Music We are fixed on this one thing / To know Your goodness and see Your glory / We’re transformed by this one thing / To know Your presence and see Your beauty
5. Love So Great – Elevation Youth You left Your throne in heaven up above / To walk among the selfish and the hurt / Bearing all our sin upon the cross / There is nothing like Your love
6. Reckless Love (Live) – Cory Ashbury Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God / Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine / And I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away / Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
   
7. No Pressure – Elevation Youth The weight has been released / No pressure on me, no pressure on me / Your love has rescued me / Forever I’m free, forever I’m free
8. Holy Spirit (Live) – Jesus Culture
   Holy Spirit You are welcome here / Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere  / Your Glory God is what our hearts long for /  To be overcome by Your Presence Lord
9. More Like Jesus – Passion Oh Lord, change me like only / You can Here with my heart in Your hands / Father I pray make me more like Jesus / This world is dying to know who You are / You’ve shown us the way to Your heart / So Father I pray make me more like Jesus
10. Tremble – Mosaic MSC Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble / Jesus, Jesus / You silence fear
11. Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) – Chris Tomlin My chains are gone I’ve been set free / My God, my Savior has ransomed me / And like a flood / His mercy reigns / Unending love, amazing grace
12. Resurrecting (Acoustic) – Elevation Worship By Your spirit I will rise / From the ashes of defeat / The resurrected King, is resurrecting me / In Your name I come alive / To declare Your victory / The resurrected King, is resurrecting me
13. Overcome (Acoustic) – Elevation Worship We will not be moved / When the earth gives way / For the risen One has overcome / And for every fear / There’s an empty grave / For the risen One has overcome
14. Jesus We Love You – Bethel Music
    You lift our weary head / You make us strong instead / You took these rags and made us beautiful / For all that you’ve done, we will pour out our love / This will be our anthem song
15. Wonder – Hillsong I see the world in light / I see the world in wonder I see the world in life / Bursting in living colour / I see the world Your way / And I’m walking in the light
16. The Cross Has the Final Word – Cody Carnes There’s nothing stronger, nothing higher / Nothing greater, than the Name of Jesus
17. No Longer Slaves (Live) – Bethel Music I’m no longer a slave to fear / I am a child of God
18. Wilder Waters – Elevation Youth You call me out to wilder waters / I’m not afraid with You / I’m not afraid with You / You are my strength and my defender / I will not be moved / I will not be moved
19. One Way – Hillsong You are the way, the truth and the life / I live by faith and not by sight for You / We’re livin’ all for You
20. There Is A Cloud (Live) – Elevation Worship And with great, anticipation / We await, the Promise to come / Everything, that You have spoken / Will come to pass, let it be done!
21. I Could Sing of Your Love Forever (Cover) – Justin Bieber Over the mountains and the sea / Your river runs with love for me / And I will open up my heart / And let the healer set me free.

One of my favourite worship performers is Chris Brown from Elevation Worship. He comes from a line of Christian ministers so he was destined for where he is now. His voice and his passion really connects with me and I think he is the reason I have still been going to Church 18 months after going for the first time. “Oh Come To The Altar” is the song that made me want to be a part of it.

Although these are religious faith-based songs, I would love to get some recommendations for music that are more spiritually based as well!